Another Trip Around The Sun

 I turned 60 in January of this year.  I'm trying to come to grips with it.  Sixty.  The average life expectancy for an American female is around 80.  So, to think, on average, I've got about another 20 years left.  TWENTY YEARS!!  How does this happen?  Why does time go by so fast?  I've pretty much completed three quarters of my life.  

I don't feel 60.  Sure, my knees ache.  I'm out of breath with a lot less activity these days (I'm also a lot heavier).  I cry easier, I laugh easier.  I don't sleep as well as I used to.  There were so many things I cared about when I was younger, that I don't even think twice about now.  

I read something today that I wanted to share here:

The bittersweet truth about getting older...

I think about it almost everyday.

Especially since turning 40.

I'm 45 now.  And some days, I can't even look in the mirror without crying.

I don't recognize the reflection anymore.

I grieve the parts of myself I didn't appreciate more when I had them...

the plump skin, the full hair, the shapelier body, the energy.

I thought I had time.

But time speeds up when you're not looking.

And Society hasn't been kind about aging either.

We're told to erase the signs of living instead of celebrating them.

To treat wrinkles like flaws.

To pour thousands into injections and surgeries instead of presence and joy.

But I look my because because I am my age.

And that should be enough.

Every grey hair is a badge.  Every wrinkle, a receipt for the life I've lived.

Too many people never get the chance to wear that.

Still, sometimes I ache with longing.

I miss my past self.

The freedom.  The recklessness.

The magic of being young.

The moments I didn't know were "lasts" until they were gone.

I wish I had taken more risks.  Been more patient.

Loved myself more.  Spent more time with the people who mattered.

Less time proving myself to the ones who didn't.

But this isn't a list of regrets.

It's a wish list.

A compass for the rest of my life.

Because I want to be 80 and say:

I lived.  Fully.  Unapologetically.

Thank you, Holly. (hollyatamillustration on Insta).  I needed to have this conversation with myself.  I just wish I had done it sooner.

Let's Start Again

 It's been awhile.  I know.  A lot has happened since I last wrote in this space.  The world has changed in ways I'd never imagined.  A year into the pandemic and things are still weird.  I have never experienced anything like this in my life.  I dare to say we are on the back side of this, but, what do I know?  There are few things I'm sure of anymore.  Without a doubt, I am NOT the same person I was a year ago.  Not even close.

I will be visiting these pages again...regularly....if I can figure out where to start.  I need a place to speak my mind again.  I need a place where I can be honest...mostly about my fears.  Today, if I could change anything about my life, I would go back to January 1, 2020 and I would change only one thing...my attitude.  

What would you change?

Sleep

Sleep is my friend.  It truly is the only time I feel like I am free from this turmoil.  As soon as I get home from work (or picking up the kids), I immediately change into something to sleep in and crawl into bed.  Last night, Amelia asked me "Mom, what's for dinner"?  Sadly, my answer was something like, "I don't care, have whatever you want".  So, she did.  Cereal.  I think Nathan walked up to Subway and Olivia ate chips and salsa (which is her preferred meal anyway).  It won't kill any of them.  I think that at some point later, I made some ramen for myself.  I couldn't eat it all so Olivia ate what she could and the dog got the rest.

No, I'm not proud of my behavior but, I feel like I'm holding on with threads at the moment and I'm doing what I have to in order to survive.  You couldn't make dinner in that kitchen right now anyway.  It's a mess.  There are dishes piled high in the sink.  Not a clean piece of silverware anywhere to be found.  Each of my children have two working hands.  There is no reason why they can't do a dish and clean up after themselves.  No, they expect me to do it. Guess what?  I'm not. 

What I really needed last night was for one of them....just one, to say that they would make dinner, that they would clean up.  They know that things aren't right with me.  They see it, they feel it.  They are very selective about when they want to be helpful.  There always has to be something in it for them.  I suppose, if you want to get down to brass tacks, this is my fault too.  Isn't everything the moms fault?

I vacillate between feeling guilty and not caring.  I just don't have the strength to fix this.  Whatever "this" is. 

I can't seem to stop crying.  Just when I think the waterworks are done, here they come again.  The entire office thinks I have a cold.  I get up from my desk to go to the bathroom and as soon as I'm out of the sight of another human, the floodgates open up.  I cry silently in the stall.  When the sorrow is so deep and powerful, it physically hurts to try and cry silently.  I use up almost a whole roll of toilet paper to blow my nose.  Then, I trek back to my desk and struggle through another hour or so, until the gates open again.  This is my life.  Have you ever the heard the song "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson?  Yeah.  Interesting song.

Yesterday, the scientific world shared the first real pictures of a black hole.  Interestingly enough, it didn't look much different than the pictures of what we assumed it looked like.  We had confirmation yesterday that so far, what we have hypothesized about black holes, seems to be ringing true. 
A black hole in the middle of space that is sucking everything in it's vicinity into it and nothing escapes, not even light.  I see my life as a black hole.  I feel like I'm skimming the edges.  Any moment now, and I'll be sucked in.

Half a Century!

I'll be fifty years old in January!  F-I-F-T-Y!  Where did the time go?  The last twenty years have been filled with cross country moves, job changes, engagement, marriage, having babies and breast cancer.  It seems as though it was only yesterday that I was graduating from high school! 

As my 50th year approaches, I find myself becoming more and more melancholy.  I don't think it's because I fear getting older or dread getting closer to death, although that may very well be part of it. But as I reflect on my life, I'm becoming more and more aware of the time that I've wasted.  And let's be honest, I've wasted a ton of time!  I wonder how much time I've wasted on worrying, watching T.V. or surfing the internet.  I bet I've wasted a fair amount of time gossiping or wishing for things I don't have and plotting how I can go about acquiring those things.  I know for a fact that I've wasted time wondering what other people think, what other people are doing and being frustrated that they don't want to do it my way.

I'm sure that my parents and other adults warned me about this when I was younger.  "Don't wish your life away", my mom used to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you want to know what I wish for today?  More time!  I wish that I could have these 50 years back...or at least a good 25.  I would definitely do things differently.
I would have spent more time with my mom.  I would have paid more attention when she told me stories of her past.  I would have watched her cook...and written down ingredients and recipes.  I would have sought out more time with extended family members...kept in touch better.  I would have spent more time reading instead of watching T.V.  I would have talked less about praying and actually prayed more.  I would have spent more time trying to help others and a little less time focused on myself.

I don't know why I'm having such hard time turning 50.  All of us have regrets, or things that we would do differently.  But here's the thing:  We don't get that time back.  We don't.  What's done is done.  Still, we can look forward.  We can be mindful of those things that we know are good and worthy of our time, talent and treasure.  We can look back on our past with a sense of determination that we can finish what we've started or totally begin again.

The pages on this blog are going to be about how I "begin again".  My journey is not over just because I'm turning 50.  I may be on the down side of the hill, but I still have some time.  I'm going to do my best to not blink.