This Space

 It seems that I have a love/hate relationship with this space.   Writing here has always been a place of refuge for me.  A place where I could bare my soul knowing full well that no one will care or even read my words.  A place where I could talk about all the things wrong in the world and all the things wrong with me.  A place where I don't have to pretend to have all the answers.  More simply, a place where I can admit that I don't have a clue about what I'm doing...in any area of my life.

At different times in my life, I have suffered with depression, anxiety, insecurities, and low self-esteem.  But haven't we all?  I mean, these conditions are not exclusive to me or my life.  For me, part of my therapy over the years has been to write about it.  I do pretty well for awhile, and then, I get discouraged.  I guess because it's difficult on some days to live this life, let alone write about it and God forbid, have to read my own words.  

Recently, I received word that my long time therapist will be retiring in February.  I've been seeing him regularly since 2008 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  He has seen me through several surgeries and several rounds of chemotherapy.  He's held my hand through Cat Scans, PET Scans, MRI Scans, tumor marker lab work and annual mammograms for my "uni-boob".  He understood the survivor's guilt that I have felt over the years when attending the funerals of dear friends who fought breast cancer just as hard as I have, but they had a different outcome.  He understood the scanxiety.  You see, even though it has been 14 years since I was first diagnosed, he understood that I live every single day anticipating its return.  Some days, I'm able to overlook those fears and some days, I'm not able to.  He's more than a therapist, I consider him a friend and a colleague.  I have one more appointment scheduled with him before his retirement.  And then, I'm on my own.  It will be strange but he more than deserves the rest and relaxation that we all hope for with retirement.  I wish him well.

I will now have to decide if I want to establish contact with a new therapist, or, give it a go on my own. As it stands at the moment, I'm thinking that I will run solo for a bit and see how things go.  If, at some point, I feel as though I'm fumbling too much, then I will reach out for help.  In the meantime, I suppose I will use this space as way to gather my thoughts and work things out.  I have absolutely no idea how this will go.  I've always said that life is a crap shoot.  Let's gamble.

Let's Start Again

 It's been awhile.  I know.  A lot has happened since I last wrote in this space.  The world has changed in ways I'd never imagined.  A year into the pandemic and things are still weird.  I have never experienced anything like this in my life.  I dare to say we are on the back side of this, but, what do I know?  There are few things I'm sure of anymore.  Without a doubt, I am NOT the same person I was a year ago.  Not even close.

I will be visiting these pages again...regularly....if I can figure out where to start.  I need a place to speak my mind again.  I need a place where I can be honest...mostly about my fears.  Today, if I could change anything about my life, I would go back to January 1, 2020 and I would change only one thing...my attitude.  

What would you change?

Just Wondering

I'm seriously contemplating returning to this space.  I feel like writing was therapeutic for me.  I didn't always use the right words or construct the best sentences, but I was speaking from the heart.  I always felt as if a weight had been lifted after posting.  Perhaps it's time to begin the journey...again.

I'm not so sure that people even read blogs anymore.  When I started my blog, 10 or so years ago, Facebook was just beginning.  Since then, social media has boomed and communicating is much easier, albeit less personal.

I guess it isn't important if anyone reads my words.  But, it will be important for me to write them. So, on this day before Thanksgiving 2018, I will continue my search for the Joy in the Journey.

Out of the Darkness

I've been contemplating resurrecting this blog for awhile.  It's been 2 years since I've written here!  If truth be told, I have been writing, just not in a public space. The thing about writing, for me, is that I go through periods (or "spurts", if you will) where I feel like I have a lot to say, and then times when I feel like I could stare at a blank page forever.  I guess you could say that right now, I have a lot that has been bottled up and I think it's time to share.  Not because I want everyone to know all the bad things or all the struggles in my life, but because, I feel like there is safety in numbers.  Sometimes, when you make yourself vulnerable, you realize that you aren't alone and that there are others out there searching (just like me) for someone to say, "Hey, I see you.  I hear you and I know how you feel because I've been there.  You aren't walking this journey alone".

I can't promise that I'm going to write everyday, but who knows, maybe I will.  I'm going to let my soul dictate when it's time to say something.  I can promise you that I will be mindful of what I write here.  It will be important...to me...to who I am.  I can't pretend to have a handle on all the silly things that roam through my mind throughout the day, but I'm hoping this can be the place I can make some sense of it all.

Please join me.  Come and listen.  Share with me your thoughts and ideas.  Laugh with me, cry with me, be honest with me.

I'm looking forward to it!