I found my tears again. For several weeks, they had dried up. They're back. In full force. Can't seem to stop it today. It's awkward while I'm at work. Feeling very anxious and like my world is crashing in around me. Having health problems too....that are likely anxiety related, but I can't be sure.
Saw an episode of America's Got Talent yesterday where a young autistic man played the piano and sang. I cried watching it...and haven't been able to stop the tears since. Feel like I'm losing it!
Oh, please help me. Please.
Thursday, May 30, 2019
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
There's more?
Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...tada! I was notified yesterday that my 7th grader will be retained in 7th grade for another year. She failed math and civics. That's all. The school counselor called, told me matter of factly...and said goodbye. She never offered any solutions or recommended any way to help. I was stunned and since she called me at work and there were people standing around my desk...I didn't ask any questions. I called my husband and he asked me about summer school. I emailed the counselor and asked. Her response was simple, "No, unfortunately there are no summer school options offered for 7th graders". Not one word more. So, I did what I always do, I panicked. I knew she was going to be close, but her last day of school is the 31st...you would have thought the school would have reached out to me sooner. Sigh. I hate that school. That school is the reason for most of my anxiety these days.
Anyway, I was able to talk to a friend who talked me off the ledge. She is also a guidance counselor at a local high school. She was able to look at my daughter's records and found that she passed the first semester of math, but failed the second. Therefore, she suggested that I enroll her in FVS (Florida Virtual School) for the summer for the 2nd semester math curriculum. If she passes that, she should be promoted. She can take civics as an 8th grader, but will lose one of her elective classes and more than likely, she'll have another "history" class as well. It will only work if the guidance counselor "approves" this plan. To hell with her if she doesn't.
I do not need another thing. I don't. I can't handle any more. Each day, I feel like a part of me dies. Soon, there will be nothing left. What do I do then? It's only a matter of time.
Anyway, I was able to talk to a friend who talked me off the ledge. She is also a guidance counselor at a local high school. She was able to look at my daughter's records and found that she passed the first semester of math, but failed the second. Therefore, she suggested that I enroll her in FVS (Florida Virtual School) for the summer for the 2nd semester math curriculum. If she passes that, she should be promoted. She can take civics as an 8th grader, but will lose one of her elective classes and more than likely, she'll have another "history" class as well. It will only work if the guidance counselor "approves" this plan. To hell with her if she doesn't.
I do not need another thing. I don't. I can't handle any more. Each day, I feel like a part of me dies. Soon, there will be nothing left. What do I do then? It's only a matter of time.
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Keeping it together
I've been doing my best to keep it together. My son graduated from high school last week. It's been very busy. My Goddaughter also graduated, so there was that. And, I had to attend a baby shower for the daughter of one of my best friends. Yes, it's been busy. I've had to dress up, be nice and smile a lot over the last week.
I think it's strange that I had no emotion whatsoever when my son crossed the stage and received his diploma. I didn't even tear up....which makes no sense since all I've done lately is cry. I did feel pride...just like all the other parents there, but there were no tears. Maybe, it just hasn't hit me yet. He's moving out too. Yep, he and two friends are moving into a house that one of the guys mother owns. They went there yesterday to do some cleaning. New carpet is being laid today. It won't be long now before he is all moved out. Again, no emotion.
Maybe it's like a pressure cooker and one of these days soon, it'll blow. I don't know. Still just going through the motions, I guess. I wish I could feel some happiness, some contentment.
The only good news was, I had 4 days off from work (including Memorial Day). It was nice not to have to get up at o dark thirty. But, we had another horrible thing happen in our house (I won't go into the details), but sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just torch the entire house and start over.
I feel a panic attack coming as I type this. Feeling slightly nauseous and like I need to have diarrhea. I'm the only one in the office at the moment...and I can't tell if that's a good or a bad thing.
Amelia finished school last week also. Olivia is the only one still going as her last day isn't until the 31st.
Amelia starts work/camp today...and Olivia starts her gymnastics camp on the 10th. Nathan is going to help me with dropping them off and picking them up. I really need a break.
Nothing new to report....it's the same emptiness, same despair, same brokenness....just a different day.
I think it's strange that I had no emotion whatsoever when my son crossed the stage and received his diploma. I didn't even tear up....which makes no sense since all I've done lately is cry. I did feel pride...just like all the other parents there, but there were no tears. Maybe, it just hasn't hit me yet. He's moving out too. Yep, he and two friends are moving into a house that one of the guys mother owns. They went there yesterday to do some cleaning. New carpet is being laid today. It won't be long now before he is all moved out. Again, no emotion.
Maybe it's like a pressure cooker and one of these days soon, it'll blow. I don't know. Still just going through the motions, I guess. I wish I could feel some happiness, some contentment.
The only good news was, I had 4 days off from work (including Memorial Day). It was nice not to have to get up at o dark thirty. But, we had another horrible thing happen in our house (I won't go into the details), but sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just torch the entire house and start over.
I feel a panic attack coming as I type this. Feeling slightly nauseous and like I need to have diarrhea. I'm the only one in the office at the moment...and I can't tell if that's a good or a bad thing.
Amelia finished school last week also. Olivia is the only one still going as her last day isn't until the 31st.
Amelia starts work/camp today...and Olivia starts her gymnastics camp on the 10th. Nathan is going to help me with dropping them off and picking them up. I really need a break.
Nothing new to report....it's the same emptiness, same despair, same brokenness....just a different day.
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Why?
No one told me this would be so hard. The things that I thought would be easy...aren't. Likewise, the things I figured would be hard, have been the easiest. It's like I'm living in an alternate reality.
Right now, I feel like I'm living in the "Stranger Things" world of the "upside down".
I don't know what to do. I'm 54 years old and I don't have a clue about what to do next....how to handle how I'm feeling...what to let go of and what to hang on to.
Sleep is my only escape.
Right now, I feel like I'm living in the "Stranger Things" world of the "upside down".
I don't know what to do. I'm 54 years old and I don't have a clue about what to do next....how to handle how I'm feeling...what to let go of and what to hang on to.
Sleep is my only escape.
Monday, May 13, 2019
Mother's Day Pity Party
Mother's Day was a bust...at least for me. I never once brought it up to anyone, and never once did anyone say, "Mom, what would you like to do Sunday?" So, this is how it went...
Saturday night, Nathan had to work from 5pm to 2am. I brought him to work and Dan was setting an alarm so he could go pick him up. The girls were either in bed or watching tv. Dan and I were laying in bed watching tv. Actually, if truth be told, I was watching old episodes of The West Wing on Netflix via my phone....but I digress. At about 10:15pm, I heard Dan swear under his breath. He got up and started to get dressed. I asked him where he was going...."Walmart". I asked him why and he said, "because I just have to go".
So, I knew that he had suddenly remembered it was Mother's Day. After he left, I texted him and said that I know why he had to suddenly dash out and that I really don't want any Mother's Day presents....especially since he was bitching about money just a few short hours before. He said he promised to not spend too much (I mean, how much can you really spend at Walmart?). He took Olivia with him.
Fast forward to Sunday morning. I wasn't feeling well. My stomach was very upset and I had to keep running back and forth to the bathroom. At one point, when I got up from the bed, I felt dizzy. I decided that since Nathan didn't get home from work until almost 3am, that he, myself and Olivia would go to the 6pm mass later on. Dan took Amelia with him to the 10.
On the dining room table was a really nice bouquet of flowers (actually, there were 2) in a fancy vase. I guess one was for me and the other for his mom. He bought a very nice card and signed all the kids' names and his own.
Not once during the day did any of my kids say Happy Mother's Day to me. Not one.
When I was taking Nathan to work at 12pm, he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner later. He still has 2 unused gift cards to Maggiano's and he knows I like that place. It was kind of him to ask, but my stomach still wasn't feeling right, so I said maybe we could go one day this week. As it turned out, he came home from work early because he wasn't feeling well either (he was dizzy too). I just assumed he was asking me to dinner because it was Mother's Day...although he never said it.
On top of all that, I made breakfast for everyone Sunday morning...biscuits and sausage gravy as well as scrambled eggs. I cleaned the kitchen, washed and folded 3 loads of laundry and made dinner (baked chicken, steamed broccoli, rice and some sweet potato gnocchi that I bought from Trader Joes.
Olivia posted a Happy Mother's Day note to me on her Instragam after dinner. As I write this, I checked her Instagram...and mine and I don't see the post. So maybe, she just made it for me and didn't post it.
It was a bust. I'm sad. Sadder than usual. I wish just one of them would have said..."No mom, it's Mother's Day...let me fold those clothes for you....let me wash those dishes".
Honestly, I haven't been a very good mother in a long time. I suppose this is payback. They need you when they're little and then, as they grow, you become less and less important in their lives. As the demands got bigger and more complicated, I failed them. It's not a big secret that I suck as a mother. The reality of it stings though.
I feel very unloved. Truly. But I'm not sure why this upsets me. I don't want to be here anymore.
Saturday night, Nathan had to work from 5pm to 2am. I brought him to work and Dan was setting an alarm so he could go pick him up. The girls were either in bed or watching tv. Dan and I were laying in bed watching tv. Actually, if truth be told, I was watching old episodes of The West Wing on Netflix via my phone....but I digress. At about 10:15pm, I heard Dan swear under his breath. He got up and started to get dressed. I asked him where he was going...."Walmart". I asked him why and he said, "because I just have to go".
So, I knew that he had suddenly remembered it was Mother's Day. After he left, I texted him and said that I know why he had to suddenly dash out and that I really don't want any Mother's Day presents....especially since he was bitching about money just a few short hours before. He said he promised to not spend too much (I mean, how much can you really spend at Walmart?). He took Olivia with him.
Fast forward to Sunday morning. I wasn't feeling well. My stomach was very upset and I had to keep running back and forth to the bathroom. At one point, when I got up from the bed, I felt dizzy. I decided that since Nathan didn't get home from work until almost 3am, that he, myself and Olivia would go to the 6pm mass later on. Dan took Amelia with him to the 10.
On the dining room table was a really nice bouquet of flowers (actually, there were 2) in a fancy vase. I guess one was for me and the other for his mom. He bought a very nice card and signed all the kids' names and his own.
Not once during the day did any of my kids say Happy Mother's Day to me. Not one.
When I was taking Nathan to work at 12pm, he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner later. He still has 2 unused gift cards to Maggiano's and he knows I like that place. It was kind of him to ask, but my stomach still wasn't feeling right, so I said maybe we could go one day this week. As it turned out, he came home from work early because he wasn't feeling well either (he was dizzy too). I just assumed he was asking me to dinner because it was Mother's Day...although he never said it.
On top of all that, I made breakfast for everyone Sunday morning...biscuits and sausage gravy as well as scrambled eggs. I cleaned the kitchen, washed and folded 3 loads of laundry and made dinner (baked chicken, steamed broccoli, rice and some sweet potato gnocchi that I bought from Trader Joes.
Olivia posted a Happy Mother's Day note to me on her Instragam after dinner. As I write this, I checked her Instagram...and mine and I don't see the post. So maybe, she just made it for me and didn't post it.
It was a bust. I'm sad. Sadder than usual. I wish just one of them would have said..."No mom, it's Mother's Day...let me fold those clothes for you....let me wash those dishes".
Honestly, I haven't been a very good mother in a long time. I suppose this is payback. They need you when they're little and then, as they grow, you become less and less important in their lives. As the demands got bigger and more complicated, I failed them. It's not a big secret that I suck as a mother. The reality of it stings though.
I feel very unloved. Truly. But I'm not sure why this upsets me. I don't want to be here anymore.
Monday, May 6, 2019
May the 4th be with you.
Saturday was the 4th anniversary of my little sister's death. It's weird, that seems so long ago, yet I feel like I just saw her. My sister and I had a love/hate relationship. We got along much better when we lived several states apart and only had the phone to communicate. She was bed bound for the last 4 or so years of her life. She struggled. She suffered.
I miss her. I so much wish that I had her to talk to, especially during this particular time in my life when my world is so dark that I can't even see my hand in front of me. There is so much I would change about our relationship. I would be more understanding of her addiction. I would not be so judgmental. I would ask her for advice. I would let her know that she mattered to me. I would tell her that I loved her.
She died on May 4th. All those Star Wars fans love this day. I remember it as a sad day. Collaboratively, her boyfriend (of more than 20 years), her daughter and I had to make the decision to remove life support. I waited with them (over the phone) until she took her last breath.
Since then, I've been an orphan. My dad died when I was 17 and my mom died in 2006. And, my sister in 2015. Sometimes, I wonder why I am left here. I'll never figure that one out. I know they are waiting for me. We will be a family again some day...and maybe not so dysfunctional.
I miss her. I so much wish that I had her to talk to, especially during this particular time in my life when my world is so dark that I can't even see my hand in front of me. There is so much I would change about our relationship. I would be more understanding of her addiction. I would not be so judgmental. I would ask her for advice. I would let her know that she mattered to me. I would tell her that I loved her.
She died on May 4th. All those Star Wars fans love this day. I remember it as a sad day. Collaboratively, her boyfriend (of more than 20 years), her daughter and I had to make the decision to remove life support. I waited with them (over the phone) until she took her last breath.
Since then, I've been an orphan. My dad died when I was 17 and my mom died in 2006. And, my sister in 2015. Sometimes, I wonder why I am left here. I'll never figure that one out. I know they are waiting for me. We will be a family again some day...and maybe not so dysfunctional.
Thursday, May 2, 2019
Busyness
I've been trying to keep busy. It seems that if I keep busy, I don't have to think. If I think, then I feel and if I feel, then the bad thoughts come. So, it's just better to keep busy. I mean, I'm a mom to 3 teenagers (one has autism, one is graduating from high school this month, and the other is pretty low key), keeping busy really isn't a problem. Except when I have no desire to interact with anyone.
It's funny...as I write this and as I'm reflecting on it....I'm amazed. No...impressed that I have been able to put on this act for so long. It's almost automatic. I go into "pretend" mode. I can pretend that nothing is wrong...that everything is just fine and that my life is completely normal. I'm very good at it. The thing is, it wasn't anything I planned or anything that I thought about. It just comes naturally. Not the lying part, but the "stuffing it" part.
You know how when you see someone you haven't seen in a while, you might ask them, "How are you doing?" Deep down, you don't really want them to tell you how they're doing. It's just pleasantries. It's just something you say. Being polite. When you ask that question, you hear a lot of "I'm fine" or "I'm doing well"....even though I would guess that 95% of the time, people are not telling the truth.
I'm almost never telling the truth when asked that question. Never.
So, if you see me and ask me how I'm doing....and if I say "fine"....just know, I'm not fine. My world is falling apart. I'm lying to you. But, I'm handling it. I'm keeping myself busy.
It's funny...as I write this and as I'm reflecting on it....I'm amazed. No...impressed that I have been able to put on this act for so long. It's almost automatic. I go into "pretend" mode. I can pretend that nothing is wrong...that everything is just fine and that my life is completely normal. I'm very good at it. The thing is, it wasn't anything I planned or anything that I thought about. It just comes naturally. Not the lying part, but the "stuffing it" part.
You know how when you see someone you haven't seen in a while, you might ask them, "How are you doing?" Deep down, you don't really want them to tell you how they're doing. It's just pleasantries. It's just something you say. Being polite. When you ask that question, you hear a lot of "I'm fine" or "I'm doing well"....even though I would guess that 95% of the time, people are not telling the truth.
I'm almost never telling the truth when asked that question. Never.
So, if you see me and ask me how I'm doing....and if I say "fine"....just know, I'm not fine. My world is falling apart. I'm lying to you. But, I'm handling it. I'm keeping myself busy.
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