Mother's Day was a bust...at least for me. I never once brought it up to anyone, and never once did anyone say, "Mom, what would you like to do Sunday?" So, this is how it went...
Saturday night, Nathan had to work from 5pm to 2am. I brought him to work and Dan was setting an alarm so he could go pick him up. The girls were either in bed or watching tv. Dan and I were laying in bed watching tv. Actually, if truth be told, I was watching old episodes of The West Wing on Netflix via my phone....but I digress. At about 10:15pm, I heard Dan swear under his breath. He got up and started to get dressed. I asked him where he was going...."Walmart". I asked him why and he said, "because I just have to go".
So, I knew that he had suddenly remembered it was Mother's Day. After he left, I texted him and said that I know why he had to suddenly dash out and that I really don't want any Mother's Day presents....especially since he was bitching about money just a few short hours before. He said he promised to not spend too much (I mean, how much can you really spend at Walmart?). He took Olivia with him.
Fast forward to Sunday morning. I wasn't feeling well. My stomach was very upset and I had to keep running back and forth to the bathroom. At one point, when I got up from the bed, I felt dizzy. I decided that since Nathan didn't get home from work until almost 3am, that he, myself and Olivia would go to the 6pm mass later on. Dan took Amelia with him to the 10.
On the dining room table was a really nice bouquet of flowers (actually, there were 2) in a fancy vase. I guess one was for me and the other for his mom. He bought a very nice card and signed all the kids' names and his own.
Not once during the day did any of my kids say Happy Mother's Day to me. Not one.
When I was taking Nathan to work at 12pm, he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner later. He still has 2 unused gift cards to Maggiano's and he knows I like that place. It was kind of him to ask, but my stomach still wasn't feeling right, so I said maybe we could go one day this week. As it turned out, he came home from work early because he wasn't feeling well either (he was dizzy too). I just assumed he was asking me to dinner because it was Mother's Day...although he never said it.
On top of all that, I made breakfast for everyone Sunday morning...biscuits and sausage gravy as well as scrambled eggs. I cleaned the kitchen, washed and folded 3 loads of laundry and made dinner (baked chicken, steamed broccoli, rice and some sweet potato gnocchi that I bought from Trader Joes.
Olivia posted a Happy Mother's Day note to me on her Instragam after dinner. As I write this, I checked her Instagram...and mine and I don't see the post. So maybe, she just made it for me and didn't post it.
It was a bust. I'm sad. Sadder than usual. I wish just one of them would have said..."No mom, it's Mother's Day...let me fold those clothes for you....let me wash those dishes".
Honestly, I haven't been a very good mother in a long time. I suppose this is payback. They need you when they're little and then, as they grow, you become less and less important in their lives. As the demands got bigger and more complicated, I failed them. It's not a big secret that I suck as a mother. The reality of it stings though.
I feel very unloved. Truly. But I'm not sure why this upsets me. I don't want to be here anymore.
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