Escape

I tried to escape this past weekend.  Went to Orlando with 2 of my three kids to attend a special mass down in Orlando where a friend of mine (a Catholic Bishop) was presiding. 

This was one of those things where it "sounded like a good idea at the time".  We were only there for about 36 hours, but it was just enough time to escape my black hole for a brief moment...or so I thought.   For a few hours, I was distracted enough that I could concentrate on trying to let my kids have a good time.  We ended up spending the day at Epcot.  We had fun, but it was a challenging day.  I don't like the heat and I don't like crowds....and to be honest, I am NOT a fan of Disney.  But, the trip allowed me to be somewhat removed from the heaviness that I've been carrying.  The trip was not without it's stresses.  Everything costs an arm and leg at Disney, and there was a problem with the hotel.  But we managed to laugh a little.  An illusion.

On the car ride home, I was reminded what awaited me when I pulled into my driveway at home...the same darkness that I left early Saturday morning.  As my kids slept and I drove, the tears came, again.  I didn't want to go home, yet I didn't want to be where I was either.  It seems that the only time I get real relief is when I sleep.  70 miles an hour on Interstate 95 is not a place to sleep...so, I stayed awake, dreading getting home.

It seems I can't escape it, even though I try.  I just want it to stop.  I don't want to feel like this anymore.  The sorrow wells up inside of me and I feel like I will burst.  I feel like someone has died.  Maybe it's a part of me that has died.  Either way, the only thing I can equate this feeling to is mourning.  Sadness, heaviness...it's all there.  Have you ever seen video of a shark swimming through the water with several sucker fish attached to them.   I feel like this darkness, this sadness is stuck to me like that....following me wherever I go.

If I learned anything this weekend, it's that running away or trying to escape doesn't help.  You can change your scenery, change your company...but the root of the problem remains.  So, right now...today...all I can do is look forward to the next time I can sleep. 

When can I sleep?  Hopefully, soon.