I found my tears again. For several weeks, they had dried up. They're back. In full force. Can't seem to stop it today. It's awkward while I'm at work. Feeling very anxious and like my world is crashing in around me. Having health problems too....that are likely anxiety related, but I can't be sure.
Saw an episode of America's Got Talent yesterday where a young autistic man played the piano and sang. I cried watching it...and haven't been able to stop the tears since. Feel like I'm losing it!
Oh, please help me. Please.
Showing posts with label sorrow. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sorrow. Show all posts
Thursday, May 30, 2019
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Why?
No one told me this would be so hard. The things that I thought would be easy...aren't. Likewise, the things I figured would be hard, have been the easiest. It's like I'm living in an alternate reality.
Right now, I feel like I'm living in the "Stranger Things" world of the "upside down".
I don't know what to do. I'm 54 years old and I don't have a clue about what to do next....how to handle how I'm feeling...what to let go of and what to hang on to.
Sleep is my only escape.
Right now, I feel like I'm living in the "Stranger Things" world of the "upside down".
I don't know what to do. I'm 54 years old and I don't have a clue about what to do next....how to handle how I'm feeling...what to let go of and what to hang on to.
Sleep is my only escape.
Monday, May 13, 2019
Mother's Day Pity Party
Mother's Day was a bust...at least for me. I never once brought it up to anyone, and never once did anyone say, "Mom, what would you like to do Sunday?" So, this is how it went...
Saturday night, Nathan had to work from 5pm to 2am. I brought him to work and Dan was setting an alarm so he could go pick him up. The girls were either in bed or watching tv. Dan and I were laying in bed watching tv. Actually, if truth be told, I was watching old episodes of The West Wing on Netflix via my phone....but I digress. At about 10:15pm, I heard Dan swear under his breath. He got up and started to get dressed. I asked him where he was going...."Walmart". I asked him why and he said, "because I just have to go".
So, I knew that he had suddenly remembered it was Mother's Day. After he left, I texted him and said that I know why he had to suddenly dash out and that I really don't want any Mother's Day presents....especially since he was bitching about money just a few short hours before. He said he promised to not spend too much (I mean, how much can you really spend at Walmart?). He took Olivia with him.
Fast forward to Sunday morning. I wasn't feeling well. My stomach was very upset and I had to keep running back and forth to the bathroom. At one point, when I got up from the bed, I felt dizzy. I decided that since Nathan didn't get home from work until almost 3am, that he, myself and Olivia would go to the 6pm mass later on. Dan took Amelia with him to the 10.
On the dining room table was a really nice bouquet of flowers (actually, there were 2) in a fancy vase. I guess one was for me and the other for his mom. He bought a very nice card and signed all the kids' names and his own.
Not once during the day did any of my kids say Happy Mother's Day to me. Not one.
When I was taking Nathan to work at 12pm, he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner later. He still has 2 unused gift cards to Maggiano's and he knows I like that place. It was kind of him to ask, but my stomach still wasn't feeling right, so I said maybe we could go one day this week. As it turned out, he came home from work early because he wasn't feeling well either (he was dizzy too). I just assumed he was asking me to dinner because it was Mother's Day...although he never said it.
On top of all that, I made breakfast for everyone Sunday morning...biscuits and sausage gravy as well as scrambled eggs. I cleaned the kitchen, washed and folded 3 loads of laundry and made dinner (baked chicken, steamed broccoli, rice and some sweet potato gnocchi that I bought from Trader Joes.
Olivia posted a Happy Mother's Day note to me on her Instragam after dinner. As I write this, I checked her Instagram...and mine and I don't see the post. So maybe, she just made it for me and didn't post it.
It was a bust. I'm sad. Sadder than usual. I wish just one of them would have said..."No mom, it's Mother's Day...let me fold those clothes for you....let me wash those dishes".
Honestly, I haven't been a very good mother in a long time. I suppose this is payback. They need you when they're little and then, as they grow, you become less and less important in their lives. As the demands got bigger and more complicated, I failed them. It's not a big secret that I suck as a mother. The reality of it stings though.
I feel very unloved. Truly. But I'm not sure why this upsets me. I don't want to be here anymore.
Saturday night, Nathan had to work from 5pm to 2am. I brought him to work and Dan was setting an alarm so he could go pick him up. The girls were either in bed or watching tv. Dan and I were laying in bed watching tv. Actually, if truth be told, I was watching old episodes of The West Wing on Netflix via my phone....but I digress. At about 10:15pm, I heard Dan swear under his breath. He got up and started to get dressed. I asked him where he was going...."Walmart". I asked him why and he said, "because I just have to go".
So, I knew that he had suddenly remembered it was Mother's Day. After he left, I texted him and said that I know why he had to suddenly dash out and that I really don't want any Mother's Day presents....especially since he was bitching about money just a few short hours before. He said he promised to not spend too much (I mean, how much can you really spend at Walmart?). He took Olivia with him.
Fast forward to Sunday morning. I wasn't feeling well. My stomach was very upset and I had to keep running back and forth to the bathroom. At one point, when I got up from the bed, I felt dizzy. I decided that since Nathan didn't get home from work until almost 3am, that he, myself and Olivia would go to the 6pm mass later on. Dan took Amelia with him to the 10.
On the dining room table was a really nice bouquet of flowers (actually, there were 2) in a fancy vase. I guess one was for me and the other for his mom. He bought a very nice card and signed all the kids' names and his own.
Not once during the day did any of my kids say Happy Mother's Day to me. Not one.
When I was taking Nathan to work at 12pm, he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner later. He still has 2 unused gift cards to Maggiano's and he knows I like that place. It was kind of him to ask, but my stomach still wasn't feeling right, so I said maybe we could go one day this week. As it turned out, he came home from work early because he wasn't feeling well either (he was dizzy too). I just assumed he was asking me to dinner because it was Mother's Day...although he never said it.
On top of all that, I made breakfast for everyone Sunday morning...biscuits and sausage gravy as well as scrambled eggs. I cleaned the kitchen, washed and folded 3 loads of laundry and made dinner (baked chicken, steamed broccoli, rice and some sweet potato gnocchi that I bought from Trader Joes.
Olivia posted a Happy Mother's Day note to me on her Instragam after dinner. As I write this, I checked her Instagram...and mine and I don't see the post. So maybe, she just made it for me and didn't post it.
It was a bust. I'm sad. Sadder than usual. I wish just one of them would have said..."No mom, it's Mother's Day...let me fold those clothes for you....let me wash those dishes".
Honestly, I haven't been a very good mother in a long time. I suppose this is payback. They need you when they're little and then, as they grow, you become less and less important in their lives. As the demands got bigger and more complicated, I failed them. It's not a big secret that I suck as a mother. The reality of it stings though.
I feel very unloved. Truly. But I'm not sure why this upsets me. I don't want to be here anymore.
Monday, May 6, 2019
May the 4th be with you.
Saturday was the 4th anniversary of my little sister's death. It's weird, that seems so long ago, yet I feel like I just saw her. My sister and I had a love/hate relationship. We got along much better when we lived several states apart and only had the phone to communicate. She was bed bound for the last 4 or so years of her life. She struggled. She suffered.
I miss her. I so much wish that I had her to talk to, especially during this particular time in my life when my world is so dark that I can't even see my hand in front of me. There is so much I would change about our relationship. I would be more understanding of her addiction. I would not be so judgmental. I would ask her for advice. I would let her know that she mattered to me. I would tell her that I loved her.
She died on May 4th. All those Star Wars fans love this day. I remember it as a sad day. Collaboratively, her boyfriend (of more than 20 years), her daughter and I had to make the decision to remove life support. I waited with them (over the phone) until she took her last breath.
Since then, I've been an orphan. My dad died when I was 17 and my mom died in 2006. And, my sister in 2015. Sometimes, I wonder why I am left here. I'll never figure that one out. I know they are waiting for me. We will be a family again some day...and maybe not so dysfunctional.
I miss her. I so much wish that I had her to talk to, especially during this particular time in my life when my world is so dark that I can't even see my hand in front of me. There is so much I would change about our relationship. I would be more understanding of her addiction. I would not be so judgmental. I would ask her for advice. I would let her know that she mattered to me. I would tell her that I loved her.
She died on May 4th. All those Star Wars fans love this day. I remember it as a sad day. Collaboratively, her boyfriend (of more than 20 years), her daughter and I had to make the decision to remove life support. I waited with them (over the phone) until she took her last breath.
Since then, I've been an orphan. My dad died when I was 17 and my mom died in 2006. And, my sister in 2015. Sometimes, I wonder why I am left here. I'll never figure that one out. I know they are waiting for me. We will be a family again some day...and maybe not so dysfunctional.
Monday, April 15, 2019
Escape
I tried to escape this past weekend. Went to Orlando with 2 of my three kids to attend a special mass down in Orlando where a friend of mine (a Catholic Bishop) was presiding.
This was one of those things where it "sounded like a good idea at the time". We were only there for about 36 hours, but it was just enough time to escape my black hole for a brief moment...or so I thought. For a few hours, I was distracted enough that I could concentrate on trying to let my kids have a good time. We ended up spending the day at Epcot. We had fun, but it was a challenging day. I don't like the heat and I don't like crowds....and to be honest, I am NOT a fan of Disney. But, the trip allowed me to be somewhat removed from the heaviness that I've been carrying. The trip was not without it's stresses. Everything costs an arm and leg at Disney, and there was a problem with the hotel. But we managed to laugh a little. An illusion.
On the car ride home, I was reminded what awaited me when I pulled into my driveway at home...the same darkness that I left early Saturday morning. As my kids slept and I drove, the tears came, again. I didn't want to go home, yet I didn't want to be where I was either. It seems that the only time I get real relief is when I sleep. 70 miles an hour on Interstate 95 is not a place to sleep...so, I stayed awake, dreading getting home.
It seems I can't escape it, even though I try. I just want it to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore. The sorrow wells up inside of me and I feel like I will burst. I feel like someone has died. Maybe it's a part of me that has died. Either way, the only thing I can equate this feeling to is mourning. Sadness, heaviness...it's all there. Have you ever seen video of a shark swimming through the water with several sucker fish attached to them. I feel like this darkness, this sadness is stuck to me like that....following me wherever I go.
If I learned anything this weekend, it's that running away or trying to escape doesn't help. You can change your scenery, change your company...but the root of the problem remains. So, right now...today...all I can do is look forward to the next time I can sleep.
When can I sleep? Hopefully, soon.
This was one of those things where it "sounded like a good idea at the time". We were only there for about 36 hours, but it was just enough time to escape my black hole for a brief moment...or so I thought. For a few hours, I was distracted enough that I could concentrate on trying to let my kids have a good time. We ended up spending the day at Epcot. We had fun, but it was a challenging day. I don't like the heat and I don't like crowds....and to be honest, I am NOT a fan of Disney. But, the trip allowed me to be somewhat removed from the heaviness that I've been carrying. The trip was not without it's stresses. Everything costs an arm and leg at Disney, and there was a problem with the hotel. But we managed to laugh a little. An illusion.
On the car ride home, I was reminded what awaited me when I pulled into my driveway at home...the same darkness that I left early Saturday morning. As my kids slept and I drove, the tears came, again. I didn't want to go home, yet I didn't want to be where I was either. It seems that the only time I get real relief is when I sleep. 70 miles an hour on Interstate 95 is not a place to sleep...so, I stayed awake, dreading getting home.
It seems I can't escape it, even though I try. I just want it to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore. The sorrow wells up inside of me and I feel like I will burst. I feel like someone has died. Maybe it's a part of me that has died. Either way, the only thing I can equate this feeling to is mourning. Sadness, heaviness...it's all there. Have you ever seen video of a shark swimming through the water with several sucker fish attached to them. I feel like this darkness, this sadness is stuck to me like that....following me wherever I go.
If I learned anything this weekend, it's that running away or trying to escape doesn't help. You can change your scenery, change your company...but the root of the problem remains. So, right now...today...all I can do is look forward to the next time I can sleep.
When can I sleep? Hopefully, soon.
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