There's more?

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...tada!  I was notified yesterday that my 7th grader will be retained in 7th grade for another year.  She failed math and civics.  That's all.  The school counselor called, told me matter of factly...and said goodbye.  She never offered any solutions or recommended any way to help.  I was stunned and since she called me at work and there were people standing around my desk...I didn't ask any questions.  I called my husband and he asked me about summer school.  I emailed the counselor and asked.  Her response was simple, "No, unfortunately there are no summer school options offered for 7th graders".  Not one word more.  So, I did what I always do, I panicked.  I knew she was going to be close, but her last day of school is the 31st...you would have thought the school would have reached out to me sooner.  Sigh.  I hate that school.  That school is the reason for most of my anxiety these days. 

Anyway, I was able to talk to a friend who talked me off the ledge.  She is also a guidance counselor at a local high school.  She was able to look at my daughter's records and found that she passed the first semester of math, but failed the second.  Therefore, she suggested that I enroll her in FVS (Florida Virtual School) for the summer for the 2nd semester math curriculum.  If she passes that, she should be promoted.  She can take civics as an 8th grader, but will lose one of her elective classes and more than likely, she'll have another "history" class as well.  It will only work if the guidance counselor "approves" this plan.  To hell with her if she doesn't. 

I do not need another thing.  I don't.  I can't handle any more.  Each day, I feel like a part of me dies.  Soon, there will be nothing left.  What do I do then?  It's only a matter of time.

Why?

No one told me this would be so hard.  The things that I thought would be easy...aren't.  Likewise, the things I figured would be hard, have been the easiest.  It's like I'm living in an alternate reality.
Right now, I feel like I'm living in the "Stranger Things" world of the "upside down". 

I don't know what to do.  I'm 54 years old and I don't have a clue about what to do next....how to handle how I'm feeling...what to let go of and what to hang on to.

Sleep is my only escape.

Emptiness

I literally have nothing left inside to give.  Do you know how that feels as a mother?  To not have anything left to give to your children...emotionally.  My oldest is about to graduate from high school and move out of the house with his friends.  He excitedly showed me the pictures of the house and which bedroom would mostly likely be his...and I had no emotion whatsoever.  I had to pretend.  I wasn't excited and I wasn't sad.  I just wanted it to be over.  Bring on the graduation, bring on all the stuff that comes with that...so it can be over.  I just want to get through each day, without anyone bugging me, so that I can come home, change my clothes and crawl into bed.  I don't want anyone to ask me for anything.  I don't want anyone to require anything from me. 

I was once told that there is a difference between "being alone" and "being lonely".  I never understood that...until now.  I feel very lonely.  I feel isolated within myself.  If I seek out the company of others, I will no longer "be alone", but the feeling inside doesn't change.  There are other people that live in my house 24/7.  I am never really "alone".  Heck, I can't even go to the bathroom without one of my kids, or the dog needing something.  The thing is, right now, I think this is how it has to be.  I have no desire for anyone else to invade my loneliness.  I just want to live in that place, that isolated, desolate place.

I wish I could feel like I used to.  Normal.  I wish this heaviness would go away.  I would like to breathe easier.  Feel lighter.

I see my regular doctor today.  Been having some chest pain over the last few months.  I've tried to ignore it.  Ignoring is my thing lately.  But, my son seemed concerned when he caught me pacing the living room floor at 2 am night before last.  I was debating about whether or not to drive myself to the emergency room.  He kept wanting me to wake his dad.  He was concerned enough that he mentioned it to one of his buddies, who in turn, asked me how I was feeling.   Not sure the doctor will do anything.  But, I don't want my son to worry.  He's about to start his new life of adulthood and he doesn't need his mother bringing him down.  As I reflect on my own life, this was an exciting time.  He needs to be free of this mother's problems.

Why are the days so long?

Escape

I tried to escape this past weekend.  Went to Orlando with 2 of my three kids to attend a special mass down in Orlando where a friend of mine (a Catholic Bishop) was presiding. 

This was one of those things where it "sounded like a good idea at the time".  We were only there for about 36 hours, but it was just enough time to escape my black hole for a brief moment...or so I thought.   For a few hours, I was distracted enough that I could concentrate on trying to let my kids have a good time.  We ended up spending the day at Epcot.  We had fun, but it was a challenging day.  I don't like the heat and I don't like crowds....and to be honest, I am NOT a fan of Disney.  But, the trip allowed me to be somewhat removed from the heaviness that I've been carrying.  The trip was not without it's stresses.  Everything costs an arm and leg at Disney, and there was a problem with the hotel.  But we managed to laugh a little.  An illusion.

On the car ride home, I was reminded what awaited me when I pulled into my driveway at home...the same darkness that I left early Saturday morning.  As my kids slept and I drove, the tears came, again.  I didn't want to go home, yet I didn't want to be where I was either.  It seems that the only time I get real relief is when I sleep.  70 miles an hour on Interstate 95 is not a place to sleep...so, I stayed awake, dreading getting home.

It seems I can't escape it, even though I try.  I just want it to stop.  I don't want to feel like this anymore.  The sorrow wells up inside of me and I feel like I will burst.  I feel like someone has died.  Maybe it's a part of me that has died.  Either way, the only thing I can equate this feeling to is mourning.  Sadness, heaviness...it's all there.  Have you ever seen video of a shark swimming through the water with several sucker fish attached to them.   I feel like this darkness, this sadness is stuck to me like that....following me wherever I go.

If I learned anything this weekend, it's that running away or trying to escape doesn't help.  You can change your scenery, change your company...but the root of the problem remains.  So, right now...today...all I can do is look forward to the next time I can sleep. 

When can I sleep?  Hopefully, soon.

Release

I didn't cry as much yesterday.  I managed to hold it in for most of the day.  It was busy at work and I had to take part in a peer interview which meant I had to prepare and concentrate.  I guess, in some ways, it was a relief to not focus inwardly so much.  I was forced to focus on someone/something other than myself.  Maybe that's part of my problem, however as I have  mentioned before, I don't care much about what I should be doing or what other people think should be my focus.  I'm done trying to comply and conform.  Is this selfish?  Yes.  Do I care what you think about that?  No.

While I managed to stifle the tears most of the day, there were moments when the sorrow I feel inside was overwhelming.  It overcomes me like a wave.  It can't be stopped.  It just is.  I'm really not sure how a human being can handle this much sadness, this much sorrow, this much disappointment.  I now understand how it is that people get to the point where they can't take it one more minute.  It consumes you.

I wish there was a pill I could take that would instantly make this better.  There isn't one.  Oh, I've been on medication many times in my life for depression and anxiety.  Sometimes they work, but only for awhile.  Sometimes they don't work at all.  In the end, I'm left with the reality of who I am.

Still, I have to function.  I have to get up each morning, get dressed, get to work, pick up the kids, get home....and then collapse.  The effort involved in just moving through my day is shocking, even for me.  I feel as though I've run a marathon. I ache all over and I just want to be left alone.  I don't want to have to talk or interact with anyone.  The kids used to not understand this.  Now, they do.  For the most part, they ignore me too, only coming to me when it's absolutely necessary.  Sometimes, I try to interact with them like a mother should.  Mostly, I fail at that too.  I realize that I'm a lousy mother and believe me, this brings me down even further.  If there is anything left that I do care about, it is this.

Sometimes I wonder if me being gone would be better for them.  They could move on with their lives and eventually, their memory of me and my lousiness would fade.  Perhaps at some point, they would be able to remember the good times and not the bad. 

Today, I just wish I could sleep.  But, I have to go through the motions.  I have another peer interview today (we are trying to hire a manager).  Then, we're supposed to take a trip as a family this weekend.  Part of me is dreading it.  Part of me thinks that maybe, even for a short time, I can pretend things are fine...and maybe they will be, until we come home.  Then reality hits me in the face again and I'm back to square one. 

I just want to go to sleep.

Sleep

Sleep is my friend.  It truly is the only time I feel like I am free from this turmoil.  As soon as I get home from work (or picking up the kids), I immediately change into something to sleep in and crawl into bed.  Last night, Amelia asked me "Mom, what's for dinner"?  Sadly, my answer was something like, "I don't care, have whatever you want".  So, she did.  Cereal.  I think Nathan walked up to Subway and Olivia ate chips and salsa (which is her preferred meal anyway).  It won't kill any of them.  I think that at some point later, I made some ramen for myself.  I couldn't eat it all so Olivia ate what she could and the dog got the rest.

No, I'm not proud of my behavior but, I feel like I'm holding on with threads at the moment and I'm doing what I have to in order to survive.  You couldn't make dinner in that kitchen right now anyway.  It's a mess.  There are dishes piled high in the sink.  Not a clean piece of silverware anywhere to be found.  Each of my children have two working hands.  There is no reason why they can't do a dish and clean up after themselves.  No, they expect me to do it. Guess what?  I'm not. 

What I really needed last night was for one of them....just one, to say that they would make dinner, that they would clean up.  They know that things aren't right with me.  They see it, they feel it.  They are very selective about when they want to be helpful.  There always has to be something in it for them.  I suppose, if you want to get down to brass tacks, this is my fault too.  Isn't everything the moms fault?

I vacillate between feeling guilty and not caring.  I just don't have the strength to fix this.  Whatever "this" is. 

I can't seem to stop crying.  Just when I think the waterworks are done, here they come again.  The entire office thinks I have a cold.  I get up from my desk to go to the bathroom and as soon as I'm out of the sight of another human, the floodgates open up.  I cry silently in the stall.  When the sorrow is so deep and powerful, it physically hurts to try and cry silently.  I use up almost a whole roll of toilet paper to blow my nose.  Then, I trek back to my desk and struggle through another hour or so, until the gates open again.  This is my life.  Have you ever the heard the song "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson?  Yeah.  Interesting song.

Yesterday, the scientific world shared the first real pictures of a black hole.  Interestingly enough, it didn't look much different than the pictures of what we assumed it looked like.  We had confirmation yesterday that so far, what we have hypothesized about black holes, seems to be ringing true. 
A black hole in the middle of space that is sucking everything in it's vicinity into it and nothing escapes, not even light.  I see my life as a black hole.  I feel like I'm skimming the edges.  Any moment now, and I'll be sucked in.

Where is the joy?

Some days, it's just too hard to find.  Today, I feel so sad that I'm not even bothering to look for it.  There are days (like today....most days) when I wonder what the heck is the point of any of this.  You're born, you grow up with hopes and dreams.  Some dreams come true, at least for a short time, but mostly, those get smashed with reality.  Then, it's time to die and for what?  Was any of it worth it?  Today, the answer for me is, no.

Today, I feel hopeless.  It's just that simple.  I feel empty.  I feel like I have nothing left to give another human being.  The life has been sucked out of me.

I just want to sleep.  I want to change into my jammies, take an Ativan (panic/anxiety), snuggle under my pillows and blankets....and sleep.  For two weeks straight.  I don't want to be bothered.

Usually, when I'm in this place (and yes, I've been here before), I push it all down, down, down into the depths of my being....and pretend.  I pretend everything is fine.  I go  to work, chauffer the kids, cook, grocery shop, smile and say all the right things so no one knows how I'm really feeling.  It really works too, at least for everyone else.  I just become more resentful.  I think right now, I am at my maximum resentfulness.

Sigh.  I'm just so tired.  Tired of always feeling like this.  It gets old.  It's hard to keep on pretending and I think this is why I decided to write today.  Are you ready?  Here it is in all it's simplicity....I'm done pretending.  No more.  I'm done.  I don't care what people think, I don't care if the laundry gets done, I don't care if the kids eat cereal for dinner or if no one ever does the dishes.  I can no longer be the everything to everyone.  I simply no longer care.

One day soon, I will pack my car and start driving.  I won't know where I'm going or where I'll end up.  I will just be.  I will just "be" in such a way that no one will bother me.  I will fade into the woodwork, quietly.  I will be free.

Our New Normal

Last Monday morning, I woke up and felt relatively normal.  It's strange, really, how that happens.  I jumped out of bed even though I felt a little sluggish (which is normal for me on a Monday).  There was nothing out of the ordinary.  My feet hit the floor.  I took about 3 steps...and then, I remembered.  I remembered the nightmare we are living and the heaviness returned.  In a split second, it all came flooding back.

They had said they would most likely discharge her on Sunday.  We never got the call.  I had talked to the nurse at about 1:00pm.  She said the doctor was doing rounds then and as soon as he'd seen her, someone would call us.  By 7:00pm on Sunday, I was frantic!  Perhaps I shouldn't have waited 6 hours...but...they were holding my daughter against my wishes....they held all the cards.  I didn't want to sound crazy or unreasonable.  I was trying my hardest not to FREAK OUT, but it was all I could do to keep it together.

Being at work was hard.  I have to work, but focusing on my job was almost impossible.  Unfortunately, we need both of our incomes in order to survive.  I'm the one that carries the benefits and so, I had to be there.  I have never experienced the clock moving as slow as it did that day.  Torture.

They called at about noon time, telling me she was being discharged and we could pick her up!  I called Dan...he met me at home and we went together.  She was happy to see us.  We signed some papers, they gave us her clothing in a brown paper bag and handed us her shoes.  She hadn't worn shoes (other than those prison shoes) in 4 days!  She said she was hungry.  We went to get something to eat.  On the way home, she told me a horrific story.  One of the girls that was in her "unit" was there for attempting suicide.  Apparently, she gave Amelia instructions on how to properly slit her wrists if she ever wanted to end it all.  The young girl told her to "make sure you hit the main artery, that way you'll die quickly".  My poor baby.  I am crushed that she had to hear that.  I am angry that between the school and the dimwits at the Child Guidance Center, they exposed my daughter to this....NEEDLESSLY!  I have no idea how this experience will effect her now....or in the future.  This is a trauma that  may not show itself for many years.  Only time will tell.  All I can do is pray for God's protection over her heart, her mind and her soul.

She is adjusting to being home.  She was glad to see Nathan and Olivia.  Even the dog was excited to see her!  To be honest, I'm not sure I'll ever let her out of my sight again....other than with close family and friends...who we trust.

We had hoped to get her into the partial hospitalization program here near our home.  We went in to talk to them on Tuesday.  However, she didn't really qualify.  For one thing, the ages range from 13 to 17...and she's only 12.  The other reason is because right now, the group of girls they have there range in age from 15 to 17 and are all there because of a suicide attempt.  Because the biggest part of the program is group therapy, the nurses did not think it would be good for Amelia to be in group therapy sessions with those girls...listening to them talk about trying to end their lives.  Although I definitely don't want her exposed to that (any more than she already was from being in the hospital), Dan and I were heartbroken.  This program was going to last anywhere from one to two weeks and was going to give us some time to figure out what to do next.

Panic again.

For now, I've enrolled her in the Florida Unschoolers association.  While this isn't the ideal situation, at least she's enrolled somewhere and the county won't be at our front door.  Until we can figure out what to do, she will either be with me at work....or with a family member/good friend during the day.  She sees her new therapist this coming Friday. In the meantime, I'll be doing some 6th grade lessons with her to keep her mind working.  I don't want her to be too stressed out when we do find her a place, so if I can keep her engaged in doing some school work, perhaps she will transition better.

All I can do is take it one day at a time.  Please continue to pray for us because we are in territory that we are unfamiliar with...and frankly, we're scared to death.   As I reflect on these last 10 days or so, I think maybe this has been traumatic for all of us and as a family, we have a lot we have to work through.  The only thing I know for sure is that I will not throw her to the wolves again!  I won't do it!  If I have to quite my job, file bankruptcy and stay in a one room hotel....I will, if it will keep her safe, if it will allow her to breathe, if it will allow her to feel normal and happy and not like she's some freak of nature.  This is how every school she has ever attended has treated her.  I will not let that happen again.  Mark my words.

We talk with the attorney on Thursday to decide how to move forward. 

Moving forward.  I have to keep repeating this in my mind.  Maybe if I say it enough, it will be easier to do.



 

Right Where I'm Supposed To Be!

On occasion, quite by accident, I find myself exactly where I'm supposed to be!  For instance, tonight I attended the first of a 22 week study of the Gospel of John at my parish called, "Touching The Divine".  This is the third year that our parish has offered a study from the Walking With Purpose series of scripture studies.  I have avoided the last two years for no particular reason...just couldn't be bothered, I guess.  There is always something else more important or more pressing.  I don't know why I decided to jump in this year.  But I did.  And the very moment I walked in the door, I knew I was supposed to be there.

Lately, I have been ready to burst with emotion.  I have so much heaviness on my heart that it sometimes feels like I can't breathe.  At this particular time and place, my vocation as wife and mother seems especially  burdensome...at least that's how it  feels.  Admittedly, I'm a failure at both.  My middle child is struggling and I don't know how to help her.  I'm watching our family implode as we deal with the day to day effects of a problem that has not even really been named.  I don't know what to do next.  I live minute to minute anticipating the next fire that needs to be put out.  It's exhausting.  The situations used to be simple to handle, but they are becoming more and more complicated.  They have taken on a very serious tone and I'm scared.  The only thing I know to do is to pray.  Honestly though, I feel abandoned.  Like He isn't even hearing me.  I am desperate.   I have begged and pleaded.  Nothing.  Just more worry and fear.

The Gospel of John has always been a favorite of mine.  I was once told that it is the "Gospel of Love'.  Perhaps that is why I've been drawn to it.  In any case, after walking into Kohl's Hall, I instantly knew God has heard me.  In my desperation, God has brought me to John.

                   "I am God's beloved daughter.  I belong to the Lord.  Nothing will take away God's love
                    for me.  There is nothing I can do that is beyond the scope of His mercy."

What a relief!

Perhaps I am not really a failure...not as a wife or a mother.  Perhaps He is in control no matter what my circumstances look like...no matter how hopeless my situation seems.  Perhaps this scripture study...with all 60-70 other women in attendance....is where I am supposed to be.  There is something for me here...a branch....a lifeline....hope.

Please pray for my daughter, Amelia.  Pray for me, as a mother, that God will give me the wisdom to know what to do, how to help her.  Pray for a hedge of protection around my family....around my marriage.  Pray for a peace that surpasses all understanding.  Peace.  Yes.  I will pray that for you too.