Another Trip Around The Sun

 I turned 60 in January of this year.  I'm trying to come to grips with it.  Sixty.  The average life expectancy for an American female is around 80.  So, to think, on average, I've got about another 20 years left.  TWENTY YEARS!!  How does this happen?  Why does time go by so fast?  I've pretty much completed three quarters of my life.  

I don't feel 60.  Sure, my knees ache.  I'm out of breath with a lot less activity these days (I'm also a lot heavier).  I cry easier, I laugh easier.  I don't sleep as well as I used to.  There were so many things I cared about when I was younger, that I don't even think twice about now.  

I read something today that I wanted to share here:

The bittersweet truth about getting older...

I think about it almost everyday.

Especially since turning 40.

I'm 45 now.  And some days, I can't even look in the mirror without crying.

I don't recognize the reflection anymore.

I grieve the parts of myself I didn't appreciate more when I had them...

the plump skin, the full hair, the shapelier body, the energy.

I thought I had time.

But time speeds up when you're not looking.

And Society hasn't been kind about aging either.

We're told to erase the signs of living instead of celebrating them.

To treat wrinkles like flaws.

To pour thousands into injections and surgeries instead of presence and joy.

But I look my because because I am my age.

And that should be enough.

Every grey hair is a badge.  Every wrinkle, a receipt for the life I've lived.

Too many people never get the chance to wear that.

Still, sometimes I ache with longing.

I miss my past self.

The freedom.  The recklessness.

The magic of being young.

The moments I didn't know were "lasts" until they were gone.

I wish I had taken more risks.  Been more patient.

Loved myself more.  Spent more time with the people who mattered.

Less time proving myself to the ones who didn't.

But this isn't a list of regrets.

It's a wish list.

A compass for the rest of my life.

Because I want to be 80 and say:

I lived.  Fully.  Unapologetically.

Thank you, Holly. (hollyatamillustration on Insta).  I needed to have this conversation with myself.  I just wish I had done it sooner.

Good Bye 2024.

 Not just good bye....good riddance!  This has been a really bad year.  Don't get me wrong, there were some good things that happened, but as a whole, 2024 sucked.  Honestly, I don't have high hopes for 2025 either.  I think it's just the nature of time, of aging, of wanting the world to slow down.  But that's not going to happen.  I have to make peace with it.

These are the highlights for 2024:

January:  My 96 year old father-in-law died from a fall.  He broke his hip and just never recovered.  I will miss him terribly.  The good news is that he lived a very long, good, productive life.  He was very special to me.

April:  My evil neighbor sent the "attack" signal to his dogs and mauled my precious cat (Frank) to death.  He died in my arms...in front of all three of my kids.  Yes, the kids are all adults, but this was traumatic for all of us.  I'm not sure I'll ever get over that.  I have tried every single day since then to not wish bad things on this neighbor.  Incidentally, about a month ago, his dogs (who are not fenced in or leashed) attacked a woman and her dog walking down the street in front of his house. Police were involved.  I was able to find out that the woman and her dog were OK.  Yet NOTHING happened to the neighbor or his dogs.  To this day, he still lets them outside without a leash.  Un-freaking-believable.

July:  My brother-in-law's brother died.  Although I wasn't technically related to Ken, his death was so very unfortunate.  He lived a hard life...he played hard and suffered hard.  He was diagnosed with a hard to treat cancer, and he had no health coverage.  By the time his friends rallied to set up a Go Fund Me, it was too late.  I think he knew he was sick long before he ever shared that with anyone else.  He was 60 years old.  

October 11th:  My 96 year old mother-in-law fell at home.  In truth, we don't know exactly when or where. At first, she seemed ok, but she was in a lot of pain.  Took her to the urgent care, they ordered a CT Scan and as it turned out, when she fell, she broke 3 ribs and one of them punctured her lung.  She was transferred to the ICU of our local hospital.  She spent about a week in the hospital and then came home.  We were able to secure a home health nurse for the day time during the week and Dan and his other siblings would stay with her at night.  It's been hard for her as she has lost almost all of her independence.  She had to have help to sit up, sit down, change clothes, use the bathroom.  She could no longer cook or clean (which drove her absolutely nuts) by herself, so some days, she was extremely irritable.  She would eat very little as she was nauseous all the time from the pain meds.  Not sure why she was never given any anti nausea medicine, I mean, that just makes sense.  But then again, some of the members of Dan's family, especially those in charge, are not playing with a full deck.

November:  We had to put our dog Baxter to sleep.  Baxter was a rat terrier and a pain in my arse.  He was not a nice dog.  As a matter of fact, he was mean.  He would nip or bite and just had a bad attitude most of the time.  He was also a sickly dog.  He had various gastrointestinal issues, not the least of which was a bout of pancreatitis that cost us about $750 to fix.  He also had a small tumor on his back leg for years.  It never bothered him and never grew....until it did.  At some point, he had licked it until it split open.  It happened while we were out of the house.  When we got home, there was blood and puss all over the house and he was in a lot of pain.  I had to put the muzzle on him just to wrap his leg in a towel.  We took him to the vet, but the vet said there was too much infection and it would be best to put him down.  To be honest, I hated that dog most of the time....but I didn't want him to die.  I cried over that dumb dog.  Like I said, he was a pain in the arse...but he had been a fixture in our house for 10 years.  I was lonely when he was gone.  Maybe he and Frank are playing over the rainbow.

December 29th:  My mother in law passed away.  It was a long and hard two months.  She was well taken care of....24/7 by family and by a sitter some days.  Sadly, she wasted away.  She never got her appetite back and then slowly, she stopped taking any fluids.  It got to the point where she just slept all the time.  It was suggested by the physical therapist that it was time to call hospice.  Hospice came on 12/26 and she died 3 days later.  I'm still in shock.  My life will never be the same.  She was the best of the best.    Two days before she died, her sister (who was 98) passed away up in Virginia.  

2024 didn't end any better than it started.  And with two funerals in the next week (Dan's aunt on the 8th and his mother on the 11th), it looks like 2025 has started off with a bang.  

There was one good thing that happened this year, and I'll share all of that when the funerals are over and I have some time to change my attitude and to turn my frown upside down.  I will also share some of plans for 2025 if for no other reason than to document that I tried.