Half a Century!

I'll be fifty years old in January!  F-I-F-T-Y!  Where did the time go?  The last twenty years have been filled with cross country moves, job changes, engagement, marriage, having babies and breast cancer.  It seems as though it was only yesterday that I was graduating from high school! 

As my 50th year approaches, I find myself becoming more and more melancholy.  I don't think it's because I fear getting older or dread getting closer to death, although that may very well be part of it. But as I reflect on my life, I'm becoming more and more aware of the time that I've wasted.  And let's be honest, I've wasted a ton of time!  I wonder how much time I've wasted on worrying, watching T.V. or surfing the internet.  I bet I've wasted a fair amount of time gossiping or wishing for things I don't have and plotting how I can go about acquiring those things.  I know for a fact that I've wasted time wondering what other people think, what other people are doing and being frustrated that they don't want to do it my way.

I'm sure that my parents and other adults warned me about this when I was younger.  "Don't wish your life away", my mom used to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you want to know what I wish for today?  More time!  I wish that I could have these 50 years back...or at least a good 25.  I would definitely do things differently.
I would have spent more time with my mom.  I would have paid more attention when she told me stories of her past.  I would have watched her cook...and written down ingredients and recipes.  I would have sought out more time with extended family members...kept in touch better.  I would have spent more time reading instead of watching T.V.  I would have talked less about praying and actually prayed more.  I would have spent more time trying to help others and a little less time focused on myself.

I don't know why I'm having such hard time turning 50.  All of us have regrets, or things that we would do differently.  But here's the thing:  We don't get that time back.  We don't.  What's done is done.  Still, we can look forward.  We can be mindful of those things that we know are good and worthy of our time, talent and treasure.  We can look back on our past with a sense of determination that we can finish what we've started or totally begin again.

The pages on this blog are going to be about how I "begin again".  My journey is not over just because I'm turning 50.  I may be on the down side of the hill, but I still have some time.  I'm going to do my best to not blink.