Life Goes On

Life continues to move along, whether I'm paying attention or not.   Very little to nothing has changed since I last posted.  It's like I'm on a winding road with hills, switchbacks and no pavement.  I never know what is around the next bend.  Sometimes, I drive a little too close to the cliff's edge and I have to force myself to swerve away.  The only thing I can do is to drive slow.


I guess the biggest difference from a few months ago is that I don't cry as much.  I really went through a spell of intense sadness when all I could do was cry...when all I wanted to do was cry.  Although the tears have stopped, the intense sadness has not gone away.  I believe this will be with me forever.  The sadness includes deep regret, mostly for things left unsaid and undone.  Some of the sadness comes from fear.  I think the fear comes from isolation.  I'm afraid because I really don't know who I am.  I have lived for 54 years so far.  I have a husband, 3 children, family and friends.  Still, I have no clue what I'm doing.  I'm miserable most of the time and it appears that I bring others misery too.  I really don't know who I am.


Whatever is going on with me, it's going on deep inside.  Very deep.  Someone recently asked me if they think I'm having a "midlife crisis".  That kind of made me chuckle.  No, I really don't feel as though it's a crisis.  A crisis to me indicates something temporary.  Something that exists for a season and can be changed simply by changing circumstances or surroundings.  This kind of "fix" will not change what is going on inside of me.  Some would say, "only God can fix this".  Maybe.  The thing is, He and I have been having conversations about this for quite some time.  I see no light at the end of my tunnel.  Perhaps, this is the inner turmoil that He is allowing me to have for a purpose.  I think of Mother Teresa: 

 "In my heart, there is no faith. I want God with all the powers of my soul, and yet between us there is terrible separation."

I feel separated from everything and everyone, including God.  Especially God.

I was cleared by cardiology.  This means that the terrible chest and jaw pain is not my heart.  I have been cleared by gastroenterology.  This means that although I have severe GERD, it has not caused esophageal cancer...yet.  She did find a hiatal hernia which could be causing some of the pain, but it is a small one so they are going to leave it alone.  I haven't been to the oncologist yet to find out what's causing my hip pain.  I think I'm too scared.  With all the other things going on in my life right now, I do NOT need another bout with cancer.  I just don't. 

So, I plow through each day.  I get up, get dressed, go through all the motions I need to go through.  I smile and I nod.  I laugh at appropriate times, look sad and concerned at appropriate times, do everything I'm supposed to do and I do it all with the utmost emptiness and sadness. 

Maybe one day, I'll figure this out. 

May the 4th be with you.

Saturday was the 4th anniversary of my little sister's death.  It's weird, that seems so long ago, yet I feel like I just saw her.  My sister and I had a love/hate relationship.  We got along much better when we lived several states apart and only had the phone to communicate.  She was bed bound for the last 4 or so years of her life.  She struggled.  She suffered. 

I miss her.  I so much wish that I had her to talk to, especially during this particular time in my life when my world is so dark that I can't even see my hand in front of me.  There is so much I would change about our relationship.  I would be more understanding of her addiction.  I would not be so judgmental.  I would ask her for advice.  I would let her know that she mattered to me.  I would tell her that I loved her.

She died on May 4th.  All those Star Wars fans love this day.  I remember it as a sad day.  Collaboratively, her boyfriend (of more than 20 years), her daughter and I had to make the decision to remove life support.  I waited with them (over the phone) until she took her last breath.

Since then, I've been an orphan.  My dad died when I was 17 and my mom died in 2006.  And, my sister in 2015.  Sometimes, I wonder why I am left here.  I'll never figure that one out.   I know they are waiting for me.  We will be a family again some day...and maybe not so dysfunctional. 

Escape

I tried to escape this past weekend.  Went to Orlando with 2 of my three kids to attend a special mass down in Orlando where a friend of mine (a Catholic Bishop) was presiding. 

This was one of those things where it "sounded like a good idea at the time".  We were only there for about 36 hours, but it was just enough time to escape my black hole for a brief moment...or so I thought.   For a few hours, I was distracted enough that I could concentrate on trying to let my kids have a good time.  We ended up spending the day at Epcot.  We had fun, but it was a challenging day.  I don't like the heat and I don't like crowds....and to be honest, I am NOT a fan of Disney.  But, the trip allowed me to be somewhat removed from the heaviness that I've been carrying.  The trip was not without it's stresses.  Everything costs an arm and leg at Disney, and there was a problem with the hotel.  But we managed to laugh a little.  An illusion.

On the car ride home, I was reminded what awaited me when I pulled into my driveway at home...the same darkness that I left early Saturday morning.  As my kids slept and I drove, the tears came, again.  I didn't want to go home, yet I didn't want to be where I was either.  It seems that the only time I get real relief is when I sleep.  70 miles an hour on Interstate 95 is not a place to sleep...so, I stayed awake, dreading getting home.

It seems I can't escape it, even though I try.  I just want it to stop.  I don't want to feel like this anymore.  The sorrow wells up inside of me and I feel like I will burst.  I feel like someone has died.  Maybe it's a part of me that has died.  Either way, the only thing I can equate this feeling to is mourning.  Sadness, heaviness...it's all there.  Have you ever seen video of a shark swimming through the water with several sucker fish attached to them.   I feel like this darkness, this sadness is stuck to me like that....following me wherever I go.

If I learned anything this weekend, it's that running away or trying to escape doesn't help.  You can change your scenery, change your company...but the root of the problem remains.  So, right now...today...all I can do is look forward to the next time I can sleep. 

When can I sleep?  Hopefully, soon.

Release

I didn't cry as much yesterday.  I managed to hold it in for most of the day.  It was busy at work and I had to take part in a peer interview which meant I had to prepare and concentrate.  I guess, in some ways, it was a relief to not focus inwardly so much.  I was forced to focus on someone/something other than myself.  Maybe that's part of my problem, however as I have  mentioned before, I don't care much about what I should be doing or what other people think should be my focus.  I'm done trying to comply and conform.  Is this selfish?  Yes.  Do I care what you think about that?  No.

While I managed to stifle the tears most of the day, there were moments when the sorrow I feel inside was overwhelming.  It overcomes me like a wave.  It can't be stopped.  It just is.  I'm really not sure how a human being can handle this much sadness, this much sorrow, this much disappointment.  I now understand how it is that people get to the point where they can't take it one more minute.  It consumes you.

I wish there was a pill I could take that would instantly make this better.  There isn't one.  Oh, I've been on medication many times in my life for depression and anxiety.  Sometimes they work, but only for awhile.  Sometimes they don't work at all.  In the end, I'm left with the reality of who I am.

Still, I have to function.  I have to get up each morning, get dressed, get to work, pick up the kids, get home....and then collapse.  The effort involved in just moving through my day is shocking, even for me.  I feel as though I've run a marathon. I ache all over and I just want to be left alone.  I don't want to have to talk or interact with anyone.  The kids used to not understand this.  Now, they do.  For the most part, they ignore me too, only coming to me when it's absolutely necessary.  Sometimes, I try to interact with them like a mother should.  Mostly, I fail at that too.  I realize that I'm a lousy mother and believe me, this brings me down even further.  If there is anything left that I do care about, it is this.

Sometimes I wonder if me being gone would be better for them.  They could move on with their lives and eventually, their memory of me and my lousiness would fade.  Perhaps at some point, they would be able to remember the good times and not the bad. 

Today, I just wish I could sleep.  But, I have to go through the motions.  I have another peer interview today (we are trying to hire a manager).  Then, we're supposed to take a trip as a family this weekend.  Part of me is dreading it.  Part of me thinks that maybe, even for a short time, I can pretend things are fine...and maybe they will be, until we come home.  Then reality hits me in the face again and I'm back to square one. 

I just want to go to sleep.

Sleep

Sleep is my friend.  It truly is the only time I feel like I am free from this turmoil.  As soon as I get home from work (or picking up the kids), I immediately change into something to sleep in and crawl into bed.  Last night, Amelia asked me "Mom, what's for dinner"?  Sadly, my answer was something like, "I don't care, have whatever you want".  So, she did.  Cereal.  I think Nathan walked up to Subway and Olivia ate chips and salsa (which is her preferred meal anyway).  It won't kill any of them.  I think that at some point later, I made some ramen for myself.  I couldn't eat it all so Olivia ate what she could and the dog got the rest.

No, I'm not proud of my behavior but, I feel like I'm holding on with threads at the moment and I'm doing what I have to in order to survive.  You couldn't make dinner in that kitchen right now anyway.  It's a mess.  There are dishes piled high in the sink.  Not a clean piece of silverware anywhere to be found.  Each of my children have two working hands.  There is no reason why they can't do a dish and clean up after themselves.  No, they expect me to do it. Guess what?  I'm not. 

What I really needed last night was for one of them....just one, to say that they would make dinner, that they would clean up.  They know that things aren't right with me.  They see it, they feel it.  They are very selective about when they want to be helpful.  There always has to be something in it for them.  I suppose, if you want to get down to brass tacks, this is my fault too.  Isn't everything the moms fault?

I vacillate between feeling guilty and not caring.  I just don't have the strength to fix this.  Whatever "this" is. 

I can't seem to stop crying.  Just when I think the waterworks are done, here they come again.  The entire office thinks I have a cold.  I get up from my desk to go to the bathroom and as soon as I'm out of the sight of another human, the floodgates open up.  I cry silently in the stall.  When the sorrow is so deep and powerful, it physically hurts to try and cry silently.  I use up almost a whole roll of toilet paper to blow my nose.  Then, I trek back to my desk and struggle through another hour or so, until the gates open again.  This is my life.  Have you ever the heard the song "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson?  Yeah.  Interesting song.

Yesterday, the scientific world shared the first real pictures of a black hole.  Interestingly enough, it didn't look much different than the pictures of what we assumed it looked like.  We had confirmation yesterday that so far, what we have hypothesized about black holes, seems to be ringing true. 
A black hole in the middle of space that is sucking everything in it's vicinity into it and nothing escapes, not even light.  I see my life as a black hole.  I feel like I'm skimming the edges.  Any moment now, and I'll be sucked in.

Where is the joy?

Some days, it's just too hard to find.  Today, I feel so sad that I'm not even bothering to look for it.  There are days (like today....most days) when I wonder what the heck is the point of any of this.  You're born, you grow up with hopes and dreams.  Some dreams come true, at least for a short time, but mostly, those get smashed with reality.  Then, it's time to die and for what?  Was any of it worth it?  Today, the answer for me is, no.

Today, I feel hopeless.  It's just that simple.  I feel empty.  I feel like I have nothing left to give another human being.  The life has been sucked out of me.

I just want to sleep.  I want to change into my jammies, take an Ativan (panic/anxiety), snuggle under my pillows and blankets....and sleep.  For two weeks straight.  I don't want to be bothered.

Usually, when I'm in this place (and yes, I've been here before), I push it all down, down, down into the depths of my being....and pretend.  I pretend everything is fine.  I go  to work, chauffer the kids, cook, grocery shop, smile and say all the right things so no one knows how I'm really feeling.  It really works too, at least for everyone else.  I just become more resentful.  I think right now, I am at my maximum resentfulness.

Sigh.  I'm just so tired.  Tired of always feeling like this.  It gets old.  It's hard to keep on pretending and I think this is why I decided to write today.  Are you ready?  Here it is in all it's simplicity....I'm done pretending.  No more.  I'm done.  I don't care what people think, I don't care if the laundry gets done, I don't care if the kids eat cereal for dinner or if no one ever does the dishes.  I can no longer be the everything to everyone.  I simply no longer care.

One day soon, I will pack my car and start driving.  I won't know where I'm going or where I'll end up.  I will just be.  I will just "be" in such a way that no one will bother me.  I will fade into the woodwork, quietly.  I will be free.

Darkness Into Light

"But I will make the blind walk along the road and lead them along paths.  I will turn darkness into light before them and rocky places into level tracks.  These things I will do, and not leave them undone."  -Isaiah 42:16

Isn't it just like God to not leave things undone?

I had a discussion with someone once who told me that darkness doesn't really exist in and of itself.  His exact words were, "darkness isn't a real thing".  He said that Light is a real thing and that darkness is just the absence of Light.   I thought that was an interesting way to look at it.  In this way, the emphasis isn't on the darkness, but on the Light. 

I think this is profound and what I will ponder today.