Sleep

Sleep is my friend.  It truly is the only time I feel like I am free from this turmoil.  As soon as I get home from work (or picking up the kids), I immediately change into something to sleep in and crawl into bed.  Last night, Amelia asked me "Mom, what's for dinner"?  Sadly, my answer was something like, "I don't care, have whatever you want".  So, she did.  Cereal.  I think Nathan walked up to Subway and Olivia ate chips and salsa (which is her preferred meal anyway).  It won't kill any of them.  I think that at some point later, I made some ramen for myself.  I couldn't eat it all so Olivia ate what she could and the dog got the rest.

No, I'm not proud of my behavior but, I feel like I'm holding on with threads at the moment and I'm doing what I have to in order to survive.  You couldn't make dinner in that kitchen right now anyway.  It's a mess.  There are dishes piled high in the sink.  Not a clean piece of silverware anywhere to be found.  Each of my children have two working hands.  There is no reason why they can't do a dish and clean up after themselves.  No, they expect me to do it. Guess what?  I'm not. 

What I really needed last night was for one of them....just one, to say that they would make dinner, that they would clean up.  They know that things aren't right with me.  They see it, they feel it.  They are very selective about when they want to be helpful.  There always has to be something in it for them.  I suppose, if you want to get down to brass tacks, this is my fault too.  Isn't everything the moms fault?

I vacillate between feeling guilty and not caring.  I just don't have the strength to fix this.  Whatever "this" is. 

I can't seem to stop crying.  Just when I think the waterworks are done, here they come again.  The entire office thinks I have a cold.  I get up from my desk to go to the bathroom and as soon as I'm out of the sight of another human, the floodgates open up.  I cry silently in the stall.  When the sorrow is so deep and powerful, it physically hurts to try and cry silently.  I use up almost a whole roll of toilet paper to blow my nose.  Then, I trek back to my desk and struggle through another hour or so, until the gates open again.  This is my life.  Have you ever the heard the song "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson?  Yeah.  Interesting song.

Yesterday, the scientific world shared the first real pictures of a black hole.  Interestingly enough, it didn't look much different than the pictures of what we assumed it looked like.  We had confirmation yesterday that so far, what we have hypothesized about black holes, seems to be ringing true. 
A black hole in the middle of space that is sucking everything in it's vicinity into it and nothing escapes, not even light.  I see my life as a black hole.  I feel like I'm skimming the edges.  Any moment now, and I'll be sucked in.

Where is the joy?

Some days, it's just too hard to find.  Today, I feel so sad that I'm not even bothering to look for it.  There are days (like today....most days) when I wonder what the heck is the point of any of this.  You're born, you grow up with hopes and dreams.  Some dreams come true, at least for a short time, but mostly, those get smashed with reality.  Then, it's time to die and for what?  Was any of it worth it?  Today, the answer for me is, no.

Today, I feel hopeless.  It's just that simple.  I feel empty.  I feel like I have nothing left to give another human being.  The life has been sucked out of me.

I just want to sleep.  I want to change into my jammies, take an Ativan (panic/anxiety), snuggle under my pillows and blankets....and sleep.  For two weeks straight.  I don't want to be bothered.

Usually, when I'm in this place (and yes, I've been here before), I push it all down, down, down into the depths of my being....and pretend.  I pretend everything is fine.  I go  to work, chauffer the kids, cook, grocery shop, smile and say all the right things so no one knows how I'm really feeling.  It really works too, at least for everyone else.  I just become more resentful.  I think right now, I am at my maximum resentfulness.

Sigh.  I'm just so tired.  Tired of always feeling like this.  It gets old.  It's hard to keep on pretending and I think this is why I decided to write today.  Are you ready?  Here it is in all it's simplicity....I'm done pretending.  No more.  I'm done.  I don't care what people think, I don't care if the laundry gets done, I don't care if the kids eat cereal for dinner or if no one ever does the dishes.  I can no longer be the everything to everyone.  I simply no longer care.

One day soon, I will pack my car and start driving.  I won't know where I'm going or where I'll end up.  I will just be.  I will just "be" in such a way that no one will bother me.  I will fade into the woodwork, quietly.  I will be free.

Happy St. Nicholas Day!

“The giver of every good and perfect gift has called upon us to mimic His giving, by grace, through faith, and this is not of ourselves.”  
St. Nicholas

                                                                                   

St. Andrew Christmas Novena

My life is sometimes chaotic.  I have 3 kids...18, 14 & 13.  Teenagers.  Enough said. 

Sometimes I feel like a maid, a cook, a taxi driver, a teacher, a doctor/nurse, therapist, disciplinarian, a judge and yes....sometimes I even feel like a parole officer!  In the end, it's all good.  I'm tired, and gray haired but there isn't anything special about that.  Aren't we all tired?  And if we live long enough, we'll all be gray. 

I try to do all sorts of things leading up to Advent.  Then, during Advent, I try to do many more things.  Let's face it, it's a busy time of year.  Some years I'm more successful at pulling these "things" off.  More times than not, I suck.  I'm a colossal procrastinator and I rarely finish anything I start.  You have no idea how many journals and planners I've begun on January 1st....and lost interest on the 3rd.  Too many to count.

This is going to be one of those "leaner" years.  I'm simply out of steam.  Thankfully, my kids are older and require a lot less fuss.  Still, Advent has always been and always will be, a spiritual thing.  Contemplating the time in history when the Son of God was born, in the flesh, is significant and this fact tends to get "overlooked" by most. 

Sometimes, I just sit and stare at the manger scene.  It fascinates me.  I try to imagine being there...what it might have been like.  For me, as a Catholic, what happened on Christmas and what happened on Easter, is everything.

So, in light of all of that, I want to share with you today a simple way of preparing for Christmas.  I say simple, because it is and it's all that I'm going to do this year.  Really.  Of course we have traditions that we will always do (St. Nicholas Day, Advent Wreath, decorations, baking etc), but this will be the ONE THING that I will do for myself.  Give yourself the favor of praying a Christmas Novena.

Being Thankful

Today is the Monday after Thanksgiving 2018.  Truthfully, it was pretty much the same as many of the Thanksgivings I've celebrated.  You know the drill....turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, green beans...and the list goes on.  My sister-in-law hosted...again.  Her house is large and we had over 20 people there!  My small house couldn't handle it. 

This year was special though, as we also celebrated my father-in-law's 90th birthday!  It was a wonderful day and he is an incredible man.  After we had eaten, and after he had opened all of his presents, he made a little speech.  He said that after 90 years, he knew he did something right when he looks around and sees his family.  4 children, 14 grandchildren and 1 great-grandchild.  He talked about how when he was younger, he would look in the mirror every morning and say to himself "Do your very best today".  And then, at the end of the day, he would return to the mirror after contemplating his day and say, "you DID do your very best today".  The thing about this little speech was....no one was listening.  After he had opened the last present, everyone returned to their conversations.  Some returned to the football game on T.V.  But I was listening.  He made me tear up.  What a special man.  My husband and his siblings have no idea how incredibly blessed they are to still have BOTH of their parents.  They just celebrated 65 years of marriage.  They are both 90 years old and going strong...albeit slightly slower. 

My father died when I was 17.  I miss him just as much today as I did 36 years ago.  My mom died in 2006, I was 41. I'm 53 now....parentless.  My only sibling, my sister, died in 2015.  I feel like I'm orphaned.  Yes, I have a loving husband and 3 children who I adore.  I have extended family and many friends who I love as if they were family.  But, there is something missing in my life.

As I contemplate the things I'm thankful for in this holiday season, I don't want to lose sight of my many blessings.  Today, I am most thankful for this family that I married into....specifically my husband's parents.  I have no idea how much longer I'll have with them, but I will enjoy each and every moment.  Life circumstances took my parents way too young, but God has allowed me two beautiful people to step into their shoes for the last 21 years of my life.  I couldn't be more grateful.

Just Wondering

I'm seriously contemplating returning to this space.  I feel like writing was therapeutic for me.  I didn't always use the right words or construct the best sentences, but I was speaking from the heart.  I always felt as if a weight had been lifted after posting.  Perhaps it's time to begin the journey...again.

I'm not so sure that people even read blogs anymore.  When I started my blog, 10 or so years ago, Facebook was just beginning.  Since then, social media has boomed and communicating is much easier, albeit less personal.

I guess it isn't important if anyone reads my words.  But, it will be important for me to write them. So, on this day before Thanksgiving 2018, I will continue my search for the Joy in the Journey.

Update!

I haven't updated in awhile.  It's been a crazy month.  Here's the latest:

For one thing, we just received the bill for Amelia's inpatient stay last month.  The total bill was $4,800.00.  Our portion is $2,640.00.  Ouch.  I'll need to check my benefits for inpatient psych coverage....but the bottom line is...we don't have $2,640.00.  Period.

For the past month, Amelia has been either coming to work with me, staying with a dear friend (Thank you Mimi), staying with my mother-in-law (Thank you, Nancy) or she's been at home.  I've only left her alone once.  I'm not comfortable with that, but on that day, it was a necessity.

We are hoping to have her in a school called "Center Academy" at the beginning of the year.  We spent a significant amount of time there a few weeks ago.  She seems to like it and I was very impressed with the program, the teacher and the director.  However, it's about $14,000 per year.  Guess what....we don't have it. 

We were able to move up her neuro-psych evaluation from the end of November to the end of this month.  Once this comprehensive testing is done, we will know more about what kind of limitations we are dealing with.  She had this same eval done back in 2013...which showed a reading disorder, a mood disorder, a behavioral disorder as well as an executive function disorder.  Of course, ADD/ADHD was also diagnosed.
Recently, I have been asked by two different mental health professionals, whether or not anyone has ever said the term "Asperger's" to us.  Up until that point, no one had.  However, the neuro psychologist is going to look into that for us and has some special tests that she will do with Amelia.  If, in fact, she finds that diagnosis present, this will open up some funding options for us.  There is one particular scholarship that would be available to us if she does have Asperger's.  We shall see.

We've contacted and spoken with an attorney.  We are waiting for all documentation to be sent to us and once that's done, we will be able to decide how to move forward.  A part of me wants to just leave it all alone and move past it....but another part (the bigger part) wants justice for my daughter.  There was no reason for her to have been treated the way she was.  Every single new document that is sent to us...including the entire medical record from her stay at the Mental Health Resource Center, confirms our belief that there was NO NEED for her to be involuntarily committed. There are inconsistencies in the accounts of what the school said, versus what the counselor said, versus what is written in the medical record.  It's all very disheartening...and disappointing.

It is still very hard for me to think about that day.  I've had to relive it several times and it is truly a nightmare to do so.  I get nauseous and shaky when I drive to the school every afternoon to pick up Nathan and Olivia.  Amelia gets agitated too.  It's strange to realize that a place can have that kind of effect on me.    Amelia and I are both trying to find a place of acceptance about what happened.  We will get there.

In addition to all of this, we were hit by Hurricane Matthew last week!  We did not sustain any major damage...but our roof took a beating.  We have at least 4 leaks in our house at the moment.  An insurance adjuster will be out Monday to take a look.  Our deductible is rather high so there's no telling how much we'll be responsible for.  Only time will tell and the truth of the matter is....you can't get blood out of a turnip.  It is what it is and we'll do our best to figure it all out.....unless of course, Jesus comes back soon, in which case...none of this will matter one iota!

I will update again soon.  In the meantime, we are trying to enjoy the fall season....such as it is here in Florida.