Life Goes On

Life continues to move along, whether I'm paying attention or not.   Very little to nothing has changed since I last posted.  It's like I'm on a winding road with hills, switchbacks and no pavement.  I never know what is around the next bend.  Sometimes, I drive a little too close to the cliff's edge and I have to force myself to swerve away.  The only thing I can do is to drive slow.


I guess the biggest difference from a few months ago is that I don't cry as much.  I really went through a spell of intense sadness when all I could do was cry...when all I wanted to do was cry.  Although the tears have stopped, the intense sadness has not gone away.  I believe this will be with me forever.  The sadness includes deep regret, mostly for things left unsaid and undone.  Some of the sadness comes from fear.  I think the fear comes from isolation.  I'm afraid because I really don't know who I am.  I have lived for 54 years so far.  I have a husband, 3 children, family and friends.  Still, I have no clue what I'm doing.  I'm miserable most of the time and it appears that I bring others misery too.  I really don't know who I am.


Whatever is going on with me, it's going on deep inside.  Very deep.  Someone recently asked me if they think I'm having a "midlife crisis".  That kind of made me chuckle.  No, I really don't feel as though it's a crisis.  A crisis to me indicates something temporary.  Something that exists for a season and can be changed simply by changing circumstances or surroundings.  This kind of "fix" will not change what is going on inside of me.  Some would say, "only God can fix this".  Maybe.  The thing is, He and I have been having conversations about this for quite some time.  I see no light at the end of my tunnel.  Perhaps, this is the inner turmoil that He is allowing me to have for a purpose.  I think of Mother Teresa: 

 "In my heart, there is no faith. I want God with all the powers of my soul, and yet between us there is terrible separation."

I feel separated from everything and everyone, including God.  Especially God.

I was cleared by cardiology.  This means that the terrible chest and jaw pain is not my heart.  I have been cleared by gastroenterology.  This means that although I have severe GERD, it has not caused esophageal cancer...yet.  She did find a hiatal hernia which could be causing some of the pain, but it is a small one so they are going to leave it alone.  I haven't been to the oncologist yet to find out what's causing my hip pain.  I think I'm too scared.  With all the other things going on in my life right now, I do NOT need another bout with cancer.  I just don't. 

So, I plow through each day.  I get up, get dressed, go through all the motions I need to go through.  I smile and I nod.  I laugh at appropriate times, look sad and concerned at appropriate times, do everything I'm supposed to do and I do it all with the utmost emptiness and sadness. 

Maybe one day, I'll figure this out. 

There's more?

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...tada!  I was notified yesterday that my 7th grader will be retained in 7th grade for another year.  She failed math and civics.  That's all.  The school counselor called, told me matter of factly...and said goodbye.  She never offered any solutions or recommended any way to help.  I was stunned and since she called me at work and there were people standing around my desk...I didn't ask any questions.  I called my husband and he asked me about summer school.  I emailed the counselor and asked.  Her response was simple, "No, unfortunately there are no summer school options offered for 7th graders".  Not one word more.  So, I did what I always do, I panicked.  I knew she was going to be close, but her last day of school is the 31st...you would have thought the school would have reached out to me sooner.  Sigh.  I hate that school.  That school is the reason for most of my anxiety these days. 

Anyway, I was able to talk to a friend who talked me off the ledge.  She is also a guidance counselor at a local high school.  She was able to look at my daughter's records and found that she passed the first semester of math, but failed the second.  Therefore, she suggested that I enroll her in FVS (Florida Virtual School) for the summer for the 2nd semester math curriculum.  If she passes that, she should be promoted.  She can take civics as an 8th grader, but will lose one of her elective classes and more than likely, she'll have another "history" class as well.  It will only work if the guidance counselor "approves" this plan.  To hell with her if she doesn't. 

I do not need another thing.  I don't.  I can't handle any more.  Each day, I feel like a part of me dies.  Soon, there will be nothing left.  What do I do then?  It's only a matter of time.

Update!

I haven't updated in awhile.  It's been a crazy month.  Here's the latest:

For one thing, we just received the bill for Amelia's inpatient stay last month.  The total bill was $4,800.00.  Our portion is $2,640.00.  Ouch.  I'll need to check my benefits for inpatient psych coverage....but the bottom line is...we don't have $2,640.00.  Period.

For the past month, Amelia has been either coming to work with me, staying with a dear friend (Thank you Mimi), staying with my mother-in-law (Thank you, Nancy) or she's been at home.  I've only left her alone once.  I'm not comfortable with that, but on that day, it was a necessity.

We are hoping to have her in a school called "Center Academy" at the beginning of the year.  We spent a significant amount of time there a few weeks ago.  She seems to like it and I was very impressed with the program, the teacher and the director.  However, it's about $14,000 per year.  Guess what....we don't have it. 

We were able to move up her neuro-psych evaluation from the end of November to the end of this month.  Once this comprehensive testing is done, we will know more about what kind of limitations we are dealing with.  She had this same eval done back in 2013...which showed a reading disorder, a mood disorder, a behavioral disorder as well as an executive function disorder.  Of course, ADD/ADHD was also diagnosed.
Recently, I have been asked by two different mental health professionals, whether or not anyone has ever said the term "Asperger's" to us.  Up until that point, no one had.  However, the neuro psychologist is going to look into that for us and has some special tests that she will do with Amelia.  If, in fact, she finds that diagnosis present, this will open up some funding options for us.  There is one particular scholarship that would be available to us if she does have Asperger's.  We shall see.

We've contacted and spoken with an attorney.  We are waiting for all documentation to be sent to us and once that's done, we will be able to decide how to move forward.  A part of me wants to just leave it all alone and move past it....but another part (the bigger part) wants justice for my daughter.  There was no reason for her to have been treated the way she was.  Every single new document that is sent to us...including the entire medical record from her stay at the Mental Health Resource Center, confirms our belief that there was NO NEED for her to be involuntarily committed. There are inconsistencies in the accounts of what the school said, versus what the counselor said, versus what is written in the medical record.  It's all very disheartening...and disappointing.

It is still very hard for me to think about that day.  I've had to relive it several times and it is truly a nightmare to do so.  I get nauseous and shaky when I drive to the school every afternoon to pick up Nathan and Olivia.  Amelia gets agitated too.  It's strange to realize that a place can have that kind of effect on me.    Amelia and I are both trying to find a place of acceptance about what happened.  We will get there.

In addition to all of this, we were hit by Hurricane Matthew last week!  We did not sustain any major damage...but our roof took a beating.  We have at least 4 leaks in our house at the moment.  An insurance adjuster will be out Monday to take a look.  Our deductible is rather high so there's no telling how much we'll be responsible for.  Only time will tell and the truth of the matter is....you can't get blood out of a turnip.  It is what it is and we'll do our best to figure it all out.....unless of course, Jesus comes back soon, in which case...none of this will matter one iota!

I will update again soon.  In the meantime, we are trying to enjoy the fall season....such as it is here in Florida.

Our New Normal

Last Monday morning, I woke up and felt relatively normal.  It's strange, really, how that happens.  I jumped out of bed even though I felt a little sluggish (which is normal for me on a Monday).  There was nothing out of the ordinary.  My feet hit the floor.  I took about 3 steps...and then, I remembered.  I remembered the nightmare we are living and the heaviness returned.  In a split second, it all came flooding back.

They had said they would most likely discharge her on Sunday.  We never got the call.  I had talked to the nurse at about 1:00pm.  She said the doctor was doing rounds then and as soon as he'd seen her, someone would call us.  By 7:00pm on Sunday, I was frantic!  Perhaps I shouldn't have waited 6 hours...but...they were holding my daughter against my wishes....they held all the cards.  I didn't want to sound crazy or unreasonable.  I was trying my hardest not to FREAK OUT, but it was all I could do to keep it together.

Being at work was hard.  I have to work, but focusing on my job was almost impossible.  Unfortunately, we need both of our incomes in order to survive.  I'm the one that carries the benefits and so, I had to be there.  I have never experienced the clock moving as slow as it did that day.  Torture.

They called at about noon time, telling me she was being discharged and we could pick her up!  I called Dan...he met me at home and we went together.  She was happy to see us.  We signed some papers, they gave us her clothing in a brown paper bag and handed us her shoes.  She hadn't worn shoes (other than those prison shoes) in 4 days!  She said she was hungry.  We went to get something to eat.  On the way home, she told me a horrific story.  One of the girls that was in her "unit" was there for attempting suicide.  Apparently, she gave Amelia instructions on how to properly slit her wrists if she ever wanted to end it all.  The young girl told her to "make sure you hit the main artery, that way you'll die quickly".  My poor baby.  I am crushed that she had to hear that.  I am angry that between the school and the dimwits at the Child Guidance Center, they exposed my daughter to this....NEEDLESSLY!  I have no idea how this experience will effect her now....or in the future.  This is a trauma that  may not show itself for many years.  Only time will tell.  All I can do is pray for God's protection over her heart, her mind and her soul.

She is adjusting to being home.  She was glad to see Nathan and Olivia.  Even the dog was excited to see her!  To be honest, I'm not sure I'll ever let her out of my sight again....other than with close family and friends...who we trust.

We had hoped to get her into the partial hospitalization program here near our home.  We went in to talk to them on Tuesday.  However, she didn't really qualify.  For one thing, the ages range from 13 to 17...and she's only 12.  The other reason is because right now, the group of girls they have there range in age from 15 to 17 and are all there because of a suicide attempt.  Because the biggest part of the program is group therapy, the nurses did not think it would be good for Amelia to be in group therapy sessions with those girls...listening to them talk about trying to end their lives.  Although I definitely don't want her exposed to that (any more than she already was from being in the hospital), Dan and I were heartbroken.  This program was going to last anywhere from one to two weeks and was going to give us some time to figure out what to do next.

Panic again.

For now, I've enrolled her in the Florida Unschoolers association.  While this isn't the ideal situation, at least she's enrolled somewhere and the county won't be at our front door.  Until we can figure out what to do, she will either be with me at work....or with a family member/good friend during the day.  She sees her new therapist this coming Friday. In the meantime, I'll be doing some 6th grade lessons with her to keep her mind working.  I don't want her to be too stressed out when we do find her a place, so if I can keep her engaged in doing some school work, perhaps she will transition better.

All I can do is take it one day at a time.  Please continue to pray for us because we are in territory that we are unfamiliar with...and frankly, we're scared to death.   As I reflect on these last 10 days or so, I think maybe this has been traumatic for all of us and as a family, we have a lot we have to work through.  The only thing I know for sure is that I will not throw her to the wolves again!  I won't do it!  If I have to quite my job, file bankruptcy and stay in a one room hotel....I will, if it will keep her safe, if it will allow her to breathe, if it will allow her to feel normal and happy and not like she's some freak of nature.  This is how every school she has ever attended has treated her.  I will not let that happen again.  Mark my words.

We talk with the attorney on Thursday to decide how to move forward. 

Moving forward.  I have to keep repeating this in my mind.  Maybe if I say it enough, it will be easier to do.



 

Preparing

God must have been preparing me for what was to come.  He drew me to that scripture study on purpose. 

Yesterday, the school Baker Acted my daughter.  For those of you not in Florida, this means she was involuntarily committed to a mental health facility.  They didn't tell me until after they had done it.  From what I can gather, she was not upset or violent in any way, but this stemmed from something she wrote in a journal that she shared with her ESE teacher.

They handcuffed her.  She is twelve.

After several hours, I was able to see her.  She is scared but being very brave.  She is very worried that Dan and I are angry with her.  When I left her, she was wearing paper clothes, socks they gave her and no shoes.  They placed her own clothes in a paper grocery bag, stapled it shut and put her name on it with sharpie.  Just another statistic.  They wouldn't let me bring her anything last night....no toothbrush, no clothes, not even her "Snuggles" (the bunny rabbit she has slept with since she was born).  They say they can keep her up to 72 hours.  She is with about 10-12 other children her age.  I have no idea what these other children have done, what they are saying to my daughter or how they are treating her.  We won't know anything until a doctor sees her sometime today.  She will be assessed and then they'll call us.  I'm not even sure I can see her today.

As a mother, I am broken.  Truly broken.  I can't stop crying.  Nathan and Olivia are devastated.  My 15 year old son ( He'll be 16 tomorrow) sobbed in my arms last night.  He asked me if he could keep her "Snuggles" with him last night.  My sweet 16 year old boy...connecting with his sister.  We are truly going through the fire of refinement right now.  God is working.  He is moving.  He is doing something.  I don't mind admitting that I'm not at all sure about this.  I have absolutely no idea what to do next.

My God, how did we get here?