Sleep

Sleep is my friend.  It truly is the only time I feel like I am free from this turmoil.  As soon as I get home from work (or picking up the kids), I immediately change into something to sleep in and crawl into bed.  Last night, Amelia asked me "Mom, what's for dinner"?  Sadly, my answer was something like, "I don't care, have whatever you want".  So, she did.  Cereal.  I think Nathan walked up to Subway and Olivia ate chips and salsa (which is her preferred meal anyway).  It won't kill any of them.  I think that at some point later, I made some ramen for myself.  I couldn't eat it all so Olivia ate what she could and the dog got the rest.

No, I'm not proud of my behavior but, I feel like I'm holding on with threads at the moment and I'm doing what I have to in order to survive.  You couldn't make dinner in that kitchen right now anyway.  It's a mess.  There are dishes piled high in the sink.  Not a clean piece of silverware anywhere to be found.  Each of my children have two working hands.  There is no reason why they can't do a dish and clean up after themselves.  No, they expect me to do it. Guess what?  I'm not. 

What I really needed last night was for one of them....just one, to say that they would make dinner, that they would clean up.  They know that things aren't right with me.  They see it, they feel it.  They are very selective about when they want to be helpful.  There always has to be something in it for them.  I suppose, if you want to get down to brass tacks, this is my fault too.  Isn't everything the moms fault?

I vacillate between feeling guilty and not caring.  I just don't have the strength to fix this.  Whatever "this" is. 

I can't seem to stop crying.  Just when I think the waterworks are done, here they come again.  The entire office thinks I have a cold.  I get up from my desk to go to the bathroom and as soon as I'm out of the sight of another human, the floodgates open up.  I cry silently in the stall.  When the sorrow is so deep and powerful, it physically hurts to try and cry silently.  I use up almost a whole roll of toilet paper to blow my nose.  Then, I trek back to my desk and struggle through another hour or so, until the gates open again.  This is my life.  Have you ever the heard the song "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson?  Yeah.  Interesting song.

Yesterday, the scientific world shared the first real pictures of a black hole.  Interestingly enough, it didn't look much different than the pictures of what we assumed it looked like.  We had confirmation yesterday that so far, what we have hypothesized about black holes, seems to be ringing true. 
A black hole in the middle of space that is sucking everything in it's vicinity into it and nothing escapes, not even light.  I see my life as a black hole.  I feel like I'm skimming the edges.  Any moment now, and I'll be sucked in.