Life is not fair. I realize that no one said it would be, but this fact...along with everything else, just gets on my nerves.
My best friend from grade school passed away on Monday. She just turned 54. She died from metastatic breast cancer that had spread to her bones, lungs and liver. She has twin 7 year olds (they were adopted). I think she was cancer free for about 4 years after she was first diagnosed and treated. It came back again and she had a few months in remission. She battled this disease for close to 15 years. But then...well, you know the rest. She lived in constant pain. It seems that cancer in your bones (particularly your spine and tailbone) is unrelenting and extremely painful. She had a ton of chemo and quite a bit of radiation.
It used to be that if you were diagnosed with breast cancer, had surgery, and then adjuvant therapy (chemo, radiation), and if you were cancer free for 5 years....they considered you "cancer free". As a non physician....this makes no sense to me. All it takes is ONE CELL to remain in your body and the potential for recurrence is massive. Which brings me back to myself. I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma on 7/8/08. I had a mastectomy (left) on 8/4/08. Started chemo in September. I had 4 rounds of Taxotere and Cytoxin. Completed chemo in December 2008 and then began a 5 year regimen of Arimidex (aromatase inhibitor for hormone positive breast cancers). In February of 2009, I had a complete hysterectomy. Since then, I have had PET scans and CAT scans, regular visits with an oncologist (until the summer of 2018 when he "cut me loose") and regular mammograms (on my uni boob) and regular lab work. I have been cancer free for 11 years.
My gut tells me that it will more than likely return someday. The chances of the chemo slashing the throat of every single cancer cell in my body seems a little far-fetched to me, but, here I am 11 years later. Other than the residual effects of chemo (neuropathy in my hands and feet) and "white coat syndrome" (what can I say??) as well as my lack of a left breast, I really would not know I was ever sick. But, 99 times out of a hundred, cancer wins.
Still, I have no idea why I was allowed to live cancer/symptom free for all these years, yet my dear friend from school died at age 54 (the same age I am) and leaves behind a loving husband and a set of 7 year old twins....plus three older step children, both parents and her sister. Why? Why was I the one to survive this (so far)? Why? There is nothing special about me. But, Rosa....Rosa was very special. She was the most kind and loving person I have ever met. I never heard her utter a mean or unkind word about anyone! She never complained (at least to me) accept to say that trying to raise her twins (who both have some other health issues) and manage the pain/fatigue was difficult sometimes.
Last night, I went through all of our emails and instant messages over the last 9 years and I am so sad. So sad for the loss of Rosa. Up until 2015, I hadn't been with her since we graduated from 8th grade. But thankfully, through Facebook, we were able to reconnect. I visited my home town in 2015 after my sister died. Rosa invited us (my son traveled with me) to her house for a New Years Day (2016) brunch. It was a blast! I am so thankful that God allowed me to reconnect with her in this way. I never thought that just 3 short years later, she would be gone.
She knew she was dying. She ended treatment about a month ago and they called in hospice. She emailed me a few times and told me how much she loved me and how thankful she was for our friendship. I was blessed to have had these moments with her...even if it was over the internet. The last time we exchanged email was on 7/21/19. She passed away on Monday, 8/12/19...just 3 weeks later.
Just when I feel like I might be climbing out of the pit of darkness that I live in....something like this happens and, I just feel like God has it in for me. None of this makes any sense...AT ALL.
Thank you, Rosa, for all that you contributed to my life and to the world. I hope we can see each other again some day. I look forward to it.
