Simply put, this has been a weird year, Part One!

 One year ago today, was the last day I worked in my office.  Since then, I've been working from home.  There have been a couple of days I have had to go in for various reasons, but I can count those on one hand.  If I had known then, what this past year had in store for me....I would not have believed it.

I would consider myself a social person.  By that I mean, I'm good at it.  I'm good at being social.  I feel as though I can interact with people and for the most part, I think people enjoy being around me.  I usually manage to say the right thing at the right time and avoid looking like an idiot.  Although, maybe I should take a poll, just to be sure.  In many ways, it is an act.  I do what I do.  I do what is required. I move on autopilot, the way of least resistance. But, deep down, way down, there is a darkness within me that cries out for solitude.  This year forced my hand.  I was forced to pull away from the distractions of my life. I was forced to face my fear and anxiety head on.  Basically, I was forced to swim. 

Because of the type of job my husband has, he was not able to work from home, so he continued to work everyday.  My youngest daughter was already homeschooling before the pandemic.  My middle daughter is autistic and goes to a Special Ed school.  I can't remember exactly when they sent her home, but she ended the school year doing Zoom classes.   

The good part about working from home was that I didn't even have to get dressed!  My wardrobe consisted of day time pajamas and night time pajamas!  I didn't even have to brush my teeth or my hair...no one would know!  We had all our groceries delivered and rarely went out at all.  If we did decide we wanted fast food, it was always the drive-thru or Uber Eats.  We came awfully close, one time, to having NO TOILET PAPER in the house of 4 people...3 of us being girls!  It was a learning curve, for sure.

By the time summer came, I was tired of being locked down with my family.  I was willing to trade families for a month or so, but I had no takers!  Then, when school started up again...things got dicey.  The numbers showed things were getting better but the predictions were that there would be a surge of new cases around the holidays.  We were doing our part.  We weren't going anywhere or doing anything.  We were watching Mass on YouTube and our Netflix account was working overtime.  The only time I went out was to bring my daughter to school.  She was armed with hand sanitizer and masks.  Everyday, faithfully, I would drop her off fully protected.  They had a staff member standing outside taking temperatures before anyone could walk into the building.  Every afternoon, she would come out of the building masked up (and sometimes she also was wearing a face shield).

In early September (it was September 1st, to be exact), I got an email from Amelia's school saying that they had a COVID positive staff member.  They were informing us as a "courtesy", but they said  this staff member had little to no contact with any of the kids.  The email didn't indicate we should keep the kids at home, so, I kept sending her into school.  I trusted them to tell the truth and if this positive staff member wasn't even in the same part of the building as the classrooms, then I had no reason to fear exposure.  

Boy was I wrong.....

Let's Start Again

 It's been awhile.  I know.  A lot has happened since I last wrote in this space.  The world has changed in ways I'd never imagined.  A year into the pandemic and things are still weird.  I have never experienced anything like this in my life.  I dare to say we are on the back side of this, but, what do I know?  There are few things I'm sure of anymore.  Without a doubt, I am NOT the same person I was a year ago.  Not even close.

I will be visiting these pages again...regularly....if I can figure out where to start.  I need a place to speak my mind again.  I need a place where I can be honest...mostly about my fears.  Today, if I could change anything about my life, I would go back to January 1, 2020 and I would change only one thing...my attitude.  

What would you change?

I'm still here....

I'm still here, in this place that I don't recognize.  It kind of reminds me of a song from 30 plus years ago called "Land of Confusion".  It's just where I am right now.  I am a stranger in my own life.  It's me, it's my life, my house, my family, my reflection in the mirror.  But, I don't belong here.  It's all wrong.  It feels all wrong.


I'm done riding this ride.  I want to get off.  I want to go home, where things are as they should be...where things are familiar and feel right.  Where I belong.  Then, and only then, will I be able to truly relax, truly feel safe.  To be able to inhale deep and long, and exhale all those things that aren't mine.  All those things that aren't me.  To be able to truly breathe, that's what I want most of all.


But, as the song says, "This is the world we live in and these are the hands we're given, use them and let's start trying, to make it a place worth living in."


As I'm typing this in Blogger, on top of the page is the name of this Blog...."Finding My Joy in the Journey".  I remember knowing that this is what I wanted to call it.  It was a conscious decision.


Just so you know, I have yet to find any joy.

Life Goes On

Life continues to move along, whether I'm paying attention or not.   Very little to nothing has changed since I last posted.  It's like I'm on a winding road with hills, switchbacks and no pavement.  I never know what is around the next bend.  Sometimes, I drive a little too close to the cliff's edge and I have to force myself to swerve away.  The only thing I can do is to drive slow.


I guess the biggest difference from a few months ago is that I don't cry as much.  I really went through a spell of intense sadness when all I could do was cry...when all I wanted to do was cry.  Although the tears have stopped, the intense sadness has not gone away.  I believe this will be with me forever.  The sadness includes deep regret, mostly for things left unsaid and undone.  Some of the sadness comes from fear.  I think the fear comes from isolation.  I'm afraid because I really don't know who I am.  I have lived for 54 years so far.  I have a husband, 3 children, family and friends.  Still, I have no clue what I'm doing.  I'm miserable most of the time and it appears that I bring others misery too.  I really don't know who I am.


Whatever is going on with me, it's going on deep inside.  Very deep.  Someone recently asked me if they think I'm having a "midlife crisis".  That kind of made me chuckle.  No, I really don't feel as though it's a crisis.  A crisis to me indicates something temporary.  Something that exists for a season and can be changed simply by changing circumstances or surroundings.  This kind of "fix" will not change what is going on inside of me.  Some would say, "only God can fix this".  Maybe.  The thing is, He and I have been having conversations about this for quite some time.  I see no light at the end of my tunnel.  Perhaps, this is the inner turmoil that He is allowing me to have for a purpose.  I think of Mother Teresa: 

 "In my heart, there is no faith. I want God with all the powers of my soul, and yet between us there is terrible separation."

I feel separated from everything and everyone, including God.  Especially God.

I was cleared by cardiology.  This means that the terrible chest and jaw pain is not my heart.  I have been cleared by gastroenterology.  This means that although I have severe GERD, it has not caused esophageal cancer...yet.  She did find a hiatal hernia which could be causing some of the pain, but it is a small one so they are going to leave it alone.  I haven't been to the oncologist yet to find out what's causing my hip pain.  I think I'm too scared.  With all the other things going on in my life right now, I do NOT need another bout with cancer.  I just don't. 

So, I plow through each day.  I get up, get dressed, go through all the motions I need to go through.  I smile and I nod.  I laugh at appropriate times, look sad and concerned at appropriate times, do everything I'm supposed to do and I do it all with the utmost emptiness and sadness. 

Maybe one day, I'll figure this out. 

Not Fair

Life is not fair.  I realize that no one said it would be, but this fact...along with everything else, just gets on my nerves.

My best friend from grade school passed away on Monday.  She just turned 54.  She died from metastatic breast cancer that had spread to her bones, lungs and liver.  She has twin 7 year olds (they were adopted).  I think she was cancer free for about 4 years after she was first diagnosed and treated.  It came back again and she had a few months in remission.  She battled this disease for close to 15 years.  But then...well, you know the rest.  She lived in constant pain.  It seems that cancer in your bones (particularly your spine and tailbone) is unrelenting and extremely painful.  She had a ton of chemo and quite a bit of radiation.

It used to be that if you were diagnosed with breast cancer, had surgery, and then adjuvant therapy (chemo, radiation), and if you were cancer free for 5 years....they considered you "cancer free".  As a non physician....this makes no sense to me.  All it takes is ONE CELL to remain in your body and the potential for recurrence is massive.  Which brings me back to myself.  I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma on 7/8/08.  I had a mastectomy (left) on 8/4/08.  Started chemo in September.  I had 4 rounds of Taxotere and Cytoxin.  Completed chemo in December 2008 and then began a 5 year regimen of Arimidex (aromatase inhibitor for hormone positive breast cancers).  In February of 2009, I had a complete hysterectomy.  Since then, I have had PET scans and CAT scans, regular visits with an oncologist (until the summer of 2018 when he "cut me loose") and regular mammograms (on my uni boob) and regular lab work.  I have been cancer free for 11 years.

My gut tells me that it will more than likely return someday.  The chances of the chemo slashing the throat of every single cancer cell in my body seems a little far-fetched to me, but, here I am 11 years later.  Other than the residual effects of chemo (neuropathy in my hands and feet) and "white coat syndrome" (what can I say??) as well as my lack of a left breast, I really would not know I was ever sick.  But, 99 times out of a hundred, cancer wins.

Still, I have no idea why I was allowed to live cancer/symptom free for all these years, yet my dear friend from school died at age 54 (the same age I am) and leaves behind a loving husband and a set of 7 year old twins....plus three older step children, both parents and her sister.  Why?  Why was I the one to survive this (so far)?  Why?  There is nothing special about me.  But, Rosa....Rosa was very special.  She was the most kind and loving person I have ever met.  I never heard her utter a mean or unkind word about anyone!  She never complained (at least to me) accept to say that trying to raise her twins (who both have some other health issues) and manage the pain/fatigue was difficult sometimes.

Last night, I went through all of our emails and instant messages over the last 9 years and I am so sad.  So sad for the loss of Rosa.  Up until 2015, I hadn't been with her since we graduated from 8th grade.  But thankfully, through Facebook, we were able to reconnect.   I visited my home town in 2015 after my sister died.  Rosa invited us (my son traveled with me) to her house for a New Years Day (2016) brunch.  It was a blast!  I am so thankful that God allowed me to reconnect with her in this way.  I never thought that just 3 short years later, she would be gone.

She knew she was dying.  She ended treatment about a month ago and they called in hospice.  She emailed me a few times and told me how much she loved me and how thankful she was for our friendship.  I was blessed to have had these moments with her...even if it was over the internet.  The last time we exchanged email was on 7/21/19.  She passed away on Monday, 8/12/19...just 3 weeks later.

Just when I feel like I might be climbing out of the pit of darkness that I live in....something like this happens and, I just feel like God has it in for me.  None of this makes any sense...AT ALL.

Thank you, Rosa, for all that you contributed to my life and to the world.  I hope we can see each other again some day.  I look forward to it.

I'm Curious

So, I'm curious.  Why do some people struggle and others seem to sail through life with ease?  This is mostly a rhetorical question as I realize that things are never exactly as they appear.  But what I'm getting at is, sometimes it seems that a person gets hit over and over again and can never really regain strength enough to get up. 

Believing in God can sometimes make this more difficult because the question needs to be asked, "Why does God allow so much strife for some people and not others"?  The answers are pretty standard...."God never gives you more than you can handle"....."You must be a good Christian because the devil is attacking you more"...."You must have a lesson that God wants you to learn"...."It only seems that your world is falling down around you, but it isn't"...."You're still alive and breathing so is it really that bad"...."There are others that have it far worse than you so stop complaining"....blah, blah, blah.

If I reflect on the last few months to a year of my life, I've come to some possible conclusions:

1. God does not really exist.  It's a made up, fabricated fairy tale that is meant to give you an illusion that someone gives a rats ass about you and your circumstances.
2. God does exist and He's a joker and gets His jollies off on creating havoc in people's lives...almost driving them off the edge of a cliff.

There might be other possibilities too, but I'll just quit while I'm ahead.

Can you tell that I'm bitter?  You can't?  Well, let me spell it out for you a little better:

   You know that poem about there being only one set of footprints in the sand?  Well, I don't feel like I'm being carried, nor do I feel like I've ever been carried!  That's right!  I feel abandoned, left fully alone to fend for myself.  Today, I feel like prayer is a waste of time.  It's a farce!  I go to church, I pray, but to no avail.  I'm just going through the motions like a good little pawn.  Ha!  The jokes on me!

Who Am I?

Do you ever feel like you are standing on the outside looking in at your own life?  I'm living my life.  Things are happening to me.  I'm living, breathing...being.  Yet, it feels like it's someone else.  I don't feel like me.  I feel like a visitor...and outsider.  I feel so disconnected to myself.  Nothing seems familiar. 

Nathan is totally gone.  His room is empty...well, actually, we've moved Amelia in there.  He is really and truly gone.  It doesn't seem possible that 19 years have passed that quickly.  Where did the time go?  Oh, if only I could go back....go back to the year 2000.  I would do so much differently!  Everything differently!  I wish there was a way to go back to that time and slow it down. 

I have no words for the emptiness I feel....no words for the unfamiliarity of this situation.  I feel so out of my element....a little like I'm living someone elses life.


Sleep.  I need to sleep.  I don't feel anything when I sleep.