I literally have nothing left inside to give. Do you know how that feels as a mother? To not have anything left to give to your children...emotionally. My oldest is about to graduate from high school and move out of the house with his friends. He excitedly showed me the pictures of the house and which bedroom would mostly likely be his...and I had no emotion whatsoever. I had to pretend. I wasn't excited and I wasn't sad. I just wanted it to be over. Bring on the graduation, bring on all the stuff that comes with that...so it can be over. I just want to get through each day, without anyone bugging me, so that I can come home, change my clothes and crawl into bed. I don't want anyone to ask me for anything. I don't want anyone to require anything from me.
I was once told that there is a difference between "being alone" and "being lonely". I never understood that...until now. I feel very lonely. I feel isolated within myself. If I seek out the company of others, I will no longer "be alone", but the feeling inside doesn't change. There are other people that live in my house 24/7. I am never really "alone". Heck, I can't even go to the bathroom without one of my kids, or the dog needing something. The thing is, right now, I think this is how it has to be. I have no desire for anyone else to invade my loneliness. I just want to live in that place, that isolated, desolate place.
I wish I could feel like I used to. Normal. I wish this heaviness would go away. I would like to breathe easier. Feel lighter.
I see my regular doctor today. Been having some chest pain over the last few months. I've tried to ignore it. Ignoring is my thing lately. But, my son seemed concerned when he caught me pacing the living room floor at 2 am night before last. I was debating about whether or not to drive myself to the emergency room. He kept wanting me to wake his dad. He was concerned enough that he mentioned it to one of his buddies, who in turn, asked me how I was feeling. Not sure the doctor will do anything. But, I don't want my son to worry. He's about to start his new life of adulthood and he doesn't need his mother bringing him down. As I reflect on my own life, this was an exciting time. He needs to be free of this mother's problems.
Why are the days so long?
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Wednesday, April 17, 2019
Tears
It appears that my tears have dried up. I haven't cried in two days. I'm at that point where I have nothing left to cry. I am completely empty. Completely drained. There just aren't any more tears.
I saw a friend yesterday that I haven't seen since 1993. We graduated from high school together. The last time I saw her was at our 10 year class reunion. She and her partner have retired and they travel around the country in a huge, luxurious RV. It was very good to see her. She made me laugh. We had dinner, had a few glasses of wine and talked about old times. We remembered things we'd done together and we reminisced about how good we had it "back then". She brought me back to a place in my past where things were good. I think I'll live in those memories for awhile.
I saw a friend yesterday that I haven't seen since 1993. We graduated from high school together. The last time I saw her was at our 10 year class reunion. She and her partner have retired and they travel around the country in a huge, luxurious RV. It was very good to see her. She made me laugh. We had dinner, had a few glasses of wine and talked about old times. We remembered things we'd done together and we reminisced about how good we had it "back then". She brought me back to a place in my past where things were good. I think I'll live in those memories for awhile.
Monday, April 15, 2019
Escape
I tried to escape this past weekend. Went to Orlando with 2 of my three kids to attend a special mass down in Orlando where a friend of mine (a Catholic Bishop) was presiding.
This was one of those things where it "sounded like a good idea at the time". We were only there for about 36 hours, but it was just enough time to escape my black hole for a brief moment...or so I thought. For a few hours, I was distracted enough that I could concentrate on trying to let my kids have a good time. We ended up spending the day at Epcot. We had fun, but it was a challenging day. I don't like the heat and I don't like crowds....and to be honest, I am NOT a fan of Disney. But, the trip allowed me to be somewhat removed from the heaviness that I've been carrying. The trip was not without it's stresses. Everything costs an arm and leg at Disney, and there was a problem with the hotel. But we managed to laugh a little. An illusion.
On the car ride home, I was reminded what awaited me when I pulled into my driveway at home...the same darkness that I left early Saturday morning. As my kids slept and I drove, the tears came, again. I didn't want to go home, yet I didn't want to be where I was either. It seems that the only time I get real relief is when I sleep. 70 miles an hour on Interstate 95 is not a place to sleep...so, I stayed awake, dreading getting home.
It seems I can't escape it, even though I try. I just want it to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore. The sorrow wells up inside of me and I feel like I will burst. I feel like someone has died. Maybe it's a part of me that has died. Either way, the only thing I can equate this feeling to is mourning. Sadness, heaviness...it's all there. Have you ever seen video of a shark swimming through the water with several sucker fish attached to them. I feel like this darkness, this sadness is stuck to me like that....following me wherever I go.
If I learned anything this weekend, it's that running away or trying to escape doesn't help. You can change your scenery, change your company...but the root of the problem remains. So, right now...today...all I can do is look forward to the next time I can sleep.
When can I sleep? Hopefully, soon.
This was one of those things where it "sounded like a good idea at the time". We were only there for about 36 hours, but it was just enough time to escape my black hole for a brief moment...or so I thought. For a few hours, I was distracted enough that I could concentrate on trying to let my kids have a good time. We ended up spending the day at Epcot. We had fun, but it was a challenging day. I don't like the heat and I don't like crowds....and to be honest, I am NOT a fan of Disney. But, the trip allowed me to be somewhat removed from the heaviness that I've been carrying. The trip was not without it's stresses. Everything costs an arm and leg at Disney, and there was a problem with the hotel. But we managed to laugh a little. An illusion.
On the car ride home, I was reminded what awaited me when I pulled into my driveway at home...the same darkness that I left early Saturday morning. As my kids slept and I drove, the tears came, again. I didn't want to go home, yet I didn't want to be where I was either. It seems that the only time I get real relief is when I sleep. 70 miles an hour on Interstate 95 is not a place to sleep...so, I stayed awake, dreading getting home.
It seems I can't escape it, even though I try. I just want it to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore. The sorrow wells up inside of me and I feel like I will burst. I feel like someone has died. Maybe it's a part of me that has died. Either way, the only thing I can equate this feeling to is mourning. Sadness, heaviness...it's all there. Have you ever seen video of a shark swimming through the water with several sucker fish attached to them. I feel like this darkness, this sadness is stuck to me like that....following me wherever I go.
If I learned anything this weekend, it's that running away or trying to escape doesn't help. You can change your scenery, change your company...but the root of the problem remains. So, right now...today...all I can do is look forward to the next time I can sleep.
When can I sleep? Hopefully, soon.
Friday, April 12, 2019
Release
I didn't cry as much yesterday. I managed to hold it in for most of the day. It was busy at work and I had to take part in a peer interview which meant I had to prepare and concentrate. I guess, in some ways, it was a relief to not focus inwardly so much. I was forced to focus on someone/something other than myself. Maybe that's part of my problem, however as I have mentioned before, I don't care much about what I should be doing or what other people think should be my focus. I'm done trying to comply and conform. Is this selfish? Yes. Do I care what you think about that? No.
While I managed to stifle the tears most of the day, there were moments when the sorrow I feel inside was overwhelming. It overcomes me like a wave. It can't be stopped. It just is. I'm really not sure how a human being can handle this much sadness, this much sorrow, this much disappointment. I now understand how it is that people get to the point where they can't take it one more minute. It consumes you.
I wish there was a pill I could take that would instantly make this better. There isn't one. Oh, I've been on medication many times in my life for depression and anxiety. Sometimes they work, but only for awhile. Sometimes they don't work at all. In the end, I'm left with the reality of who I am.
Still, I have to function. I have to get up each morning, get dressed, get to work, pick up the kids, get home....and then collapse. The effort involved in just moving through my day is shocking, even for me. I feel as though I've run a marathon. I ache all over and I just want to be left alone. I don't want to have to talk or interact with anyone. The kids used to not understand this. Now, they do. For the most part, they ignore me too, only coming to me when it's absolutely necessary. Sometimes, I try to interact with them like a mother should. Mostly, I fail at that too. I realize that I'm a lousy mother and believe me, this brings me down even further. If there is anything left that I do care about, it is this.
Sometimes I wonder if me being gone would be better for them. They could move on with their lives and eventually, their memory of me and my lousiness would fade. Perhaps at some point, they would be able to remember the good times and not the bad.
Today, I just wish I could sleep. But, I have to go through the motions. I have another peer interview today (we are trying to hire a manager). Then, we're supposed to take a trip as a family this weekend. Part of me is dreading it. Part of me thinks that maybe, even for a short time, I can pretend things are fine...and maybe they will be, until we come home. Then reality hits me in the face again and I'm back to square one.
I just want to go to sleep.
While I managed to stifle the tears most of the day, there were moments when the sorrow I feel inside was overwhelming. It overcomes me like a wave. It can't be stopped. It just is. I'm really not sure how a human being can handle this much sadness, this much sorrow, this much disappointment. I now understand how it is that people get to the point where they can't take it one more minute. It consumes you.
I wish there was a pill I could take that would instantly make this better. There isn't one. Oh, I've been on medication many times in my life for depression and anxiety. Sometimes they work, but only for awhile. Sometimes they don't work at all. In the end, I'm left with the reality of who I am.
Still, I have to function. I have to get up each morning, get dressed, get to work, pick up the kids, get home....and then collapse. The effort involved in just moving through my day is shocking, even for me. I feel as though I've run a marathon. I ache all over and I just want to be left alone. I don't want to have to talk or interact with anyone. The kids used to not understand this. Now, they do. For the most part, they ignore me too, only coming to me when it's absolutely necessary. Sometimes, I try to interact with them like a mother should. Mostly, I fail at that too. I realize that I'm a lousy mother and believe me, this brings me down even further. If there is anything left that I do care about, it is this.
Sometimes I wonder if me being gone would be better for them. They could move on with their lives and eventually, their memory of me and my lousiness would fade. Perhaps at some point, they would be able to remember the good times and not the bad.
Today, I just wish I could sleep. But, I have to go through the motions. I have another peer interview today (we are trying to hire a manager). Then, we're supposed to take a trip as a family this weekend. Part of me is dreading it. Part of me thinks that maybe, even for a short time, I can pretend things are fine...and maybe they will be, until we come home. Then reality hits me in the face again and I'm back to square one.
I just want to go to sleep.
Thursday, April 11, 2019
Sleep
Sleep is my friend. It truly is the only time I feel like I am free from this turmoil. As soon as I get home from work (or picking up the kids), I immediately change into something to sleep in and crawl into bed. Last night, Amelia asked me "Mom, what's for dinner"? Sadly, my answer was something like, "I don't care, have whatever you want". So, she did. Cereal. I think Nathan walked up to Subway and Olivia ate chips and salsa (which is her preferred meal anyway). It won't kill any of them. I think that at some point later, I made some ramen for myself. I couldn't eat it all so Olivia ate what she could and the dog got the rest.
No, I'm not proud of my behavior but, I feel like I'm holding on with threads at the moment and I'm doing what I have to in order to survive. You couldn't make dinner in that kitchen right now anyway. It's a mess. There are dishes piled high in the sink. Not a clean piece of silverware anywhere to be found. Each of my children have two working hands. There is no reason why they can't do a dish and clean up after themselves. No, they expect me to do it. Guess what? I'm not.
What I really needed last night was for one of them....just one, to say that they would make dinner, that they would clean up. They know that things aren't right with me. They see it, they feel it. They are very selective about when they want to be helpful. There always has to be something in it for them. I suppose, if you want to get down to brass tacks, this is my fault too. Isn't everything the moms fault?
I vacillate between feeling guilty and not caring. I just don't have the strength to fix this. Whatever "this" is.
I can't seem to stop crying. Just when I think the waterworks are done, here they come again. The entire office thinks I have a cold. I get up from my desk to go to the bathroom and as soon as I'm out of the sight of another human, the floodgates open up. I cry silently in the stall. When the sorrow is so deep and powerful, it physically hurts to try and cry silently. I use up almost a whole roll of toilet paper to blow my nose. Then, I trek back to my desk and struggle through another hour or so, until the gates open again. This is my life. Have you ever the heard the song "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson? Yeah. Interesting song.
Yesterday, the scientific world shared the first real pictures of a black hole. Interestingly enough, it didn't look much different than the pictures of what we assumed it looked like. We had confirmation yesterday that so far, what we have hypothesized about black holes, seems to be ringing true.
A black hole in the middle of space that is sucking everything in it's vicinity into it and nothing escapes, not even light. I see my life as a black hole. I feel like I'm skimming the edges. Any moment now, and I'll be sucked in.
No, I'm not proud of my behavior but, I feel like I'm holding on with threads at the moment and I'm doing what I have to in order to survive. You couldn't make dinner in that kitchen right now anyway. It's a mess. There are dishes piled high in the sink. Not a clean piece of silverware anywhere to be found. Each of my children have two working hands. There is no reason why they can't do a dish and clean up after themselves. No, they expect me to do it. Guess what? I'm not.
What I really needed last night was for one of them....just one, to say that they would make dinner, that they would clean up. They know that things aren't right with me. They see it, they feel it. They are very selective about when they want to be helpful. There always has to be something in it for them. I suppose, if you want to get down to brass tacks, this is my fault too. Isn't everything the moms fault?
I vacillate between feeling guilty and not caring. I just don't have the strength to fix this. Whatever "this" is.
I can't seem to stop crying. Just when I think the waterworks are done, here they come again. The entire office thinks I have a cold. I get up from my desk to go to the bathroom and as soon as I'm out of the sight of another human, the floodgates open up. I cry silently in the stall. When the sorrow is so deep and powerful, it physically hurts to try and cry silently. I use up almost a whole roll of toilet paper to blow my nose. Then, I trek back to my desk and struggle through another hour or so, until the gates open again. This is my life. Have you ever the heard the song "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson? Yeah. Interesting song.
Yesterday, the scientific world shared the first real pictures of a black hole. Interestingly enough, it didn't look much different than the pictures of what we assumed it looked like. We had confirmation yesterday that so far, what we have hypothesized about black holes, seems to be ringing true.
A black hole in the middle of space that is sucking everything in it's vicinity into it and nothing escapes, not even light. I see my life as a black hole. I feel like I'm skimming the edges. Any moment now, and I'll be sucked in.
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
Where is the joy?
Some days, it's just too hard to find. Today, I feel so sad that I'm not even bothering to look for it. There are days (like today....most days) when I wonder what the heck is the point of any of this. You're born, you grow up with hopes and dreams. Some dreams come true, at least for a short time, but mostly, those get smashed with reality. Then, it's time to die and for what? Was any of it worth it? Today, the answer for me is, no.
Today, I feel hopeless. It's just that simple. I feel empty. I feel like I have nothing left to give another human being. The life has been sucked out of me.
I just want to sleep. I want to change into my jammies, take an Ativan (panic/anxiety), snuggle under my pillows and blankets....and sleep. For two weeks straight. I don't want to be bothered.
Usually, when I'm in this place (and yes, I've been here before), I push it all down, down, down into the depths of my being....and pretend. I pretend everything is fine. I go to work, chauffer the kids, cook, grocery shop, smile and say all the right things so no one knows how I'm really feeling. It really works too, at least for everyone else. I just become more resentful. I think right now, I am at my maximum resentfulness.
Sigh. I'm just so tired. Tired of always feeling like this. It gets old. It's hard to keep on pretending and I think this is why I decided to write today. Are you ready? Here it is in all it's simplicity....I'm done pretending. No more. I'm done. I don't care what people think, I don't care if the laundry gets done, I don't care if the kids eat cereal for dinner or if no one ever does the dishes. I can no longer be the everything to everyone. I simply no longer care.
One day soon, I will pack my car and start driving. I won't know where I'm going or where I'll end up. I will just be. I will just "be" in such a way that no one will bother me. I will fade into the woodwork, quietly. I will be free.
Today, I feel hopeless. It's just that simple. I feel empty. I feel like I have nothing left to give another human being. The life has been sucked out of me.
I just want to sleep. I want to change into my jammies, take an Ativan (panic/anxiety), snuggle under my pillows and blankets....and sleep. For two weeks straight. I don't want to be bothered.
Usually, when I'm in this place (and yes, I've been here before), I push it all down, down, down into the depths of my being....and pretend. I pretend everything is fine. I go to work, chauffer the kids, cook, grocery shop, smile and say all the right things so no one knows how I'm really feeling. It really works too, at least for everyone else. I just become more resentful. I think right now, I am at my maximum resentfulness.
Sigh. I'm just so tired. Tired of always feeling like this. It gets old. It's hard to keep on pretending and I think this is why I decided to write today. Are you ready? Here it is in all it's simplicity....I'm done pretending. No more. I'm done. I don't care what people think, I don't care if the laundry gets done, I don't care if the kids eat cereal for dinner or if no one ever does the dishes. I can no longer be the everything to everyone. I simply no longer care.
One day soon, I will pack my car and start driving. I won't know where I'm going or where I'll end up. I will just be. I will just "be" in such a way that no one will bother me. I will fade into the woodwork, quietly. I will be free.
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