May the 4th be with you.

Saturday was the 4th anniversary of my little sister's death.  It's weird, that seems so long ago, yet I feel like I just saw her.  My sister and I had a love/hate relationship.  We got along much better when we lived several states apart and only had the phone to communicate.  She was bed bound for the last 4 or so years of her life.  She struggled.  She suffered. 

I miss her.  I so much wish that I had her to talk to, especially during this particular time in my life when my world is so dark that I can't even see my hand in front of me.  There is so much I would change about our relationship.  I would be more understanding of her addiction.  I would not be so judgmental.  I would ask her for advice.  I would let her know that she mattered to me.  I would tell her that I loved her.

She died on May 4th.  All those Star Wars fans love this day.  I remember it as a sad day.  Collaboratively, her boyfriend (of more than 20 years), her daughter and I had to make the decision to remove life support.  I waited with them (over the phone) until she took her last breath.

Since then, I've been an orphan.  My dad died when I was 17 and my mom died in 2006.  And, my sister in 2015.  Sometimes, I wonder why I am left here.  I'll never figure that one out.   I know they are waiting for me.  We will be a family again some day...and maybe not so dysfunctional.