Another Trip Around The Sun

 I turned 60 in January of this year.  I'm trying to come to grips with it.  Sixty.  The average life expectancy for an American female is around 80.  So, to think, on average, I've got about another 20 years left.  TWENTY YEARS!!  How does this happen?  Why does time go by so fast?  I've pretty much completed three quarters of my life.  

I don't feel 60.  Sure, my knees ache.  I'm out of breath with a lot less activity these days (I'm also a lot heavier).  I cry easier, I laugh easier.  I don't sleep as well as I used to.  There were so many things I cared about when I was younger, that I don't even think twice about now.  

I read something today that I wanted to share here:

The bittersweet truth about getting older...

I think about it almost everyday.

Especially since turning 40.

I'm 45 now.  And some days, I can't even look in the mirror without crying.

I don't recognize the reflection anymore.

I grieve the parts of myself I didn't appreciate more when I had them...

the plump skin, the full hair, the shapelier body, the energy.

I thought I had time.

But time speeds up when you're not looking.

And Society hasn't been kind about aging either.

We're told to erase the signs of living instead of celebrating them.

To treat wrinkles like flaws.

To pour thousands into injections and surgeries instead of presence and joy.

But I look my because because I am my age.

And that should be enough.

Every grey hair is a badge.  Every wrinkle, a receipt for the life I've lived.

Too many people never get the chance to wear that.

Still, sometimes I ache with longing.

I miss my past self.

The freedom.  The recklessness.

The magic of being young.

The moments I didn't know were "lasts" until they were gone.

I wish I had taken more risks.  Been more patient.

Loved myself more.  Spent more time with the people who mattered.

Less time proving myself to the ones who didn't.

But this isn't a list of regrets.

It's a wish list.

A compass for the rest of my life.

Because I want to be 80 and say:

I lived.  Fully.  Unapologetically.

Thank you, Holly. (hollyatamillustration on Insta).  I needed to have this conversation with myself.  I just wish I had done it sooner.

Not Fair

Life is not fair.  I realize that no one said it would be, but this fact...along with everything else, just gets on my nerves.

My best friend from grade school passed away on Monday.  She just turned 54.  She died from metastatic breast cancer that had spread to her bones, lungs and liver.  She has twin 7 year olds (they were adopted).  I think she was cancer free for about 4 years after she was first diagnosed and treated.  It came back again and she had a few months in remission.  She battled this disease for close to 15 years.  But then...well, you know the rest.  She lived in constant pain.  It seems that cancer in your bones (particularly your spine and tailbone) is unrelenting and extremely painful.  She had a ton of chemo and quite a bit of radiation.

It used to be that if you were diagnosed with breast cancer, had surgery, and then adjuvant therapy (chemo, radiation), and if you were cancer free for 5 years....they considered you "cancer free".  As a non physician....this makes no sense to me.  All it takes is ONE CELL to remain in your body and the potential for recurrence is massive.  Which brings me back to myself.  I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma on 7/8/08.  I had a mastectomy (left) on 8/4/08.  Started chemo in September.  I had 4 rounds of Taxotere and Cytoxin.  Completed chemo in December 2008 and then began a 5 year regimen of Arimidex (aromatase inhibitor for hormone positive breast cancers).  In February of 2009, I had a complete hysterectomy.  Since then, I have had PET scans and CAT scans, regular visits with an oncologist (until the summer of 2018 when he "cut me loose") and regular mammograms (on my uni boob) and regular lab work.  I have been cancer free for 11 years.

My gut tells me that it will more than likely return someday.  The chances of the chemo slashing the throat of every single cancer cell in my body seems a little far-fetched to me, but, here I am 11 years later.  Other than the residual effects of chemo (neuropathy in my hands and feet) and "white coat syndrome" (what can I say??) as well as my lack of a left breast, I really would not know I was ever sick.  But, 99 times out of a hundred, cancer wins.

Still, I have no idea why I was allowed to live cancer/symptom free for all these years, yet my dear friend from school died at age 54 (the same age I am) and leaves behind a loving husband and a set of 7 year old twins....plus three older step children, both parents and her sister.  Why?  Why was I the one to survive this (so far)?  Why?  There is nothing special about me.  But, Rosa....Rosa was very special.  She was the most kind and loving person I have ever met.  I never heard her utter a mean or unkind word about anyone!  She never complained (at least to me) accept to say that trying to raise her twins (who both have some other health issues) and manage the pain/fatigue was difficult sometimes.

Last night, I went through all of our emails and instant messages over the last 9 years and I am so sad.  So sad for the loss of Rosa.  Up until 2015, I hadn't been with her since we graduated from 8th grade.  But thankfully, through Facebook, we were able to reconnect.   I visited my home town in 2015 after my sister died.  Rosa invited us (my son traveled with me) to her house for a New Years Day (2016) brunch.  It was a blast!  I am so thankful that God allowed me to reconnect with her in this way.  I never thought that just 3 short years later, she would be gone.

She knew she was dying.  She ended treatment about a month ago and they called in hospice.  She emailed me a few times and told me how much she loved me and how thankful she was for our friendship.  I was blessed to have had these moments with her...even if it was over the internet.  The last time we exchanged email was on 7/21/19.  She passed away on Monday, 8/12/19...just 3 weeks later.

Just when I feel like I might be climbing out of the pit of darkness that I live in....something like this happens and, I just feel like God has it in for me.  None of this makes any sense...AT ALL.

Thank you, Rosa, for all that you contributed to my life and to the world.  I hope we can see each other again some day.  I look forward to it.

Being Thankful

Today is the Monday after Thanksgiving 2018.  Truthfully, it was pretty much the same as many of the Thanksgivings I've celebrated.  You know the drill....turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, green beans...and the list goes on.  My sister-in-law hosted...again.  Her house is large and we had over 20 people there!  My small house couldn't handle it. 

This year was special though, as we also celebrated my father-in-law's 90th birthday!  It was a wonderful day and he is an incredible man.  After we had eaten, and after he had opened all of his presents, he made a little speech.  He said that after 90 years, he knew he did something right when he looks around and sees his family.  4 children, 14 grandchildren and 1 great-grandchild.  He talked about how when he was younger, he would look in the mirror every morning and say to himself "Do your very best today".  And then, at the end of the day, he would return to the mirror after contemplating his day and say, "you DID do your very best today".  The thing about this little speech was....no one was listening.  After he had opened the last present, everyone returned to their conversations.  Some returned to the football game on T.V.  But I was listening.  He made me tear up.  What a special man.  My husband and his siblings have no idea how incredibly blessed they are to still have BOTH of their parents.  They just celebrated 65 years of marriage.  They are both 90 years old and going strong...albeit slightly slower. 

My father died when I was 17.  I miss him just as much today as I did 36 years ago.  My mom died in 2006, I was 41. I'm 53 now....parentless.  My only sibling, my sister, died in 2015.  I feel like I'm orphaned.  Yes, I have a loving husband and 3 children who I adore.  I have extended family and many friends who I love as if they were family.  But, there is something missing in my life.

As I contemplate the things I'm thankful for in this holiday season, I don't want to lose sight of my many blessings.  Today, I am most thankful for this family that I married into....specifically my husband's parents.  I have no idea how much longer I'll have with them, but I will enjoy each and every moment.  Life circumstances took my parents way too young, but God has allowed me two beautiful people to step into their shoes for the last 21 years of my life.  I couldn't be more grateful.