Emptiness

I literally have nothing left inside to give.  Do you know how that feels as a mother?  To not have anything left to give to your children...emotionally.  My oldest is about to graduate from high school and move out of the house with his friends.  He excitedly showed me the pictures of the house and which bedroom would mostly likely be his...and I had no emotion whatsoever.  I had to pretend.  I wasn't excited and I wasn't sad.  I just wanted it to be over.  Bring on the graduation, bring on all the stuff that comes with that...so it can be over.  I just want to get through each day, without anyone bugging me, so that I can come home, change my clothes and crawl into bed.  I don't want anyone to ask me for anything.  I don't want anyone to require anything from me. 

I was once told that there is a difference between "being alone" and "being lonely".  I never understood that...until now.  I feel very lonely.  I feel isolated within myself.  If I seek out the company of others, I will no longer "be alone", but the feeling inside doesn't change.  There are other people that live in my house 24/7.  I am never really "alone".  Heck, I can't even go to the bathroom without one of my kids, or the dog needing something.  The thing is, right now, I think this is how it has to be.  I have no desire for anyone else to invade my loneliness.  I just want to live in that place, that isolated, desolate place.

I wish I could feel like I used to.  Normal.  I wish this heaviness would go away.  I would like to breathe easier.  Feel lighter.

I see my regular doctor today.  Been having some chest pain over the last few months.  I've tried to ignore it.  Ignoring is my thing lately.  But, my son seemed concerned when he caught me pacing the living room floor at 2 am night before last.  I was debating about whether or not to drive myself to the emergency room.  He kept wanting me to wake his dad.  He was concerned enough that he mentioned it to one of his buddies, who in turn, asked me how I was feeling.   Not sure the doctor will do anything.  But, I don't want my son to worry.  He's about to start his new life of adulthood and he doesn't need his mother bringing him down.  As I reflect on my own life, this was an exciting time.  He needs to be free of this mother's problems.

Why are the days so long?