I'm still here, in this place that I don't recognize. It kind of reminds me of a song from 30 plus years ago called "Land of Confusion". It's just where I am right now. I am a stranger in my own life. It's me, it's my life, my house, my family, my reflection in the mirror. But, I don't belong here. It's all wrong. It feels all wrong.
I'm done riding this ride. I want to get off. I want to go home, where things are as they should be...where things are familiar and feel right. Where I belong. Then, and only then, will I be able to truly relax, truly feel safe. To be able to inhale deep and long, and exhale all those things that aren't mine. All those things that aren't me. To be able to truly breathe, that's what I want most of all.
But, as the song says, "This is the world we live in and these are the hands we're given, use them and let's start trying, to make it a place worth living in."
As I'm typing this in Blogger, on top of the page is the name of this Blog...."Finding My Joy in the Journey". I remember knowing that this is what I wanted to call it. It was a conscious decision.
Just so you know, I have yet to find any joy.
Showing posts with label update. Show all posts
Showing posts with label update. Show all posts
Thursday, January 30, 2020
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Keeping it together
I've been doing my best to keep it together. My son graduated from high school last week. It's been very busy. My Goddaughter also graduated, so there was that. And, I had to attend a baby shower for the daughter of one of my best friends. Yes, it's been busy. I've had to dress up, be nice and smile a lot over the last week.
I think it's strange that I had no emotion whatsoever when my son crossed the stage and received his diploma. I didn't even tear up....which makes no sense since all I've done lately is cry. I did feel pride...just like all the other parents there, but there were no tears. Maybe, it just hasn't hit me yet. He's moving out too. Yep, he and two friends are moving into a house that one of the guys mother owns. They went there yesterday to do some cleaning. New carpet is being laid today. It won't be long now before he is all moved out. Again, no emotion.
Maybe it's like a pressure cooker and one of these days soon, it'll blow. I don't know. Still just going through the motions, I guess. I wish I could feel some happiness, some contentment.
The only good news was, I had 4 days off from work (including Memorial Day). It was nice not to have to get up at o dark thirty. But, we had another horrible thing happen in our house (I won't go into the details), but sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just torch the entire house and start over.
I feel a panic attack coming as I type this. Feeling slightly nauseous and like I need to have diarrhea. I'm the only one in the office at the moment...and I can't tell if that's a good or a bad thing.
Amelia finished school last week also. Olivia is the only one still going as her last day isn't until the 31st.
Amelia starts work/camp today...and Olivia starts her gymnastics camp on the 10th. Nathan is going to help me with dropping them off and picking them up. I really need a break.
Nothing new to report....it's the same emptiness, same despair, same brokenness....just a different day.
I think it's strange that I had no emotion whatsoever when my son crossed the stage and received his diploma. I didn't even tear up....which makes no sense since all I've done lately is cry. I did feel pride...just like all the other parents there, but there were no tears. Maybe, it just hasn't hit me yet. He's moving out too. Yep, he and two friends are moving into a house that one of the guys mother owns. They went there yesterday to do some cleaning. New carpet is being laid today. It won't be long now before he is all moved out. Again, no emotion.
Maybe it's like a pressure cooker and one of these days soon, it'll blow. I don't know. Still just going through the motions, I guess. I wish I could feel some happiness, some contentment.
The only good news was, I had 4 days off from work (including Memorial Day). It was nice not to have to get up at o dark thirty. But, we had another horrible thing happen in our house (I won't go into the details), but sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just torch the entire house and start over.
I feel a panic attack coming as I type this. Feeling slightly nauseous and like I need to have diarrhea. I'm the only one in the office at the moment...and I can't tell if that's a good or a bad thing.
Amelia finished school last week also. Olivia is the only one still going as her last day isn't until the 31st.
Amelia starts work/camp today...and Olivia starts her gymnastics camp on the 10th. Nathan is going to help me with dropping them off and picking them up. I really need a break.
Nothing new to report....it's the same emptiness, same despair, same brokenness....just a different day.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Update!
I haven't updated in awhile. It's been a crazy month. Here's the latest:
For one thing, we just received the bill for Amelia's inpatient stay last month. The total bill was $4,800.00. Our portion is $2,640.00. Ouch. I'll need to check my benefits for inpatient psych coverage....but the bottom line is...we don't have $2,640.00. Period.
For the past month, Amelia has been either coming to work with me, staying with a dear friend (Thank you Mimi), staying with my mother-in-law (Thank you, Nancy) or she's been at home. I've only left her alone once. I'm not comfortable with that, but on that day, it was a necessity.
We are hoping to have her in a school called "Center Academy" at the beginning of the year. We spent a significant amount of time there a few weeks ago. She seems to like it and I was very impressed with the program, the teacher and the director. However, it's about $14,000 per year. Guess what....we don't have it.
We were able to move up her neuro-psych evaluation from the end of November to the end of this month. Once this comprehensive testing is done, we will know more about what kind of limitations we are dealing with. She had this same eval done back in 2013...which showed a reading disorder, a mood disorder, a behavioral disorder as well as an executive function disorder. Of course, ADD/ADHD was also diagnosed.
Recently, I have been asked by two different mental health professionals, whether or not anyone has ever said the term "Asperger's" to us. Up until that point, no one had. However, the neuro psychologist is going to look into that for us and has some special tests that she will do with Amelia. If, in fact, she finds that diagnosis present, this will open up some funding options for us. There is one particular scholarship that would be available to us if she does have Asperger's. We shall see.
We've contacted and spoken with an attorney. We are waiting for all documentation to be sent to us and once that's done, we will be able to decide how to move forward. A part of me wants to just leave it all alone and move past it....but another part (the bigger part) wants justice for my daughter. There was no reason for her to have been treated the way she was. Every single new document that is sent to us...including the entire medical record from her stay at the Mental Health Resource Center, confirms our belief that there was NO NEED for her to be involuntarily committed. There are inconsistencies in the accounts of what the school said, versus what the counselor said, versus what is written in the medical record. It's all very disheartening...and disappointing.
It is still very hard for me to think about that day. I've had to relive it several times and it is truly a nightmare to do so. I get nauseous and shaky when I drive to the school every afternoon to pick up Nathan and Olivia. Amelia gets agitated too. It's strange to realize that a place can have that kind of effect on me. Amelia and I are both trying to find a place of acceptance about what happened. We will get there.
In addition to all of this, we were hit by Hurricane Matthew last week! We did not sustain any major damage...but our roof took a beating. We have at least 4 leaks in our house at the moment. An insurance adjuster will be out Monday to take a look. Our deductible is rather high so there's no telling how much we'll be responsible for. Only time will tell and the truth of the matter is....you can't get blood out of a turnip. It is what it is and we'll do our best to figure it all out.....unless of course, Jesus comes back soon, in which case...none of this will matter one iota!
I will update again soon. In the meantime, we are trying to enjoy the fall season....such as it is here in Florida.
For one thing, we just received the bill for Amelia's inpatient stay last month. The total bill was $4,800.00. Our portion is $2,640.00. Ouch. I'll need to check my benefits for inpatient psych coverage....but the bottom line is...we don't have $2,640.00. Period.
For the past month, Amelia has been either coming to work with me, staying with a dear friend (Thank you Mimi), staying with my mother-in-law (Thank you, Nancy) or she's been at home. I've only left her alone once. I'm not comfortable with that, but on that day, it was a necessity.
We are hoping to have her in a school called "Center Academy" at the beginning of the year. We spent a significant amount of time there a few weeks ago. She seems to like it and I was very impressed with the program, the teacher and the director. However, it's about $14,000 per year. Guess what....we don't have it.
We were able to move up her neuro-psych evaluation from the end of November to the end of this month. Once this comprehensive testing is done, we will know more about what kind of limitations we are dealing with. She had this same eval done back in 2013...which showed a reading disorder, a mood disorder, a behavioral disorder as well as an executive function disorder. Of course, ADD/ADHD was also diagnosed.
Recently, I have been asked by two different mental health professionals, whether or not anyone has ever said the term "Asperger's" to us. Up until that point, no one had. However, the neuro psychologist is going to look into that for us and has some special tests that she will do with Amelia. If, in fact, she finds that diagnosis present, this will open up some funding options for us. There is one particular scholarship that would be available to us if she does have Asperger's. We shall see.
We've contacted and spoken with an attorney. We are waiting for all documentation to be sent to us and once that's done, we will be able to decide how to move forward. A part of me wants to just leave it all alone and move past it....but another part (the bigger part) wants justice for my daughter. There was no reason for her to have been treated the way she was. Every single new document that is sent to us...including the entire medical record from her stay at the Mental Health Resource Center, confirms our belief that there was NO NEED for her to be involuntarily committed. There are inconsistencies in the accounts of what the school said, versus what the counselor said, versus what is written in the medical record. It's all very disheartening...and disappointing.
It is still very hard for me to think about that day. I've had to relive it several times and it is truly a nightmare to do so. I get nauseous and shaky when I drive to the school every afternoon to pick up Nathan and Olivia. Amelia gets agitated too. It's strange to realize that a place can have that kind of effect on me. Amelia and I are both trying to find a place of acceptance about what happened. We will get there.
In addition to all of this, we were hit by Hurricane Matthew last week! We did not sustain any major damage...but our roof took a beating. We have at least 4 leaks in our house at the moment. An insurance adjuster will be out Monday to take a look. Our deductible is rather high so there's no telling how much we'll be responsible for. Only time will tell and the truth of the matter is....you can't get blood out of a turnip. It is what it is and we'll do our best to figure it all out.....unless of course, Jesus comes back soon, in which case...none of this will matter one iota!
I will update again soon. In the meantime, we are trying to enjoy the fall season....such as it is here in Florida.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Our New Normal
Last Monday morning, I woke up and felt relatively normal. It's strange, really, how that happens. I jumped out of bed even though I felt a little sluggish (which is normal for me on a Monday). There was nothing out of the ordinary. My feet hit the floor. I took about 3 steps...and then, I remembered. I remembered the nightmare we are living and the heaviness returned. In a split second, it all came flooding back.
They had said they would most likely discharge her on Sunday. We never got the call. I had talked to the nurse at about 1:00pm. She said the doctor was doing rounds then and as soon as he'd seen her, someone would call us. By 7:00pm on Sunday, I was frantic! Perhaps I shouldn't have waited 6 hours...but...they were holding my daughter against my wishes....they held all the cards. I didn't want to sound crazy or unreasonable. I was trying my hardest not to FREAK OUT, but it was all I could do to keep it together.
Being at work was hard. I have to work, but focusing on my job was almost impossible. Unfortunately, we need both of our incomes in order to survive. I'm the one that carries the benefits and so, I had to be there. I have never experienced the clock moving as slow as it did that day. Torture.
They called at about noon time, telling me she was being discharged and we could pick her up! I called Dan...he met me at home and we went together. She was happy to see us. We signed some papers, they gave us her clothing in a brown paper bag and handed us her shoes. She hadn't worn shoes (other than those prison shoes) in 4 days! She said she was hungry. We went to get something to eat. On the way home, she told me a horrific story. One of the girls that was in her "unit" was there for attempting suicide. Apparently, she gave Amelia instructions on how to properly slit her wrists if she ever wanted to end it all. The young girl told her to "make sure you hit the main artery, that way you'll die quickly". My poor baby. I am crushed that she had to hear that. I am angry that between the school and the dimwits at the Child Guidance Center, they exposed my daughter to this....NEEDLESSLY! I have no idea how this experience will effect her now....or in the future. This is a trauma that may not show itself for many years. Only time will tell. All I can do is pray for God's protection over her heart, her mind and her soul.
She is adjusting to being home. She was glad to see Nathan and Olivia. Even the dog was excited to see her! To be honest, I'm not sure I'll ever let her out of my sight again....other than with close family and friends...who we trust.
We had hoped to get her into the partial hospitalization program here near our home. We went in to talk to them on Tuesday. However, she didn't really qualify. For one thing, the ages range from 13 to 17...and she's only 12. The other reason is because right now, the group of girls they have there range in age from 15 to 17 and are all there because of a suicide attempt. Because the biggest part of the program is group therapy, the nurses did not think it would be good for Amelia to be in group therapy sessions with those girls...listening to them talk about trying to end their lives. Although I definitely don't want her exposed to that (any more than she already was from being in the hospital), Dan and I were heartbroken. This program was going to last anywhere from one to two weeks and was going to give us some time to figure out what to do next.
Panic again.
For now, I've enrolled her in the Florida Unschoolers association. While this isn't the ideal situation, at least she's enrolled somewhere and the county won't be at our front door. Until we can figure out what to do, she will either be with me at work....or with a family member/good friend during the day. She sees her new therapist this coming Friday. In the meantime, I'll be doing some 6th grade lessons with her to keep her mind working. I don't want her to be too stressed out when we do find her a place, so if I can keep her engaged in doing some school work, perhaps she will transition better.
All I can do is take it one day at a time. Please continue to pray for us because we are in territory that we are unfamiliar with...and frankly, we're scared to death. As I reflect on these last 10 days or so, I think maybe this has been traumatic for all of us and as a family, we have a lot we have to work through. The only thing I know for sure is that I will not throw her to the wolves again! I won't do it! If I have to quite my job, file bankruptcy and stay in a one room hotel....I will, if it will keep her safe, if it will allow her to breathe, if it will allow her to feel normal and happy and not like she's some freak of nature. This is how every school she has ever attended has treated her. I will not let that happen again. Mark my words.
We talk with the attorney on Thursday to decide how to move forward.
Moving forward. I have to keep repeating this in my mind. Maybe if I say it enough, it will be easier to do.
They had said they would most likely discharge her on Sunday. We never got the call. I had talked to the nurse at about 1:00pm. She said the doctor was doing rounds then and as soon as he'd seen her, someone would call us. By 7:00pm on Sunday, I was frantic! Perhaps I shouldn't have waited 6 hours...but...they were holding my daughter against my wishes....they held all the cards. I didn't want to sound crazy or unreasonable. I was trying my hardest not to FREAK OUT, but it was all I could do to keep it together.
Being at work was hard. I have to work, but focusing on my job was almost impossible. Unfortunately, we need both of our incomes in order to survive. I'm the one that carries the benefits and so, I had to be there. I have never experienced the clock moving as slow as it did that day. Torture.
They called at about noon time, telling me she was being discharged and we could pick her up! I called Dan...he met me at home and we went together. She was happy to see us. We signed some papers, they gave us her clothing in a brown paper bag and handed us her shoes. She hadn't worn shoes (other than those prison shoes) in 4 days! She said she was hungry. We went to get something to eat. On the way home, she told me a horrific story. One of the girls that was in her "unit" was there for attempting suicide. Apparently, she gave Amelia instructions on how to properly slit her wrists if she ever wanted to end it all. The young girl told her to "make sure you hit the main artery, that way you'll die quickly". My poor baby. I am crushed that she had to hear that. I am angry that between the school and the dimwits at the Child Guidance Center, they exposed my daughter to this....NEEDLESSLY! I have no idea how this experience will effect her now....or in the future. This is a trauma that may not show itself for many years. Only time will tell. All I can do is pray for God's protection over her heart, her mind and her soul.
She is adjusting to being home. She was glad to see Nathan and Olivia. Even the dog was excited to see her! To be honest, I'm not sure I'll ever let her out of my sight again....other than with close family and friends...who we trust.
We had hoped to get her into the partial hospitalization program here near our home. We went in to talk to them on Tuesday. However, she didn't really qualify. For one thing, the ages range from 13 to 17...and she's only 12. The other reason is because right now, the group of girls they have there range in age from 15 to 17 and are all there because of a suicide attempt. Because the biggest part of the program is group therapy, the nurses did not think it would be good for Amelia to be in group therapy sessions with those girls...listening to them talk about trying to end their lives. Although I definitely don't want her exposed to that (any more than she already was from being in the hospital), Dan and I were heartbroken. This program was going to last anywhere from one to two weeks and was going to give us some time to figure out what to do next.
Panic again.
For now, I've enrolled her in the Florida Unschoolers association. While this isn't the ideal situation, at least she's enrolled somewhere and the county won't be at our front door. Until we can figure out what to do, she will either be with me at work....or with a family member/good friend during the day. She sees her new therapist this coming Friday. In the meantime, I'll be doing some 6th grade lessons with her to keep her mind working. I don't want her to be too stressed out when we do find her a place, so if I can keep her engaged in doing some school work, perhaps she will transition better.
All I can do is take it one day at a time. Please continue to pray for us because we are in territory that we are unfamiliar with...and frankly, we're scared to death. As I reflect on these last 10 days or so, I think maybe this has been traumatic for all of us and as a family, we have a lot we have to work through. The only thing I know for sure is that I will not throw her to the wolves again! I won't do it! If I have to quite my job, file bankruptcy and stay in a one room hotel....I will, if it will keep her safe, if it will allow her to breathe, if it will allow her to feel normal and happy and not like she's some freak of nature. This is how every school she has ever attended has treated her. I will not let that happen again. Mark my words.
We talk with the attorney on Thursday to decide how to move forward.
Moving forward. I have to keep repeating this in my mind. Maybe if I say it enough, it will be easier to do.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Quick Update
Just want to take a moment to update everyone on Amelia and where we are at this point. I have been chastised by several people telling me that I shouldn't talk about this on FB. I'm not exactly sure what the difference is...whether I post here or on FB....but for now, I'm just going to update here.
We were able to see her yesterday. We had an appointment at 10am for a family therapy session. She walked in wearing the clothes I had brought to her on Friday, but she was wearing "prison shoes". You know...the kind you've seen criminals wearing in news stories. I guess it's just protocol, but it's disturbing none the less. She was quiet but seemed OK. We talked through some things and I finally have a better picture of what happened. We have contacted an attorney and because of that, I'm not going to talk about the details at this time. Just know that since talking to Amelia, I am even more concerned about the way things were handled.
In the end, doors have opened to us that would not have been before this crisis situation. I'm hoping that when we come to end of this part of the journey, we will be in a better place.
As I write this, we are waiting to hear if she will be released today. When we met with the therapist yesterday, she thought today would be the day. I called earlier and they said the doctor was doing rounds now and we would be notified soon. We have a plan for the immediate future and this is a good thing.
We celebrated Nathan's 16th birthday yesterday without her. It was awful. I tried to make things as nice and happy as I could for Nathan, but let's face it...it's not the same. Nathan was a trooper and understood. He told me, "Mom, Amelia is more important right now...and I understand." I love that kid!
Fr. Fred's homily today was interesting. It was as if he was talking directly to our family! It was a God moment.
For now, we are just waiting. I'll update again soon. Thank you all so much for your texts, emails and phone calls. They mean the world to us.
We were able to see her yesterday. We had an appointment at 10am for a family therapy session. She walked in wearing the clothes I had brought to her on Friday, but she was wearing "prison shoes". You know...the kind you've seen criminals wearing in news stories. I guess it's just protocol, but it's disturbing none the less. She was quiet but seemed OK. We talked through some things and I finally have a better picture of what happened. We have contacted an attorney and because of that, I'm not going to talk about the details at this time. Just know that since talking to Amelia, I am even more concerned about the way things were handled.
In the end, doors have opened to us that would not have been before this crisis situation. I'm hoping that when we come to end of this part of the journey, we will be in a better place.
As I write this, we are waiting to hear if she will be released today. When we met with the therapist yesterday, she thought today would be the day. I called earlier and they said the doctor was doing rounds now and we would be notified soon. We have a plan for the immediate future and this is a good thing.
We celebrated Nathan's 16th birthday yesterday without her. It was awful. I tried to make things as nice and happy as I could for Nathan, but let's face it...it's not the same. Nathan was a trooper and understood. He told me, "Mom, Amelia is more important right now...and I understand." I love that kid!
Fr. Fred's homily today was interesting. It was as if he was talking directly to our family! It was a God moment.
For now, we are just waiting. I'll update again soon. Thank you all so much for your texts, emails and phone calls. They mean the world to us.
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