Mother's Day was a bust...at least for me. I never once brought it up to anyone, and never once did anyone say, "Mom, what would you like to do Sunday?" So, this is how it went...
Saturday night, Nathan had to work from 5pm to 2am. I brought him to work and Dan was setting an alarm so he could go pick him up. The girls were either in bed or watching tv. Dan and I were laying in bed watching tv. Actually, if truth be told, I was watching old episodes of The West Wing on Netflix via my phone....but I digress. At about 10:15pm, I heard Dan swear under his breath. He got up and started to get dressed. I asked him where he was going...."Walmart". I asked him why and he said, "because I just have to go".
So, I knew that he had suddenly remembered it was Mother's Day. After he left, I texted him and said that I know why he had to suddenly dash out and that I really don't want any Mother's Day presents....especially since he was bitching about money just a few short hours before. He said he promised to not spend too much (I mean, how much can you really spend at Walmart?). He took Olivia with him.
Fast forward to Sunday morning. I wasn't feeling well. My stomach was very upset and I had to keep running back and forth to the bathroom. At one point, when I got up from the bed, I felt dizzy. I decided that since Nathan didn't get home from work until almost 3am, that he, myself and Olivia would go to the 6pm mass later on. Dan took Amelia with him to the 10.
On the dining room table was a really nice bouquet of flowers (actually, there were 2) in a fancy vase. I guess one was for me and the other for his mom. He bought a very nice card and signed all the kids' names and his own.
Not once during the day did any of my kids say Happy Mother's Day to me. Not one.
When I was taking Nathan to work at 12pm, he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner later. He still has 2 unused gift cards to Maggiano's and he knows I like that place. It was kind of him to ask, but my stomach still wasn't feeling right, so I said maybe we could go one day this week. As it turned out, he came home from work early because he wasn't feeling well either (he was dizzy too). I just assumed he was asking me to dinner because it was Mother's Day...although he never said it.
On top of all that, I made breakfast for everyone Sunday morning...biscuits and sausage gravy as well as scrambled eggs. I cleaned the kitchen, washed and folded 3 loads of laundry and made dinner (baked chicken, steamed broccoli, rice and some sweet potato gnocchi that I bought from Trader Joes.
Olivia posted a Happy Mother's Day note to me on her Instragam after dinner. As I write this, I checked her Instagram...and mine and I don't see the post. So maybe, she just made it for me and didn't post it.
It was a bust. I'm sad. Sadder than usual. I wish just one of them would have said..."No mom, it's Mother's Day...let me fold those clothes for you....let me wash those dishes".
Honestly, I haven't been a very good mother in a long time. I suppose this is payback. They need you when they're little and then, as they grow, you become less and less important in their lives. As the demands got bigger and more complicated, I failed them. It's not a big secret that I suck as a mother. The reality of it stings though.
I feel very unloved. Truly. But I'm not sure why this upsets me. I don't want to be here anymore.
Monday, May 13, 2019
Monday, May 6, 2019
May the 4th be with you.
Saturday was the 4th anniversary of my little sister's death. It's weird, that seems so long ago, yet I feel like I just saw her. My sister and I had a love/hate relationship. We got along much better when we lived several states apart and only had the phone to communicate. She was bed bound for the last 4 or so years of her life. She struggled. She suffered.
I miss her. I so much wish that I had her to talk to, especially during this particular time in my life when my world is so dark that I can't even see my hand in front of me. There is so much I would change about our relationship. I would be more understanding of her addiction. I would not be so judgmental. I would ask her for advice. I would let her know that she mattered to me. I would tell her that I loved her.
She died on May 4th. All those Star Wars fans love this day. I remember it as a sad day. Collaboratively, her boyfriend (of more than 20 years), her daughter and I had to make the decision to remove life support. I waited with them (over the phone) until she took her last breath.
Since then, I've been an orphan. My dad died when I was 17 and my mom died in 2006. And, my sister in 2015. Sometimes, I wonder why I am left here. I'll never figure that one out. I know they are waiting for me. We will be a family again some day...and maybe not so dysfunctional.
I miss her. I so much wish that I had her to talk to, especially during this particular time in my life when my world is so dark that I can't even see my hand in front of me. There is so much I would change about our relationship. I would be more understanding of her addiction. I would not be so judgmental. I would ask her for advice. I would let her know that she mattered to me. I would tell her that I loved her.
She died on May 4th. All those Star Wars fans love this day. I remember it as a sad day. Collaboratively, her boyfriend (of more than 20 years), her daughter and I had to make the decision to remove life support. I waited with them (over the phone) until she took her last breath.
Since then, I've been an orphan. My dad died when I was 17 and my mom died in 2006. And, my sister in 2015. Sometimes, I wonder why I am left here. I'll never figure that one out. I know they are waiting for me. We will be a family again some day...and maybe not so dysfunctional.
Thursday, May 2, 2019
Busyness
I've been trying to keep busy. It seems that if I keep busy, I don't have to think. If I think, then I feel and if I feel, then the bad thoughts come. So, it's just better to keep busy. I mean, I'm a mom to 3 teenagers (one has autism, one is graduating from high school this month, and the other is pretty low key), keeping busy really isn't a problem. Except when I have no desire to interact with anyone.
It's funny...as I write this and as I'm reflecting on it....I'm amazed. No...impressed that I have been able to put on this act for so long. It's almost automatic. I go into "pretend" mode. I can pretend that nothing is wrong...that everything is just fine and that my life is completely normal. I'm very good at it. The thing is, it wasn't anything I planned or anything that I thought about. It just comes naturally. Not the lying part, but the "stuffing it" part.
You know how when you see someone you haven't seen in a while, you might ask them, "How are you doing?" Deep down, you don't really want them to tell you how they're doing. It's just pleasantries. It's just something you say. Being polite. When you ask that question, you hear a lot of "I'm fine" or "I'm doing well"....even though I would guess that 95% of the time, people are not telling the truth.
I'm almost never telling the truth when asked that question. Never.
So, if you see me and ask me how I'm doing....and if I say "fine"....just know, I'm not fine. My world is falling apart. I'm lying to you. But, I'm handling it. I'm keeping myself busy.
It's funny...as I write this and as I'm reflecting on it....I'm amazed. No...impressed that I have been able to put on this act for so long. It's almost automatic. I go into "pretend" mode. I can pretend that nothing is wrong...that everything is just fine and that my life is completely normal. I'm very good at it. The thing is, it wasn't anything I planned or anything that I thought about. It just comes naturally. Not the lying part, but the "stuffing it" part.
You know how when you see someone you haven't seen in a while, you might ask them, "How are you doing?" Deep down, you don't really want them to tell you how they're doing. It's just pleasantries. It's just something you say. Being polite. When you ask that question, you hear a lot of "I'm fine" or "I'm doing well"....even though I would guess that 95% of the time, people are not telling the truth.
I'm almost never telling the truth when asked that question. Never.
So, if you see me and ask me how I'm doing....and if I say "fine"....just know, I'm not fine. My world is falling apart. I'm lying to you. But, I'm handling it. I'm keeping myself busy.
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Emptiness
I literally have nothing left inside to give. Do you know how that feels as a mother? To not have anything left to give to your children...emotionally. My oldest is about to graduate from high school and move out of the house with his friends. He excitedly showed me the pictures of the house and which bedroom would mostly likely be his...and I had no emotion whatsoever. I had to pretend. I wasn't excited and I wasn't sad. I just wanted it to be over. Bring on the graduation, bring on all the stuff that comes with that...so it can be over. I just want to get through each day, without anyone bugging me, so that I can come home, change my clothes and crawl into bed. I don't want anyone to ask me for anything. I don't want anyone to require anything from me.
I was once told that there is a difference between "being alone" and "being lonely". I never understood that...until now. I feel very lonely. I feel isolated within myself. If I seek out the company of others, I will no longer "be alone", but the feeling inside doesn't change. There are other people that live in my house 24/7. I am never really "alone". Heck, I can't even go to the bathroom without one of my kids, or the dog needing something. The thing is, right now, I think this is how it has to be. I have no desire for anyone else to invade my loneliness. I just want to live in that place, that isolated, desolate place.
I wish I could feel like I used to. Normal. I wish this heaviness would go away. I would like to breathe easier. Feel lighter.
I see my regular doctor today. Been having some chest pain over the last few months. I've tried to ignore it. Ignoring is my thing lately. But, my son seemed concerned when he caught me pacing the living room floor at 2 am night before last. I was debating about whether or not to drive myself to the emergency room. He kept wanting me to wake his dad. He was concerned enough that he mentioned it to one of his buddies, who in turn, asked me how I was feeling. Not sure the doctor will do anything. But, I don't want my son to worry. He's about to start his new life of adulthood and he doesn't need his mother bringing him down. As I reflect on my own life, this was an exciting time. He needs to be free of this mother's problems.
Why are the days so long?
I was once told that there is a difference between "being alone" and "being lonely". I never understood that...until now. I feel very lonely. I feel isolated within myself. If I seek out the company of others, I will no longer "be alone", but the feeling inside doesn't change. There are other people that live in my house 24/7. I am never really "alone". Heck, I can't even go to the bathroom without one of my kids, or the dog needing something. The thing is, right now, I think this is how it has to be. I have no desire for anyone else to invade my loneliness. I just want to live in that place, that isolated, desolate place.
I wish I could feel like I used to. Normal. I wish this heaviness would go away. I would like to breathe easier. Feel lighter.
I see my regular doctor today. Been having some chest pain over the last few months. I've tried to ignore it. Ignoring is my thing lately. But, my son seemed concerned when he caught me pacing the living room floor at 2 am night before last. I was debating about whether or not to drive myself to the emergency room. He kept wanting me to wake his dad. He was concerned enough that he mentioned it to one of his buddies, who in turn, asked me how I was feeling. Not sure the doctor will do anything. But, I don't want my son to worry. He's about to start his new life of adulthood and he doesn't need his mother bringing him down. As I reflect on my own life, this was an exciting time. He needs to be free of this mother's problems.
Why are the days so long?
Wednesday, April 17, 2019
Tears
It appears that my tears have dried up. I haven't cried in two days. I'm at that point where I have nothing left to cry. I am completely empty. Completely drained. There just aren't any more tears.
I saw a friend yesterday that I haven't seen since 1993. We graduated from high school together. The last time I saw her was at our 10 year class reunion. She and her partner have retired and they travel around the country in a huge, luxurious RV. It was very good to see her. She made me laugh. We had dinner, had a few glasses of wine and talked about old times. We remembered things we'd done together and we reminisced about how good we had it "back then". She brought me back to a place in my past where things were good. I think I'll live in those memories for awhile.
I saw a friend yesterday that I haven't seen since 1993. We graduated from high school together. The last time I saw her was at our 10 year class reunion. She and her partner have retired and they travel around the country in a huge, luxurious RV. It was very good to see her. She made me laugh. We had dinner, had a few glasses of wine and talked about old times. We remembered things we'd done together and we reminisced about how good we had it "back then". She brought me back to a place in my past where things were good. I think I'll live in those memories for awhile.
Monday, April 15, 2019
Escape
I tried to escape this past weekend. Went to Orlando with 2 of my three kids to attend a special mass down in Orlando where a friend of mine (a Catholic Bishop) was presiding.
This was one of those things where it "sounded like a good idea at the time". We were only there for about 36 hours, but it was just enough time to escape my black hole for a brief moment...or so I thought. For a few hours, I was distracted enough that I could concentrate on trying to let my kids have a good time. We ended up spending the day at Epcot. We had fun, but it was a challenging day. I don't like the heat and I don't like crowds....and to be honest, I am NOT a fan of Disney. But, the trip allowed me to be somewhat removed from the heaviness that I've been carrying. The trip was not without it's stresses. Everything costs an arm and leg at Disney, and there was a problem with the hotel. But we managed to laugh a little. An illusion.
On the car ride home, I was reminded what awaited me when I pulled into my driveway at home...the same darkness that I left early Saturday morning. As my kids slept and I drove, the tears came, again. I didn't want to go home, yet I didn't want to be where I was either. It seems that the only time I get real relief is when I sleep. 70 miles an hour on Interstate 95 is not a place to sleep...so, I stayed awake, dreading getting home.
It seems I can't escape it, even though I try. I just want it to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore. The sorrow wells up inside of me and I feel like I will burst. I feel like someone has died. Maybe it's a part of me that has died. Either way, the only thing I can equate this feeling to is mourning. Sadness, heaviness...it's all there. Have you ever seen video of a shark swimming through the water with several sucker fish attached to them. I feel like this darkness, this sadness is stuck to me like that....following me wherever I go.
If I learned anything this weekend, it's that running away or trying to escape doesn't help. You can change your scenery, change your company...but the root of the problem remains. So, right now...today...all I can do is look forward to the next time I can sleep.
When can I sleep? Hopefully, soon.
This was one of those things where it "sounded like a good idea at the time". We were only there for about 36 hours, but it was just enough time to escape my black hole for a brief moment...or so I thought. For a few hours, I was distracted enough that I could concentrate on trying to let my kids have a good time. We ended up spending the day at Epcot. We had fun, but it was a challenging day. I don't like the heat and I don't like crowds....and to be honest, I am NOT a fan of Disney. But, the trip allowed me to be somewhat removed from the heaviness that I've been carrying. The trip was not without it's stresses. Everything costs an arm and leg at Disney, and there was a problem with the hotel. But we managed to laugh a little. An illusion.
On the car ride home, I was reminded what awaited me when I pulled into my driveway at home...the same darkness that I left early Saturday morning. As my kids slept and I drove, the tears came, again. I didn't want to go home, yet I didn't want to be where I was either. It seems that the only time I get real relief is when I sleep. 70 miles an hour on Interstate 95 is not a place to sleep...so, I stayed awake, dreading getting home.
It seems I can't escape it, even though I try. I just want it to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore. The sorrow wells up inside of me and I feel like I will burst. I feel like someone has died. Maybe it's a part of me that has died. Either way, the only thing I can equate this feeling to is mourning. Sadness, heaviness...it's all there. Have you ever seen video of a shark swimming through the water with several sucker fish attached to them. I feel like this darkness, this sadness is stuck to me like that....following me wherever I go.
If I learned anything this weekend, it's that running away or trying to escape doesn't help. You can change your scenery, change your company...but the root of the problem remains. So, right now...today...all I can do is look forward to the next time I can sleep.
When can I sleep? Hopefully, soon.
Friday, April 12, 2019
Release
I didn't cry as much yesterday. I managed to hold it in for most of the day. It was busy at work and I had to take part in a peer interview which meant I had to prepare and concentrate. I guess, in some ways, it was a relief to not focus inwardly so much. I was forced to focus on someone/something other than myself. Maybe that's part of my problem, however as I have mentioned before, I don't care much about what I should be doing or what other people think should be my focus. I'm done trying to comply and conform. Is this selfish? Yes. Do I care what you think about that? No.
While I managed to stifle the tears most of the day, there were moments when the sorrow I feel inside was overwhelming. It overcomes me like a wave. It can't be stopped. It just is. I'm really not sure how a human being can handle this much sadness, this much sorrow, this much disappointment. I now understand how it is that people get to the point where they can't take it one more minute. It consumes you.
I wish there was a pill I could take that would instantly make this better. There isn't one. Oh, I've been on medication many times in my life for depression and anxiety. Sometimes they work, but only for awhile. Sometimes they don't work at all. In the end, I'm left with the reality of who I am.
Still, I have to function. I have to get up each morning, get dressed, get to work, pick up the kids, get home....and then collapse. The effort involved in just moving through my day is shocking, even for me. I feel as though I've run a marathon. I ache all over and I just want to be left alone. I don't want to have to talk or interact with anyone. The kids used to not understand this. Now, they do. For the most part, they ignore me too, only coming to me when it's absolutely necessary. Sometimes, I try to interact with them like a mother should. Mostly, I fail at that too. I realize that I'm a lousy mother and believe me, this brings me down even further. If there is anything left that I do care about, it is this.
Sometimes I wonder if me being gone would be better for them. They could move on with their lives and eventually, their memory of me and my lousiness would fade. Perhaps at some point, they would be able to remember the good times and not the bad.
Today, I just wish I could sleep. But, I have to go through the motions. I have another peer interview today (we are trying to hire a manager). Then, we're supposed to take a trip as a family this weekend. Part of me is dreading it. Part of me thinks that maybe, even for a short time, I can pretend things are fine...and maybe they will be, until we come home. Then reality hits me in the face again and I'm back to square one.
I just want to go to sleep.
While I managed to stifle the tears most of the day, there were moments when the sorrow I feel inside was overwhelming. It overcomes me like a wave. It can't be stopped. It just is. I'm really not sure how a human being can handle this much sadness, this much sorrow, this much disappointment. I now understand how it is that people get to the point where they can't take it one more minute. It consumes you.
I wish there was a pill I could take that would instantly make this better. There isn't one. Oh, I've been on medication many times in my life for depression and anxiety. Sometimes they work, but only for awhile. Sometimes they don't work at all. In the end, I'm left with the reality of who I am.
Still, I have to function. I have to get up each morning, get dressed, get to work, pick up the kids, get home....and then collapse. The effort involved in just moving through my day is shocking, even for me. I feel as though I've run a marathon. I ache all over and I just want to be left alone. I don't want to have to talk or interact with anyone. The kids used to not understand this. Now, they do. For the most part, they ignore me too, only coming to me when it's absolutely necessary. Sometimes, I try to interact with them like a mother should. Mostly, I fail at that too. I realize that I'm a lousy mother and believe me, this brings me down even further. If there is anything left that I do care about, it is this.
Sometimes I wonder if me being gone would be better for them. They could move on with their lives and eventually, their memory of me and my lousiness would fade. Perhaps at some point, they would be able to remember the good times and not the bad.
Today, I just wish I could sleep. But, I have to go through the motions. I have another peer interview today (we are trying to hire a manager). Then, we're supposed to take a trip as a family this weekend. Part of me is dreading it. Part of me thinks that maybe, even for a short time, I can pretend things are fine...and maybe they will be, until we come home. Then reality hits me in the face again and I'm back to square one.
I just want to go to sleep.
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