Some days, it's just too hard to find. Today, I feel so sad that I'm not even bothering to look for it. There are days (like today....most days) when I wonder what the heck is the point of any of this. You're born, you grow up with hopes and dreams. Some dreams come true, at least for a short time, but mostly, those get smashed with reality. Then, it's time to die and for what? Was any of it worth it? Today, the answer for me is, no.
Today, I feel hopeless. It's just that simple. I feel empty. I feel like I have nothing left to give another human being. The life has been sucked out of me.
I just want to sleep. I want to change into my jammies, take an Ativan (panic/anxiety), snuggle under my pillows and blankets....and sleep. For two weeks straight. I don't want to be bothered.
Usually, when I'm in this place (and yes, I've been here before), I push it all down, down, down into the depths of my being....and pretend. I pretend everything is fine. I go to work, chauffer the kids, cook, grocery shop, smile and say all the right things so no one knows how I'm really feeling. It really works too, at least for everyone else. I just become more resentful. I think right now, I am at my maximum resentfulness.
Sigh. I'm just so tired. Tired of always feeling like this. It gets old. It's hard to keep on pretending and I think this is why I decided to write today. Are you ready? Here it is in all it's simplicity....I'm done pretending. No more. I'm done. I don't care what people think, I don't care if the laundry gets done, I don't care if the kids eat cereal for dinner or if no one ever does the dishes. I can no longer be the everything to everyone. I simply no longer care.
One day soon, I will pack my car and start driving. I won't know where I'm going or where I'll end up. I will just be. I will just "be" in such a way that no one will bother me. I will fade into the woodwork, quietly. I will be free.
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