Can't Seem to Get it Together

 When I used to write in this blog often, I felt better.  I suppose it was therapy for me.  My stats tell me that no one really reads my words, so in a way, it just felt like talk therapy for myself.  Then I realized, I have no desire to hear my own problems. I'm living them.  It just reminds me how flawed I am.  

I'm having trouble aging.  There are a ton of physical issues that happen as you age.  Lots of "not so nice" things...vision loss, hearing loss, general fatigue, loss of interest in some things, achy joints, wrinkled skin...the list goes on.  Earlier this year, on my birthday, someone from work asked me how old I was.  My answer....I'm 'everything hurts' years old!  That pretty much sums it up.  But, my issue is deeper than the number.  I just can't believe how fast time has gone.  I am almost at retirement age.  How the heck did that happen?  Most of my life has been lived already.  But there is still so much I wanted to do.  

As I reflect back on the life I've lived...it's been awesome.  It really has.  I had such a wonderful upbringing.  Family is the word I would use to sum up my childhood.  Growing up in an Italian/Catholic environment meant that everything was family oriented.  Births, deaths, Baptisms, First Holy Communions, Confirmations, weddings, funerals...all required celebrations.  Of course, it all centered around food and the dining table.  This is something I have not been able to replicate in my own family.  I can remember all the adults sitting around a kitchen or dining room table eating wonderfully home made Italian food, drinking home made wine, talking, laughing, crying and hugging, all the while the kids played on the floor or outside.  It was an incredible time.  Sadly, when my father died at the ripe old age of 47, much of that ended.  It's true that there is usually one person that is the glue that keeps the family together.  When he was gone, no one took up the reins.  

My elementary and high school years were tremendous.  When I look back on that time, I can't think of anything that was not enjoyable (except of course, my dad's death).  I have been given the gift of an awesome adolescence.  My young adult life was just as terrific.  I mean, there was heartbreak and definitely some things I would undo if I could, but generally, no complaints.  As my role changed from single to married with children, my eyes were opened a bit to the realities of a changing world and doing the best you can to protect your children from the craziness. Add a dash of breast cancer to the mix and you find yourself wobbling a bit.  But as I sit here today, there is not a single thing that I would say made my life unenjoyable. It has been a wonderful ride.  So why am I so melancholy these last few months?  I honestly don't know.  I guess I'm just realizing that I'm on the home stretch.  I have lived more years than I have left.  Time has flown by and while I have had a wonderfully rich and full life, I've missed some things.  Some things I've always wanted to do, or see....and I'm running out of time.  

Soon, my body will not allow me to do some of the things I've always wanted to do.  I've waited too long to create a bucket list.  Sure, my priorities changed when I had kids.  They became my focus.  Well guess what, they're all adults now and mostly self sufficient.  They don't require all of me anymore.  Now is the time I can start to focus on myself a bit.  My excuse in the past has always been..."the kids"...."money (or lack there of)"...."time".  I feel like I've waited too long.

My concern these days consists of making sure I know the passwords for banking, bill paying and living expenses.  Making sure the kids know where our valuables are stashed and what things have been handed down that might not be important to them now, but will be as they get older.  Making sure that my end of life wishes are known and trying to get a grip on the fact that we have no funeral arrangements already made or paid for.  This is the kind of thing that gets in the way of living.

I guess you could call this my mid life crisis...only I'm way beyond mid life at this point.  Sigh.  I'm just in a really weird place at the moment, and I don't like it. 

Time and Love

 Time is going by faster than I ever thought it would...or could.  I turned 58 this past January.  I'm not even sure how to deal with this fact.  I remember when I turned 25, I had a bit of trouble handling that age.  I guess I felt as though by 25, I should be married and have a couple of kids already.  Turns out, I didn't get married till I was 32 and didn't have my first baby until I was 35.   When we are young, we expect our lives to turn out the way we always imagined.  Reality is usually quite a bit different. And time does indeed march on at an alarming speed.

I can recall being a child, listening to my parents lecture me about not "wishing my life away" or hearing them tell me that I'm growing up too fast and that before I know it, I'll be an adult with grandkids.  Back then, it seemed so far away.  But, alas, as usual my parents were right....about almost everything.  It seems like just yesterday I was graduating from high school!  HA!  It's been 40 years now!  It seems like yesterday when my first child was born.  Nope.  He will be 23 this year.  When my youngest turns 18 in October, I will no longer have "kids"...they'll all be adults.  Sigh.

I'm feeling my age now, physically.  Everything hurts when I first get up in the morning.  It doesn't help that I'm overweight and not as active as I used to be.  Between cancer and Covid, my life has been turned upside down...and sideways.  I'm handling all of it as best as I can.  There are many glitches that happen over a normal human life span.  I've had my fair share.  But, I'm still here.  My mom and dad are gone, so is my sister.  I can't fathom why I've been allowed to stay.  But, the older I get, the more I ponder about life, relationships and time.  

There is a movie that came out in 2014 called, Interstellar.  I think this has to be the best movie I've ever seen in my entire life!  No kidding.  It's deep and it took me watching it several times before I really understood what it was about.  When I finally "got it", it changed me life.  In general, the plot is about saving human kind, and in order to do that, they must find another planet.  This entails traveling through a wormhole to another galaxy and they end up orbiting a black hole.  Through out the movie, you here a ticking clock.  This is because of time dilation.  Due to the gravitation pull of the black hole, for every hour that passes while they orbit, 7 years pass on earth.  At one point, the astronauts are discussing this and one of the characters, Dr. Amelia Brand (played by Anne Hathaway) talks about a love interest of hers that had previously gone to one these planets that she hadn't seen in a long time and was presumed dead.  This is the conversations that happened between Dr. Brand and Cooper (played by Matthew McConaughey):

Cooper: You’re a scientist, Brand.

Brand: So listen to me when I say that love isn’t something that we invented. It’s… observable, powerful. It has to mean something.

Cooper: Love has meaning, yes. Social utility, social bonding, child rearing…

Brand: We love people who have died. Where’s the social utility in that?

Cooper: None.

Brand: Maybe it means something more – something we can’t yet understand. Maybe it’s some evidence, some artifact of a higher dimension that we can’t consciously perceive. I’m drawn across the universe to someone I haven’t seen in a decade, who I know is probably dead. Love is the one thing we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space. Maybe we should trust that, even if we can’t understand it. All right Cooper. Yes. The tiniest possibility of seeing Wolf again excites me. That doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

I think this quote really gets to the heart of the plot.  When they are talking about their plan and how to execute it, I realized that their mission of saving the world or building a new one...is all about love.  When Brand says, "Maybe it means something more - something we can't yet understand"...there is a universal feeling of wanting to understanding it.  Love is complicated and unique to everyone but we all struggle to cope with it, realizing  that there is so much more we don't understand.  Love drives us, it influences decisions, it moves us along or holds us back, even if we don't understand it.  

To me, this just means that time doesn't really matter all that much. Love does. I can be old or young, I can be in good health or failing health, I can be happy or sad, I can watch my kids be born and grow up and and at the same time, watch family and friends leave this world due to sickness or accidents....or just because it's time for this earthly life to end.  Love is what matters.  And, you take that love with you wherever we go, however long we are here.  Love never ends.  Love transcends space and time.  If you love now, you will always love.  Our bodies are bound by time, our love is not.

Getting older can sometimes make me uneasy about the future and what it looks like for me.  But the love I have for others, for my kids, my husband, my family and my dear friends will travel through time, forever.  It is comforting to me to know that I will take those I love with me and my love, in turn, will be with them always.  

Life Advice

 So, a creator on Instagram (@SahilBloom) asked a question of several 90-year-olds on what advice they would give their 32-year-old selves.  Since I turn 58 tomorrow, I was curious what their answers would be.  Here are their answers:

1. Now and then, break out the fancy china and drink the good wine for no reason at all.

2. Dance at weddings until your feet are sore.

3. Tell your partner you love them every night before falling asleep.  Someday you'll find the other side of the bed empty and wish you could.

4. Don't fear sadness, as it tends to sit right next to love.

5. Treat your body like a house you have to live in for another 70 years.

6. Never raise your voice, except for at a ballgame.

7. Do one good deed every single day, but never tell anyone about it.

8. Time doesn't heal anything when it comes to relationships.  Don't delay difficult conversations.

9. Find the things that make your eyes light up.  Do more of those.

10. Always remind yourself that your track record for making it through your bad days is perfect.

11. If something has a minor issue, repair it.  Minor issues become major issues over time.  Applies equally to love, friendships, health and home.

12. The most damning lie you can tell is the lie you tell to yourself.

13. No one has ever argued their way to happiness.

14. If you're going to lose a fight, make sure the other person thinks twice before fighting you again.

15. Getting old is no picnic, but it's much better than the alternative.

16. You may occasionally disappoint others, but make sure you never disappoint yourself.

17. Never let a good friendship atrophy.  Send the text, make the call, plan the trip.  Good friendships must be treasured.

18. When you meet someone, look them in the eye, give a firm handshake, and call them by their name.

19. Give everybody a second chance, but never a third.

20. The "good old days" are always happening right now.

21. Whenever you hug someone, make sure they are the one to let go first.

22. If it's raining on a warm summer evening, go outside and dance in it.

23. Taking no risk is the biggest risk you can take.  Regret from inaction is always more painful than regret from action.

24. It doesn't have to be perfect for it to be wonderful.

25. When in doubt, love.  We can always use more love.

26. Looking presentable is a matter of self-respect.

27. When you're feeling down, smile at yourself in the mirror for one full minute.

28. Travel as much as you can.  Collect one token from every trip to remember it by.

29. If there's something bothering you, ask yourself whether it will matter in one month.  If not, let it go right now.

30. Stop trying to change people who don't want to be changed.

31. You may win the argument, but if you lose the friend, what was the point?

32. Stubborn pride is the downfall of many men and women.  Learn to forget the slight hurts and avoid grudges.

33. Do one thing that challenges your mind every single day.  A crossword puzzle, math problem, anything.  Daily "exercise" will keep your mind sharp for the long haul.

34. If something isn't working and your gut tells you to try harder, first ask whether there's just an easier way to do it.

35. Allow your kids to fail.  You will hate it, but it's so important.

36. There's nothing wrong with shedding old relationships as you grow and change.

37. No amount of money is worth trading for your peace of mind.

38. If your kid wants to dance in line at the store, join them.

39. Smile and say good morning to strangers on the street.

40. Laugh loudly and unapologetically whenever you feel like it.

Interesting list.  At 58, my list would be a bit different, but there are definitely some nuggets of wisdom here.  I feel like #17 and #36 are a bit contradictory, but I do get the point being made in both.

I think my favorite is #20, "the good old days are always happening right now".  That's so true.  What my children will see as their good old days are completely different than what I see as mine.  But time marches on, regardless.  There is an order to everything.  We are born, we live and we die.  Always.  No one gets out of here alive.  Many have gone before us and all will follow.  In a strange way, that's comforting. 

P.S.  Sadness and love really do sit right next to each other (see #4).

Welcome 2023!

 I must say, 2022 went by very quick.  Quicker than I would have liked.  It is said that the older you get, the faster time goes.  I can attest to the fact that this is true.  I remember as a kid, wishing I was older so I could do this or that.  My parents would say, "Don't wish your life away".  But, I thought my life would be happier, more fulfilling when I was "older".  If I had known then, what I know now, I would have savored every single day of no responsibility....no worry about making sure bills are paid or how much gas or eggs cost.  Those were the days.

Recently, I put a little color in my hair.  When my hair grew back after chemotherapy, it came in grey.  I don't hate grey hair, but I was just tired of looking at it.  I wanted something different.  So, I went to a real salon and had some light color...just a very light brown with a bit of purple added to it.  You can't really tell there is purple, but it just highlighted the grey.  In the sun, you can still see the grey.  I love it.  But, my husband asked me if I was having a mid life crisis.  I had to laugh.  I'm about to turn 58 in 11 days.  I've got news for him....I am way past mid life.  I'm over the hill and down the road a bit.  I mean, how long does he think I'm going to live?  

I tell you all of this just to let you know what my goals are for this year.  My goal is simply to live each day as it comes.  To do my best to see a little good in every day.  To not be so quick to judge people or circumstances, but to let things play out.  To take better care of myself.  To put me first often.  To do the things that make me happy.  I've seen all over social media that people are choosing a "word" for the year.  I've chosen the word BREATHE.  I'm going to concentrate on taking slow, deep breaths several times a day.  I'm going to take a breath before I speak.  I'm going to try to not be so impulsive...with my thoughts and definitely with my mouth.  I'm going to spend more time outside, walking and enjoying nature (such that it is in Florida in the middle of summer).  And, I'm going to try and laugh more...at myself and at life in general.  

As I type all of that, it seems like a lot.  I tried to have a small goal so that it would be easier to attain.  We shall see. I hope, if you're reading this, that you have some goals of your own for this new year.  My advice to you is to try and do something that makes you happy each day.  It shouldn't matter if your single, married, divorced, separated or widowed, a parent or childless.   Do something for yourself every day.  You can not give fully to others if you are depleted.  

So take a deep breath and enter 2023 with the energy and anticipation of that child you used to be all those years ago.  

Happy New Year!

This Space

 It seems that I have a love/hate relationship with this space.   Writing here has always been a place of refuge for me.  A place where I could bare my soul knowing full well that no one will care or even read my words.  A place where I could talk about all the things wrong in the world and all the things wrong with me.  A place where I don't have to pretend to have all the answers.  More simply, a place where I can admit that I don't have a clue about what I'm doing...in any area of my life.

At different times in my life, I have suffered with depression, anxiety, insecurities, and low self-esteem.  But haven't we all?  I mean, these conditions are not exclusive to me or my life.  For me, part of my therapy over the years has been to write about it.  I do pretty well for awhile, and then, I get discouraged.  I guess because it's difficult on some days to live this life, let alone write about it and God forbid, have to read my own words.  

Recently, I received word that my long time therapist will be retiring in February.  I've been seeing him regularly since 2008 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  He has seen me through several surgeries and several rounds of chemotherapy.  He's held my hand through Cat Scans, PET Scans, MRI Scans, tumor marker lab work and annual mammograms for my "uni-boob".  He understood the survivor's guilt that I have felt over the years when attending the funerals of dear friends who fought breast cancer just as hard as I have, but they had a different outcome.  He understood the scanxiety.  You see, even though it has been 14 years since I was first diagnosed, he understood that I live every single day anticipating its return.  Some days, I'm able to overlook those fears and some days, I'm not able to.  He's more than a therapist, I consider him a friend and a colleague.  I have one more appointment scheduled with him before his retirement.  And then, I'm on my own.  It will be strange but he more than deserves the rest and relaxation that we all hope for with retirement.  I wish him well.

I will now have to decide if I want to establish contact with a new therapist, or, give it a go on my own. As it stands at the moment, I'm thinking that I will run solo for a bit and see how things go.  If, at some point, I feel as though I'm fumbling too much, then I will reach out for help.  In the meantime, I suppose I will use this space as way to gather my thoughts and work things out.  I have absolutely no idea how this will go.  I've always said that life is a crap shoot.  Let's gamble.

Simply put, this has been a weird year, Part One!

 One year ago today, was the last day I worked in my office.  Since then, I've been working from home.  There have been a couple of days I have had to go in for various reasons, but I can count those on one hand.  If I had known then, what this past year had in store for me....I would not have believed it.

I would consider myself a social person.  By that I mean, I'm good at it.  I'm good at being social.  I feel as though I can interact with people and for the most part, I think people enjoy being around me.  I usually manage to say the right thing at the right time and avoid looking like an idiot.  Although, maybe I should take a poll, just to be sure.  In many ways, it is an act.  I do what I do.  I do what is required. I move on autopilot, the way of least resistance. But, deep down, way down, there is a darkness within me that cries out for solitude.  This year forced my hand.  I was forced to pull away from the distractions of my life. I was forced to face my fear and anxiety head on.  Basically, I was forced to swim. 

Because of the type of job my husband has, he was not able to work from home, so he continued to work everyday.  My youngest daughter was already homeschooling before the pandemic.  My middle daughter is autistic and goes to a Special Ed school.  I can't remember exactly when they sent her home, but she ended the school year doing Zoom classes.   

The good part about working from home was that I didn't even have to get dressed!  My wardrobe consisted of day time pajamas and night time pajamas!  I didn't even have to brush my teeth or my hair...no one would know!  We had all our groceries delivered and rarely went out at all.  If we did decide we wanted fast food, it was always the drive-thru or Uber Eats.  We came awfully close, one time, to having NO TOILET PAPER in the house of 4 people...3 of us being girls!  It was a learning curve, for sure.

By the time summer came, I was tired of being locked down with my family.  I was willing to trade families for a month or so, but I had no takers!  Then, when school started up again...things got dicey.  The numbers showed things were getting better but the predictions were that there would be a surge of new cases around the holidays.  We were doing our part.  We weren't going anywhere or doing anything.  We were watching Mass on YouTube and our Netflix account was working overtime.  The only time I went out was to bring my daughter to school.  She was armed with hand sanitizer and masks.  Everyday, faithfully, I would drop her off fully protected.  They had a staff member standing outside taking temperatures before anyone could walk into the building.  Every afternoon, she would come out of the building masked up (and sometimes she also was wearing a face shield).

In early September (it was September 1st, to be exact), I got an email from Amelia's school saying that they had a COVID positive staff member.  They were informing us as a "courtesy", but they said  this staff member had little to no contact with any of the kids.  The email didn't indicate we should keep the kids at home, so, I kept sending her into school.  I trusted them to tell the truth and if this positive staff member wasn't even in the same part of the building as the classrooms, then I had no reason to fear exposure.  

Boy was I wrong.....

Let's Start Again

 It's been awhile.  I know.  A lot has happened since I last wrote in this space.  The world has changed in ways I'd never imagined.  A year into the pandemic and things are still weird.  I have never experienced anything like this in my life.  I dare to say we are on the back side of this, but, what do I know?  There are few things I'm sure of anymore.  Without a doubt, I am NOT the same person I was a year ago.  Not even close.

I will be visiting these pages again...regularly....if I can figure out where to start.  I need a place to speak my mind again.  I need a place where I can be honest...mostly about my fears.  Today, if I could change anything about my life, I would go back to January 1, 2020 and I would change only one thing...my attitude.  

What would you change?