Busyness

I've been trying to keep busy.  It seems that if I keep busy, I don't have to think.  If I think, then I feel and if I feel, then the bad thoughts come.  So, it's just better to keep busy.  I mean, I'm a mom to 3 teenagers (one has autism, one is graduating from high school this month, and the other is pretty low key), keeping busy really isn't a problem.  Except when I have no desire to interact with anyone. 

It's funny...as I write this and as I'm reflecting on it....I'm amazed.  No...impressed that I have been able to put on this act for so long.  It's almost automatic.  I go into "pretend" mode.  I can pretend that nothing is wrong...that everything is just fine and that my life is completely normal.  I'm very good at it.  The thing is, it wasn't anything I planned or anything that I thought about.  It just comes naturally.  Not the lying part, but the "stuffing it" part.

You know how when you see someone you haven't seen in a while, you might ask them, "How are you doing?"  Deep down, you don't really want them to tell you how they're doing.  It's just pleasantries.  It's just something you say.  Being polite.  When you ask that question, you hear a lot of "I'm fine" or "I'm doing well"....even though I would guess that 95% of the time, people are not telling the truth. 

I'm almost never telling the truth when asked that question.  Never.

So, if you see me and ask me how I'm doing....and if I say "fine"....just know, I'm not fine.  My world is falling apart.  I'm lying to you.   But, I'm handling it.  I'm keeping myself busy.