Can't Seem to Get it Together

 When I used to write in this blog often, I felt better.  I suppose it was therapy for me.  My stats tell me that no one really reads my words, so in a way, it just felt like talk therapy for myself.  Then I realized, I have no desire to hear my own problems. I'm living them.  It just reminds me how flawed I am.  

I'm having trouble aging.  There are a ton of physical issues that happen as you age.  Lots of "not so nice" things...vision loss, hearing loss, general fatigue, loss of interest in some things, achy joints, wrinkled skin...the list goes on.  Earlier this year, on my birthday, someone from work asked me how old I was.  My answer....I'm 'everything hurts' years old!  That pretty much sums it up.  But, my issue is deeper than the number.  I just can't believe how fast time has gone.  I am almost at retirement age.  How the heck did that happen?  Most of my life has been lived already.  But there is still so much I wanted to do.  

As I reflect back on the life I've lived...it's been awesome.  It really has.  I had such a wonderful upbringing.  Family is the word I would use to sum up my childhood.  Growing up in an Italian/Catholic environment meant that everything was family oriented.  Births, deaths, Baptisms, First Holy Communions, Confirmations, weddings, funerals...all required celebrations.  Of course, it all centered around food and the dining table.  This is something I have not been able to replicate in my own family.  I can remember all the adults sitting around a kitchen or dining room table eating wonderfully home made Italian food, drinking home made wine, talking, laughing, crying and hugging, all the while the kids played on the floor or outside.  It was an incredible time.  Sadly, when my father died at the ripe old age of 47, much of that ended.  It's true that there is usually one person that is the glue that keeps the family together.  When he was gone, no one took up the reins.  

My elementary and high school years were tremendous.  When I look back on that time, I can't think of anything that was not enjoyable (except of course, my dad's death).  I have been given the gift of an awesome adolescence.  My young adult life was just as terrific.  I mean, there was heartbreak and definitely some things I would undo if I could, but generally, no complaints.  As my role changed from single to married with children, my eyes were opened a bit to the realities of a changing world and doing the best you can to protect your children from the craziness. Add a dash of breast cancer to the mix and you find yourself wobbling a bit.  But as I sit here today, there is not a single thing that I would say made my life unenjoyable. It has been a wonderful ride.  So why am I so melancholy these last few months?  I honestly don't know.  I guess I'm just realizing that I'm on the home stretch.  I have lived more years than I have left.  Time has flown by and while I have had a wonderfully rich and full life, I've missed some things.  Some things I've always wanted to do, or see....and I'm running out of time.  

Soon, my body will not allow me to do some of the things I've always wanted to do.  I've waited too long to create a bucket list.  Sure, my priorities changed when I had kids.  They became my focus.  Well guess what, they're all adults now and mostly self sufficient.  They don't require all of me anymore.  Now is the time I can start to focus on myself a bit.  My excuse in the past has always been..."the kids"...."money (or lack there of)"...."time".  I feel like I've waited too long.

My concern these days consists of making sure I know the passwords for banking, bill paying and living expenses.  Making sure the kids know where our valuables are stashed and what things have been handed down that might not be important to them now, but will be as they get older.  Making sure that my end of life wishes are known and trying to get a grip on the fact that we have no funeral arrangements already made or paid for.  This is the kind of thing that gets in the way of living.

I guess you could call this my mid life crisis...only I'm way beyond mid life at this point.  Sigh.  I'm just in a really weird place at the moment, and I don't like it. 

Simply put, this has been a weird year, Part One!

 One year ago today, was the last day I worked in my office.  Since then, I've been working from home.  There have been a couple of days I have had to go in for various reasons, but I can count those on one hand.  If I had known then, what this past year had in store for me....I would not have believed it.

I would consider myself a social person.  By that I mean, I'm good at it.  I'm good at being social.  I feel as though I can interact with people and for the most part, I think people enjoy being around me.  I usually manage to say the right thing at the right time and avoid looking like an idiot.  Although, maybe I should take a poll, just to be sure.  In many ways, it is an act.  I do what I do.  I do what is required. I move on autopilot, the way of least resistance. But, deep down, way down, there is a darkness within me that cries out for solitude.  This year forced my hand.  I was forced to pull away from the distractions of my life. I was forced to face my fear and anxiety head on.  Basically, I was forced to swim. 

Because of the type of job my husband has, he was not able to work from home, so he continued to work everyday.  My youngest daughter was already homeschooling before the pandemic.  My middle daughter is autistic and goes to a Special Ed school.  I can't remember exactly when they sent her home, but she ended the school year doing Zoom classes.   

The good part about working from home was that I didn't even have to get dressed!  My wardrobe consisted of day time pajamas and night time pajamas!  I didn't even have to brush my teeth or my hair...no one would know!  We had all our groceries delivered and rarely went out at all.  If we did decide we wanted fast food, it was always the drive-thru or Uber Eats.  We came awfully close, one time, to having NO TOILET PAPER in the house of 4 people...3 of us being girls!  It was a learning curve, for sure.

By the time summer came, I was tired of being locked down with my family.  I was willing to trade families for a month or so, but I had no takers!  Then, when school started up again...things got dicey.  The numbers showed things were getting better but the predictions were that there would be a surge of new cases around the holidays.  We were doing our part.  We weren't going anywhere or doing anything.  We were watching Mass on YouTube and our Netflix account was working overtime.  The only time I went out was to bring my daughter to school.  She was armed with hand sanitizer and masks.  Everyday, faithfully, I would drop her off fully protected.  They had a staff member standing outside taking temperatures before anyone could walk into the building.  Every afternoon, she would come out of the building masked up (and sometimes she also was wearing a face shield).

In early September (it was September 1st, to be exact), I got an email from Amelia's school saying that they had a COVID positive staff member.  They were informing us as a "courtesy", but they said  this staff member had little to no contact with any of the kids.  The email didn't indicate we should keep the kids at home, so, I kept sending her into school.  I trusted them to tell the truth and if this positive staff member wasn't even in the same part of the building as the classrooms, then I had no reason to fear exposure.  

Boy was I wrong.....