Release

I didn't cry as much yesterday.  I managed to hold it in for most of the day.  It was busy at work and I had to take part in a peer interview which meant I had to prepare and concentrate.  I guess, in some ways, it was a relief to not focus inwardly so much.  I was forced to focus on someone/something other than myself.  Maybe that's part of my problem, however as I have  mentioned before, I don't care much about what I should be doing or what other people think should be my focus.  I'm done trying to comply and conform.  Is this selfish?  Yes.  Do I care what you think about that?  No.

While I managed to stifle the tears most of the day, there were moments when the sorrow I feel inside was overwhelming.  It overcomes me like a wave.  It can't be stopped.  It just is.  I'm really not sure how a human being can handle this much sadness, this much sorrow, this much disappointment.  I now understand how it is that people get to the point where they can't take it one more minute.  It consumes you.

I wish there was a pill I could take that would instantly make this better.  There isn't one.  Oh, I've been on medication many times in my life for depression and anxiety.  Sometimes they work, but only for awhile.  Sometimes they don't work at all.  In the end, I'm left with the reality of who I am.

Still, I have to function.  I have to get up each morning, get dressed, get to work, pick up the kids, get home....and then collapse.  The effort involved in just moving through my day is shocking, even for me.  I feel as though I've run a marathon. I ache all over and I just want to be left alone.  I don't want to have to talk or interact with anyone.  The kids used to not understand this.  Now, they do.  For the most part, they ignore me too, only coming to me when it's absolutely necessary.  Sometimes, I try to interact with them like a mother should.  Mostly, I fail at that too.  I realize that I'm a lousy mother and believe me, this brings me down even further.  If there is anything left that I do care about, it is this.

Sometimes I wonder if me being gone would be better for them.  They could move on with their lives and eventually, their memory of me and my lousiness would fade.  Perhaps at some point, they would be able to remember the good times and not the bad. 

Today, I just wish I could sleep.  But, I have to go through the motions.  I have another peer interview today (we are trying to hire a manager).  Then, we're supposed to take a trip as a family this weekend.  Part of me is dreading it.  Part of me thinks that maybe, even for a short time, I can pretend things are fine...and maybe they will be, until we come home.  Then reality hits me in the face again and I'm back to square one. 

I just want to go to sleep.