Good Bye 2024.

 Not just good bye....good riddance!  This has been a really bad year.  Don't get me wrong, there were some good things that happened, but as a whole, 2024 sucked.  Honestly, I don't have high hopes for 2025 either.  I think it's just the nature of time, of aging, of wanting the world to slow down.  But that's not going to happen.  I have to make peace with it.

These are the highlights for 2024:

January:  My 96 year old father-in-law died from a fall.  He broke his hip and just never recovered.  I will miss him terribly.  The good news is that he lived a very long, good, productive life.  He was very special to me.

April:  My evil neighbor sent the "attack" signal to his dogs and mauled my precious cat (Frank) to death.  He died in my arms...in front of all three of my kids.  Yes, the kids are all adults, but this was traumatic for all of us.  I'm not sure I'll ever get over that.  I have tried every single day since then to not wish bad things on this neighbor.  Incidentally, about a month ago, his dogs (who are not fenced in or leashed) attacked a woman and her dog walking down the street in front of his house. Police were involved.  I was able to find out that the woman and her dog were OK.  Yet NOTHING happened to the neighbor or his dogs.  To this day, he still lets them outside without a leash.  Un-freaking-believable.

July:  My brother-in-law's brother died.  Although I wasn't technically related to Ken, his death was so very unfortunate.  He lived a hard life...he played hard and suffered hard.  He was diagnosed with a hard to treat cancer, and he had no health coverage.  By the time his friends rallied to set up a Go Fund Me, it was too late.  I think he knew he was sick long before he ever shared that with anyone else.  He was 60 years old.  

October 11th:  My 96 year old mother-in-law fell at home.  In truth, we don't know exactly when or where. At first, she seemed ok, but she was in a lot of pain.  Took her to the urgent care, they ordered a CT Scan and as it turned out, when she fell, she broke 3 ribs and one of them punctured her lung.  She was transferred to the ICU of our local hospital.  She spent about a week in the hospital and then came home.  We were able to secure a home health nurse for the day time during the week and Dan and his other siblings would stay with her at night.  It's been hard for her as she has lost almost all of her independence.  She had to have help to sit up, sit down, change clothes, use the bathroom.  She could no longer cook or clean (which drove her absolutely nuts) by herself, so some days, she was extremely irritable.  She would eat very little as she was nauseous all the time from the pain meds.  Not sure why she was never given any anti nausea medicine, I mean, that just makes sense.  But then again, some of the members of Dan's family, especially those in charge, are not playing with a full deck.

November:  We had to put our dog Baxter to sleep.  Baxter was a rat terrier and a pain in my arse.  He was not a nice dog.  As a matter of fact, he was mean.  He would nip or bite and just had a bad attitude most of the time.  He was also a sickly dog.  He had various gastrointestinal issues, not the least of which was a bout of pancreatitis that cost us about $750 to fix.  He also had a small tumor on his back leg for years.  It never bothered him and never grew....until it did.  At some point, he had licked it until it split open.  It happened while we were out of the house.  When we got home, there was blood and puss all over the house and he was in a lot of pain.  I had to put the muzzle on him just to wrap his leg in a towel.  We took him to the vet, but the vet said there was too much infection and it would be best to put him down.  To be honest, I hated that dog most of the time....but I didn't want him to die.  I cried over that dumb dog.  Like I said, he was a pain in the arse...but he had been a fixture in our house for 10 years.  I was lonely when he was gone.  Maybe he and Frank are playing over the rainbow.

December 29th:  My mother in law passed away.  It was a long and hard two months.  She was well taken care of....24/7 by family and by a sitter some days.  Sadly, she wasted away.  She never got her appetite back and then slowly, she stopped taking any fluids.  It got to the point where she just slept all the time.  It was suggested by the physical therapist that it was time to call hospice.  Hospice came on 12/26 and she died 3 days later.  I'm still in shock.  My life will never be the same.  She was the best of the best.    Two days before she died, her sister (who was 98) passed away up in Virginia.  

2024 didn't end any better than it started.  And with two funerals in the next week (Dan's aunt on the 8th and his mother on the 11th), it looks like 2025 has started off with a bang.  

There was one good thing that happened this year, and I'll share all of that when the funerals are over and I have some time to change my attitude and to turn my frown upside down.  I will also share some of plans for 2025 if for no other reason than to document that I tried.

Life Goes On

Life continues to move along, whether I'm paying attention or not.   Very little to nothing has changed since I last posted.  It's like I'm on a winding road with hills, switchbacks and no pavement.  I never know what is around the next bend.  Sometimes, I drive a little too close to the cliff's edge and I have to force myself to swerve away.  The only thing I can do is to drive slow.


I guess the biggest difference from a few months ago is that I don't cry as much.  I really went through a spell of intense sadness when all I could do was cry...when all I wanted to do was cry.  Although the tears have stopped, the intense sadness has not gone away.  I believe this will be with me forever.  The sadness includes deep regret, mostly for things left unsaid and undone.  Some of the sadness comes from fear.  I think the fear comes from isolation.  I'm afraid because I really don't know who I am.  I have lived for 54 years so far.  I have a husband, 3 children, family and friends.  Still, I have no clue what I'm doing.  I'm miserable most of the time and it appears that I bring others misery too.  I really don't know who I am.


Whatever is going on with me, it's going on deep inside.  Very deep.  Someone recently asked me if they think I'm having a "midlife crisis".  That kind of made me chuckle.  No, I really don't feel as though it's a crisis.  A crisis to me indicates something temporary.  Something that exists for a season and can be changed simply by changing circumstances or surroundings.  This kind of "fix" will not change what is going on inside of me.  Some would say, "only God can fix this".  Maybe.  The thing is, He and I have been having conversations about this for quite some time.  I see no light at the end of my tunnel.  Perhaps, this is the inner turmoil that He is allowing me to have for a purpose.  I think of Mother Teresa: 

 "In my heart, there is no faith. I want God with all the powers of my soul, and yet between us there is terrible separation."

I feel separated from everything and everyone, including God.  Especially God.

I was cleared by cardiology.  This means that the terrible chest and jaw pain is not my heart.  I have been cleared by gastroenterology.  This means that although I have severe GERD, it has not caused esophageal cancer...yet.  She did find a hiatal hernia which could be causing some of the pain, but it is a small one so they are going to leave it alone.  I haven't been to the oncologist yet to find out what's causing my hip pain.  I think I'm too scared.  With all the other things going on in my life right now, I do NOT need another bout with cancer.  I just don't. 

So, I plow through each day.  I get up, get dressed, go through all the motions I need to go through.  I smile and I nod.  I laugh at appropriate times, look sad and concerned at appropriate times, do everything I'm supposed to do and I do it all with the utmost emptiness and sadness. 

Maybe one day, I'll figure this out. 

Not Fair

Life is not fair.  I realize that no one said it would be, but this fact...along with everything else, just gets on my nerves.

My best friend from grade school passed away on Monday.  She just turned 54.  She died from metastatic breast cancer that had spread to her bones, lungs and liver.  She has twin 7 year olds (they were adopted).  I think she was cancer free for about 4 years after she was first diagnosed and treated.  It came back again and she had a few months in remission.  She battled this disease for close to 15 years.  But then...well, you know the rest.  She lived in constant pain.  It seems that cancer in your bones (particularly your spine and tailbone) is unrelenting and extremely painful.  She had a ton of chemo and quite a bit of radiation.

It used to be that if you were diagnosed with breast cancer, had surgery, and then adjuvant therapy (chemo, radiation), and if you were cancer free for 5 years....they considered you "cancer free".  As a non physician....this makes no sense to me.  All it takes is ONE CELL to remain in your body and the potential for recurrence is massive.  Which brings me back to myself.  I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma on 7/8/08.  I had a mastectomy (left) on 8/4/08.  Started chemo in September.  I had 4 rounds of Taxotere and Cytoxin.  Completed chemo in December 2008 and then began a 5 year regimen of Arimidex (aromatase inhibitor for hormone positive breast cancers).  In February of 2009, I had a complete hysterectomy.  Since then, I have had PET scans and CAT scans, regular visits with an oncologist (until the summer of 2018 when he "cut me loose") and regular mammograms (on my uni boob) and regular lab work.  I have been cancer free for 11 years.

My gut tells me that it will more than likely return someday.  The chances of the chemo slashing the throat of every single cancer cell in my body seems a little far-fetched to me, but, here I am 11 years later.  Other than the residual effects of chemo (neuropathy in my hands and feet) and "white coat syndrome" (what can I say??) as well as my lack of a left breast, I really would not know I was ever sick.  But, 99 times out of a hundred, cancer wins.

Still, I have no idea why I was allowed to live cancer/symptom free for all these years, yet my dear friend from school died at age 54 (the same age I am) and leaves behind a loving husband and a set of 7 year old twins....plus three older step children, both parents and her sister.  Why?  Why was I the one to survive this (so far)?  Why?  There is nothing special about me.  But, Rosa....Rosa was very special.  She was the most kind and loving person I have ever met.  I never heard her utter a mean or unkind word about anyone!  She never complained (at least to me) accept to say that trying to raise her twins (who both have some other health issues) and manage the pain/fatigue was difficult sometimes.

Last night, I went through all of our emails and instant messages over the last 9 years and I am so sad.  So sad for the loss of Rosa.  Up until 2015, I hadn't been with her since we graduated from 8th grade.  But thankfully, through Facebook, we were able to reconnect.   I visited my home town in 2015 after my sister died.  Rosa invited us (my son traveled with me) to her house for a New Years Day (2016) brunch.  It was a blast!  I am so thankful that God allowed me to reconnect with her in this way.  I never thought that just 3 short years later, she would be gone.

She knew she was dying.  She ended treatment about a month ago and they called in hospice.  She emailed me a few times and told me how much she loved me and how thankful she was for our friendship.  I was blessed to have had these moments with her...even if it was over the internet.  The last time we exchanged email was on 7/21/19.  She passed away on Monday, 8/12/19...just 3 weeks later.

Just when I feel like I might be climbing out of the pit of darkness that I live in....something like this happens and, I just feel like God has it in for me.  None of this makes any sense...AT ALL.

Thank you, Rosa, for all that you contributed to my life and to the world.  I hope we can see each other again some day.  I look forward to it.

I found them!

I found my tears again.  For several weeks, they had dried up.  They're back.  In full force.  Can't seem to stop it today.  It's awkward while I'm at work.  Feeling very anxious and like my world is crashing in around me.  Having health problems too....that are likely anxiety related, but I can't be sure. 

Saw an episode of America's Got Talent yesterday where a young autistic man played the piano and sang.  I cried watching it...and haven't been able to stop the tears since.  Feel like I'm losing it!

Oh, please help me.  Please.

Mother's Day Pity Party

Mother's Day was a bust...at least for me.  I never once brought it up to anyone, and never once did anyone say, "Mom, what would you like to do Sunday?"  So, this is how it went...

Saturday night, Nathan had to work from 5pm to 2am.  I brought him to work and Dan was setting an alarm so he could go pick him up.  The girls were either in bed or watching tv.  Dan and I were laying in bed watching tv.  Actually, if truth be told, I was watching old episodes of The West Wing on Netflix via my phone....but I digress.  At about 10:15pm, I heard Dan swear under his breath.  He got up and started to get dressed.  I asked him where he was going...."Walmart".  I asked him why and he said, "because I just have to go". 

So, I knew that he had suddenly remembered it was Mother's Day.  After he left, I texted him and said that I know why he had to suddenly dash out and that I really don't want any Mother's Day presents....especially since he was bitching about money just a few short hours before.  He said he promised to not spend too much (I mean, how much can you really spend at Walmart?).  He took Olivia with him.

Fast forward to Sunday morning.  I wasn't feeling well.  My stomach was very upset and I had to keep running back and forth to the bathroom.  At one point, when I got up from the bed, I felt dizzy.  I decided that since Nathan didn't get home from work until almost 3am, that he, myself and Olivia would go to the 6pm mass later on.  Dan took Amelia with him to the 10.

On the dining room table was a really nice bouquet of flowers (actually, there were 2) in a fancy vase.  I guess one was for me and the other for his mom.  He bought a very nice card and signed all the kids' names and his own. 

Not once during the day did any of my kids say Happy Mother's Day to me.  Not one.

When I was taking Nathan to work at 12pm, he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner later.  He still has 2 unused gift cards to Maggiano's and he knows I like that place.  It was kind of him to ask, but my stomach still wasn't feeling right, so I said maybe we could go one day this week.  As it turned out, he came home from work early because he wasn't feeling well either (he was dizzy too).  I just assumed he was asking me to dinner because it was Mother's Day...although he never said it.

On top of all that, I made breakfast for everyone Sunday morning...biscuits and sausage gravy as well as scrambled eggs.  I cleaned the kitchen, washed and folded 3 loads of laundry and made dinner (baked chicken, steamed broccoli, rice and some sweet potato gnocchi that I bought from Trader Joes. 

Olivia posted a Happy Mother's Day note to me on her Instragam after dinner.  As I write this, I checked her Instagram...and mine and I don't see the post.  So maybe, she just made it for me and didn't post it.

It was a bust.  I'm sad.  Sadder than usual.  I wish just one of them would have said..."No mom, it's Mother's Day...let me fold those clothes for you....let me wash those dishes". 

Honestly, I haven't been a very good mother in a long time.  I suppose this is payback.  They need you when they're little and then, as they grow, you become less and less important in their lives.  As the demands got bigger and more complicated, I failed them.  It's not a big secret that I suck as a mother.  The reality of it stings though. 

I feel very unloved.  Truly.  But I'm not sure why this upsets me.  I don't want to be here anymore.

May the 4th be with you.

Saturday was the 4th anniversary of my little sister's death.  It's weird, that seems so long ago, yet I feel like I just saw her.  My sister and I had a love/hate relationship.  We got along much better when we lived several states apart and only had the phone to communicate.  She was bed bound for the last 4 or so years of her life.  She struggled.  She suffered. 

I miss her.  I so much wish that I had her to talk to, especially during this particular time in my life when my world is so dark that I can't even see my hand in front of me.  There is so much I would change about our relationship.  I would be more understanding of her addiction.  I would not be so judgmental.  I would ask her for advice.  I would let her know that she mattered to me.  I would tell her that I loved her.

She died on May 4th.  All those Star Wars fans love this day.  I remember it as a sad day.  Collaboratively, her boyfriend (of more than 20 years), her daughter and I had to make the decision to remove life support.  I waited with them (over the phone) until she took her last breath.

Since then, I've been an orphan.  My dad died when I was 17 and my mom died in 2006.  And, my sister in 2015.  Sometimes, I wonder why I am left here.  I'll never figure that one out.   I know they are waiting for me.  We will be a family again some day...and maybe not so dysfunctional. 

Emptiness

I literally have nothing left inside to give.  Do you know how that feels as a mother?  To not have anything left to give to your children...emotionally.  My oldest is about to graduate from high school and move out of the house with his friends.  He excitedly showed me the pictures of the house and which bedroom would mostly likely be his...and I had no emotion whatsoever.  I had to pretend.  I wasn't excited and I wasn't sad.  I just wanted it to be over.  Bring on the graduation, bring on all the stuff that comes with that...so it can be over.  I just want to get through each day, without anyone bugging me, so that I can come home, change my clothes and crawl into bed.  I don't want anyone to ask me for anything.  I don't want anyone to require anything from me. 

I was once told that there is a difference between "being alone" and "being lonely".  I never understood that...until now.  I feel very lonely.  I feel isolated within myself.  If I seek out the company of others, I will no longer "be alone", but the feeling inside doesn't change.  There are other people that live in my house 24/7.  I am never really "alone".  Heck, I can't even go to the bathroom without one of my kids, or the dog needing something.  The thing is, right now, I think this is how it has to be.  I have no desire for anyone else to invade my loneliness.  I just want to live in that place, that isolated, desolate place.

I wish I could feel like I used to.  Normal.  I wish this heaviness would go away.  I would like to breathe easier.  Feel lighter.

I see my regular doctor today.  Been having some chest pain over the last few months.  I've tried to ignore it.  Ignoring is my thing lately.  But, my son seemed concerned when he caught me pacing the living room floor at 2 am night before last.  I was debating about whether or not to drive myself to the emergency room.  He kept wanting me to wake his dad.  He was concerned enough that he mentioned it to one of his buddies, who in turn, asked me how I was feeling.   Not sure the doctor will do anything.  But, I don't want my son to worry.  He's about to start his new life of adulthood and he doesn't need his mother bringing him down.  As I reflect on my own life, this was an exciting time.  He needs to be free of this mother's problems.

Why are the days so long?

Escape

I tried to escape this past weekend.  Went to Orlando with 2 of my three kids to attend a special mass down in Orlando where a friend of mine (a Catholic Bishop) was presiding. 

This was one of those things where it "sounded like a good idea at the time".  We were only there for about 36 hours, but it was just enough time to escape my black hole for a brief moment...or so I thought.   For a few hours, I was distracted enough that I could concentrate on trying to let my kids have a good time.  We ended up spending the day at Epcot.  We had fun, but it was a challenging day.  I don't like the heat and I don't like crowds....and to be honest, I am NOT a fan of Disney.  But, the trip allowed me to be somewhat removed from the heaviness that I've been carrying.  The trip was not without it's stresses.  Everything costs an arm and leg at Disney, and there was a problem with the hotel.  But we managed to laugh a little.  An illusion.

On the car ride home, I was reminded what awaited me when I pulled into my driveway at home...the same darkness that I left early Saturday morning.  As my kids slept and I drove, the tears came, again.  I didn't want to go home, yet I didn't want to be where I was either.  It seems that the only time I get real relief is when I sleep.  70 miles an hour on Interstate 95 is not a place to sleep...so, I stayed awake, dreading getting home.

It seems I can't escape it, even though I try.  I just want it to stop.  I don't want to feel like this anymore.  The sorrow wells up inside of me and I feel like I will burst.  I feel like someone has died.  Maybe it's a part of me that has died.  Either way, the only thing I can equate this feeling to is mourning.  Sadness, heaviness...it's all there.  Have you ever seen video of a shark swimming through the water with several sucker fish attached to them.   I feel like this darkness, this sadness is stuck to me like that....following me wherever I go.

If I learned anything this weekend, it's that running away or trying to escape doesn't help.  You can change your scenery, change your company...but the root of the problem remains.  So, right now...today...all I can do is look forward to the next time I can sleep. 

When can I sleep?  Hopefully, soon.