I guess the biggest difference from a few months ago is that I don't cry as much. I really went through a spell of intense sadness when all I could do was cry...when all I wanted to do was cry. Although the tears have stopped, the intense sadness has not gone away. I believe this will be with me forever. The sadness includes deep regret, mostly for things left unsaid and undone. Some of the sadness comes from fear. I think the fear comes from isolation. I'm afraid because I really don't know who I am. I have lived for 54 years so far. I have a husband, 3 children, family and friends. Still, I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm miserable most of the time and it appears that I bring others misery too. I really don't know who I am.
Whatever is going on with me, it's going on deep inside. Very deep. Someone recently asked me if they think I'm having a "midlife crisis". That kind of made me chuckle. No, I really don't feel as though it's a crisis. A crisis to me indicates something temporary. Something that exists for a season and can be changed simply by changing circumstances or surroundings. This kind of "fix" will not change what is going on inside of me. Some would say, "only God can fix this". Maybe. The thing is, He and I have been having conversations about this for quite some time. I see no light at the end of my tunnel. Perhaps, this is the inner turmoil that He is allowing me to have for a purpose. I think of Mother Teresa:
"In my heart, there is no faith. I want God with all the powers of my soul, and yet between us there is terrible separation."
I feel separated from everything and everyone, including God. Especially God.
I was cleared by cardiology. This means that the terrible chest and jaw pain is not my heart. I have been cleared by gastroenterology. This means that although I have severe GERD, it has not caused esophageal cancer...yet. She did find a hiatal hernia which could be causing some of the pain, but it is a small one so they are going to leave it alone. I haven't been to the oncologist yet to find out what's causing my hip pain. I think I'm too scared. With all the other things going on in my life right now, I do NOT need another bout with cancer. I just don't.
So, I plow through each day. I get up, get dressed, go through all the motions I need to go through. I smile and I nod. I laugh at appropriate times, look sad and concerned at appropriate times, do everything I'm supposed to do and I do it all with the utmost emptiness and sadness.
Maybe one day, I'll figure this out.
