Another Trip Around The Sun

 I turned 60 in January of this year.  I'm trying to come to grips with it.  Sixty.  The average life expectancy for an American female is around 80.  So, to think, on average, I've got about another 20 years left.  TWENTY YEARS!!  How does this happen?  Why does time go by so fast?  I've pretty much completed three quarters of my life.  

I don't feel 60.  Sure, my knees ache.  I'm out of breath with a lot less activity these days (I'm also a lot heavier).  I cry easier, I laugh easier.  I don't sleep as well as I used to.  There were so many things I cared about when I was younger, that I don't even think twice about now.  

I read something today that I wanted to share here:

The bittersweet truth about getting older...

I think about it almost everyday.

Especially since turning 40.

I'm 45 now.  And some days, I can't even look in the mirror without crying.

I don't recognize the reflection anymore.

I grieve the parts of myself I didn't appreciate more when I had them...

the plump skin, the full hair, the shapelier body, the energy.

I thought I had time.

But time speeds up when you're not looking.

And Society hasn't been kind about aging either.

We're told to erase the signs of living instead of celebrating them.

To treat wrinkles like flaws.

To pour thousands into injections and surgeries instead of presence and joy.

But I look my because because I am my age.

And that should be enough.

Every grey hair is a badge.  Every wrinkle, a receipt for the life I've lived.

Too many people never get the chance to wear that.

Still, sometimes I ache with longing.

I miss my past self.

The freedom.  The recklessness.

The magic of being young.

The moments I didn't know were "lasts" until they were gone.

I wish I had taken more risks.  Been more patient.

Loved myself more.  Spent more time with the people who mattered.

Less time proving myself to the ones who didn't.

But this isn't a list of regrets.

It's a wish list.

A compass for the rest of my life.

Because I want to be 80 and say:

I lived.  Fully.  Unapologetically.

Thank you, Holly. (hollyatamillustration on Insta).  I needed to have this conversation with myself.  I just wish I had done it sooner.

Can't Seem to Get it Together

 When I used to write in this blog often, I felt better.  I suppose it was therapy for me.  My stats tell me that no one really reads my words, so in a way, it just felt like talk therapy for myself.  Then I realized, I have no desire to hear my own problems. I'm living them.  It just reminds me how flawed I am.  

I'm having trouble aging.  There are a ton of physical issues that happen as you age.  Lots of "not so nice" things...vision loss, hearing loss, general fatigue, loss of interest in some things, achy joints, wrinkled skin...the list goes on.  Earlier this year, on my birthday, someone from work asked me how old I was.  My answer....I'm 'everything hurts' years old!  That pretty much sums it up.  But, my issue is deeper than the number.  I just can't believe how fast time has gone.  I am almost at retirement age.  How the heck did that happen?  Most of my life has been lived already.  But there is still so much I wanted to do.  

As I reflect back on the life I've lived...it's been awesome.  It really has.  I had such a wonderful upbringing.  Family is the word I would use to sum up my childhood.  Growing up in an Italian/Catholic environment meant that everything was family oriented.  Births, deaths, Baptisms, First Holy Communions, Confirmations, weddings, funerals...all required celebrations.  Of course, it all centered around food and the dining table.  This is something I have not been able to replicate in my own family.  I can remember all the adults sitting around a kitchen or dining room table eating wonderfully home made Italian food, drinking home made wine, talking, laughing, crying and hugging, all the while the kids played on the floor or outside.  It was an incredible time.  Sadly, when my father died at the ripe old age of 47, much of that ended.  It's true that there is usually one person that is the glue that keeps the family together.  When he was gone, no one took up the reins.  

My elementary and high school years were tremendous.  When I look back on that time, I can't think of anything that was not enjoyable (except of course, my dad's death).  I have been given the gift of an awesome adolescence.  My young adult life was just as terrific.  I mean, there was heartbreak and definitely some things I would undo if I could, but generally, no complaints.  As my role changed from single to married with children, my eyes were opened a bit to the realities of a changing world and doing the best you can to protect your children from the craziness. Add a dash of breast cancer to the mix and you find yourself wobbling a bit.  But as I sit here today, there is not a single thing that I would say made my life unenjoyable. It has been a wonderful ride.  So why am I so melancholy these last few months?  I honestly don't know.  I guess I'm just realizing that I'm on the home stretch.  I have lived more years than I have left.  Time has flown by and while I have had a wonderfully rich and full life, I've missed some things.  Some things I've always wanted to do, or see....and I'm running out of time.  

Soon, my body will not allow me to do some of the things I've always wanted to do.  I've waited too long to create a bucket list.  Sure, my priorities changed when I had kids.  They became my focus.  Well guess what, they're all adults now and mostly self sufficient.  They don't require all of me anymore.  Now is the time I can start to focus on myself a bit.  My excuse in the past has always been..."the kids"...."money (or lack there of)"...."time".  I feel like I've waited too long.

My concern these days consists of making sure I know the passwords for banking, bill paying and living expenses.  Making sure the kids know where our valuables are stashed and what things have been handed down that might not be important to them now, but will be as they get older.  Making sure that my end of life wishes are known and trying to get a grip on the fact that we have no funeral arrangements already made or paid for.  This is the kind of thing that gets in the way of living.

I guess you could call this my mid life crisis...only I'm way beyond mid life at this point.  Sigh.  I'm just in a really weird place at the moment, and I don't like it. 

Tears

It appears that my tears have dried up.  I haven't cried in two days.  I'm at that point where I have nothing left to cry.  I am completely empty.  Completely drained.  There just aren't any more tears.

I saw a friend yesterday that I haven't seen since 1993.  We graduated from high school together.  The last time I saw her was at our 10 year class reunion.  She and her partner have retired and they travel around the country in a huge, luxurious RV.  It was very good to see her.  She made me laugh.  We had dinner, had a few glasses of wine and talked about old times.  We remembered things we'd done together and we reminisced about how good we had it "back then".  She brought me back to a place in my past where things were good.  I think I'll live in those memories for awhile.