Good Bye 2024.

 Not just good bye....good riddance!  This has been a really bad year.  Don't get me wrong, there were some good things that happened, but as a whole, 2024 sucked.  Honestly, I don't have high hopes for 2025 either.  I think it's just the nature of time, of aging, of wanting the world to slow down.  But that's not going to happen.  I have to make peace with it.

These are the highlights for 2024:

January:  My 96 year old father-in-law died from a fall.  He broke his hip and just never recovered.  I will miss him terribly.  The good news is that he lived a very long, good, productive life.  He was very special to me.

April:  My evil neighbor sent the "attack" signal to his dogs and mauled my precious cat (Frank) to death.  He died in my arms...in front of all three of my kids.  Yes, the kids are all adults, but this was traumatic for all of us.  I'm not sure I'll ever get over that.  I have tried every single day since then to not wish bad things on this neighbor.  Incidentally, about a month ago, his dogs (who are not fenced in or leashed) attacked a woman and her dog walking down the street in front of his house. Police were involved.  I was able to find out that the woman and her dog were OK.  Yet NOTHING happened to the neighbor or his dogs.  To this day, he still lets them outside without a leash.  Un-freaking-believable.

July:  My brother-in-law's brother died.  Although I wasn't technically related to Ken, his death was so very unfortunate.  He lived a hard life...he played hard and suffered hard.  He was diagnosed with a hard to treat cancer, and he had no health coverage.  By the time his friends rallied to set up a Go Fund Me, it was too late.  I think he knew he was sick long before he ever shared that with anyone else.  He was 60 years old.  

October 11th:  My 96 year old mother-in-law fell at home.  In truth, we don't know exactly when or where. At first, she seemed ok, but she was in a lot of pain.  Took her to the urgent care, they ordered a CT Scan and as it turned out, when she fell, she broke 3 ribs and one of them punctured her lung.  She was transferred to the ICU of our local hospital.  She spent about a week in the hospital and then came home.  We were able to secure a home health nurse for the day time during the week and Dan and his other siblings would stay with her at night.  It's been hard for her as she has lost almost all of her independence.  She had to have help to sit up, sit down, change clothes, use the bathroom.  She could no longer cook or clean (which drove her absolutely nuts) by herself, so some days, she was extremely irritable.  She would eat very little as she was nauseous all the time from the pain meds.  Not sure why she was never given any anti nausea medicine, I mean, that just makes sense.  But then again, some of the members of Dan's family, especially those in charge, are not playing with a full deck.

November:  We had to put our dog Baxter to sleep.  Baxter was a rat terrier and a pain in my arse.  He was not a nice dog.  As a matter of fact, he was mean.  He would nip or bite and just had a bad attitude most of the time.  He was also a sickly dog.  He had various gastrointestinal issues, not the least of which was a bout of pancreatitis that cost us about $750 to fix.  He also had a small tumor on his back leg for years.  It never bothered him and never grew....until it did.  At some point, he had licked it until it split open.  It happened while we were out of the house.  When we got home, there was blood and puss all over the house and he was in a lot of pain.  I had to put the muzzle on him just to wrap his leg in a towel.  We took him to the vet, but the vet said there was too much infection and it would be best to put him down.  To be honest, I hated that dog most of the time....but I didn't want him to die.  I cried over that dumb dog.  Like I said, he was a pain in the arse...but he had been a fixture in our house for 10 years.  I was lonely when he was gone.  Maybe he and Frank are playing over the rainbow.

December 29th:  My mother in law passed away.  It was a long and hard two months.  She was well taken care of....24/7 by family and by a sitter some days.  Sadly, she wasted away.  She never got her appetite back and then slowly, she stopped taking any fluids.  It got to the point where she just slept all the time.  It was suggested by the physical therapist that it was time to call hospice.  Hospice came on 12/26 and she died 3 days later.  I'm still in shock.  My life will never be the same.  She was the best of the best.    Two days before she died, her sister (who was 98) passed away up in Virginia.  

2024 didn't end any better than it started.  And with two funerals in the next week (Dan's aunt on the 8th and his mother on the 11th), it looks like 2025 has started off with a bang.  

There was one good thing that happened this year, and I'll share all of that when the funerals are over and I have some time to change my attitude and to turn my frown upside down.  I will also share some of plans for 2025 if for no other reason than to document that I tried.

I'm still here....

I'm still here, in this place that I don't recognize.  It kind of reminds me of a song from 30 plus years ago called "Land of Confusion".  It's just where I am right now.  I am a stranger in my own life.  It's me, it's my life, my house, my family, my reflection in the mirror.  But, I don't belong here.  It's all wrong.  It feels all wrong.


I'm done riding this ride.  I want to get off.  I want to go home, where things are as they should be...where things are familiar and feel right.  Where I belong.  Then, and only then, will I be able to truly relax, truly feel safe.  To be able to inhale deep and long, and exhale all those things that aren't mine.  All those things that aren't me.  To be able to truly breathe, that's what I want most of all.


But, as the song says, "This is the world we live in and these are the hands we're given, use them and let's start trying, to make it a place worth living in."


As I'm typing this in Blogger, on top of the page is the name of this Blog...."Finding My Joy in the Journey".  I remember knowing that this is what I wanted to call it.  It was a conscious decision.


Just so you know, I have yet to find any joy.

Life Goes On

Life continues to move along, whether I'm paying attention or not.   Very little to nothing has changed since I last posted.  It's like I'm on a winding road with hills, switchbacks and no pavement.  I never know what is around the next bend.  Sometimes, I drive a little too close to the cliff's edge and I have to force myself to swerve away.  The only thing I can do is to drive slow.


I guess the biggest difference from a few months ago is that I don't cry as much.  I really went through a spell of intense sadness when all I could do was cry...when all I wanted to do was cry.  Although the tears have stopped, the intense sadness has not gone away.  I believe this will be with me forever.  The sadness includes deep regret, mostly for things left unsaid and undone.  Some of the sadness comes from fear.  I think the fear comes from isolation.  I'm afraid because I really don't know who I am.  I have lived for 54 years so far.  I have a husband, 3 children, family and friends.  Still, I have no clue what I'm doing.  I'm miserable most of the time and it appears that I bring others misery too.  I really don't know who I am.


Whatever is going on with me, it's going on deep inside.  Very deep.  Someone recently asked me if they think I'm having a "midlife crisis".  That kind of made me chuckle.  No, I really don't feel as though it's a crisis.  A crisis to me indicates something temporary.  Something that exists for a season and can be changed simply by changing circumstances or surroundings.  This kind of "fix" will not change what is going on inside of me.  Some would say, "only God can fix this".  Maybe.  The thing is, He and I have been having conversations about this for quite some time.  I see no light at the end of my tunnel.  Perhaps, this is the inner turmoil that He is allowing me to have for a purpose.  I think of Mother Teresa: 

 "In my heart, there is no faith. I want God with all the powers of my soul, and yet between us there is terrible separation."

I feel separated from everything and everyone, including God.  Especially God.

I was cleared by cardiology.  This means that the terrible chest and jaw pain is not my heart.  I have been cleared by gastroenterology.  This means that although I have severe GERD, it has not caused esophageal cancer...yet.  She did find a hiatal hernia which could be causing some of the pain, but it is a small one so they are going to leave it alone.  I haven't been to the oncologist yet to find out what's causing my hip pain.  I think I'm too scared.  With all the other things going on in my life right now, I do NOT need another bout with cancer.  I just don't. 

So, I plow through each day.  I get up, get dressed, go through all the motions I need to go through.  I smile and I nod.  I laugh at appropriate times, look sad and concerned at appropriate times, do everything I'm supposed to do and I do it all with the utmost emptiness and sadness. 

Maybe one day, I'll figure this out. 

I'm Curious

So, I'm curious.  Why do some people struggle and others seem to sail through life with ease?  This is mostly a rhetorical question as I realize that things are never exactly as they appear.  But what I'm getting at is, sometimes it seems that a person gets hit over and over again and can never really regain strength enough to get up. 

Believing in God can sometimes make this more difficult because the question needs to be asked, "Why does God allow so much strife for some people and not others"?  The answers are pretty standard...."God never gives you more than you can handle"....."You must be a good Christian because the devil is attacking you more"...."You must have a lesson that God wants you to learn"...."It only seems that your world is falling down around you, but it isn't"...."You're still alive and breathing so is it really that bad"...."There are others that have it far worse than you so stop complaining"....blah, blah, blah.

If I reflect on the last few months to a year of my life, I've come to some possible conclusions:

1. God does not really exist.  It's a made up, fabricated fairy tale that is meant to give you an illusion that someone gives a rats ass about you and your circumstances.
2. God does exist and He's a joker and gets His jollies off on creating havoc in people's lives...almost driving them off the edge of a cliff.

There might be other possibilities too, but I'll just quit while I'm ahead.

Can you tell that I'm bitter?  You can't?  Well, let me spell it out for you a little better:

   You know that poem about there being only one set of footprints in the sand?  Well, I don't feel like I'm being carried, nor do I feel like I've ever been carried!  That's right!  I feel abandoned, left fully alone to fend for myself.  Today, I feel like prayer is a waste of time.  It's a farce!  I go to church, I pray, but to no avail.  I'm just going through the motions like a good little pawn.  Ha!  The jokes on me!

Who Am I?

Do you ever feel like you are standing on the outside looking in at your own life?  I'm living my life.  Things are happening to me.  I'm living, breathing...being.  Yet, it feels like it's someone else.  I don't feel like me.  I feel like a visitor...and outsider.  I feel so disconnected to myself.  Nothing seems familiar. 

Nathan is totally gone.  His room is empty...well, actually, we've moved Amelia in there.  He is really and truly gone.  It doesn't seem possible that 19 years have passed that quickly.  Where did the time go?  Oh, if only I could go back....go back to the year 2000.  I would do so much differently!  Everything differently!  I wish there was a way to go back to that time and slow it down. 

I have no words for the emptiness I feel....no words for the unfamiliarity of this situation.  I feel so out of my element....a little like I'm living someone elses life.


Sleep.  I need to sleep.  I don't feel anything when I sleep.

Keeping it together

I've been doing my best to keep it together.  My son graduated from high school last week.  It's been very busy.  My Goddaughter also graduated, so there was that.  And, I had to attend a baby shower for the daughter of one of my best friends.  Yes, it's been busy.  I've had to dress up, be nice and smile a lot over the last week. 

I think it's strange that I had no emotion whatsoever when my son crossed the stage and received his diploma.  I didn't even tear up....which makes no sense since all I've done lately is cry.  I did feel pride...just like all the other parents there, but there were no tears.  Maybe, it just hasn't hit me yet.  He's moving out too.  Yep, he and two friends are moving into a house that one of the guys mother owns.  They went there yesterday to do some cleaning.  New carpet is being laid today.  It won't be long now before he is all moved out.  Again, no emotion. 

Maybe it's like a pressure cooker and one of these days soon, it'll blow.  I don't know.  Still just going through the motions, I guess.  I wish I could feel some happiness, some contentment.

The only good news was, I had 4 days off from work (including Memorial Day).  It was nice not to have to get up at o dark thirty.  But, we had another horrible thing happen in our house (I won't go into the details), but sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just torch the entire house and start over. 

I feel a panic attack coming as I type this.  Feeling slightly nauseous and like I need to have diarrhea.  I'm the only one in the office at the moment...and I can't tell if that's a good or a bad thing.

Amelia finished school last week also.  Olivia is the only one still going as her last day isn't until the 31st. 

Amelia starts work/camp today...and Olivia starts her gymnastics camp on the 10th.  Nathan is going to help me with dropping them off and picking them up.  I really need a break. 

Nothing new to report....it's the same emptiness, same despair, same brokenness....just a different day.