On occasion, quite by accident, I find myself exactly where I'm supposed to be! For instance, tonight I attended the first of a 22 week study of the Gospel of John at my parish called, "Touching The Divine". This is the third year that our parish has offered a study from the Walking With Purpose series of scripture studies. I have avoided the last two years for no particular reason...just couldn't be bothered, I guess. There is always something else more important or more pressing. I don't know why I decided to jump in this year. But I did. And the very moment I walked in the door, I knew I was supposed to be there.
Lately, I have been ready to burst with emotion. I have so much heaviness on my heart that it sometimes feels like I can't breathe. At this particular time and place, my vocation as wife and mother seems especially burdensome...at least that's how it feels. Admittedly, I'm a failure at both. My middle child is struggling and I don't know how to help her. I'm watching our family implode as we deal with the day to day effects of a problem that has not even really been named. I don't know what to do next. I live minute to minute anticipating the next fire that needs to be put out. It's exhausting. The situations used to be simple to handle, but they are becoming more and more complicated. They have taken on a very serious tone and I'm scared. The only thing I know to do is to pray. Honestly though, I feel abandoned. Like He isn't even hearing me. I am desperate. I have begged and pleaded. Nothing. Just more worry and fear.
The Gospel of John has always been a favorite of mine. I was once told that it is the "Gospel of Love'. Perhaps that is why I've been drawn to it. In any case, after walking into Kohl's Hall, I instantly knew God has heard me. In my desperation, God has brought me to John.
"I am God's beloved daughter. I belong to the Lord. Nothing will take away God's love
for me. There is nothing I can do that is beyond the scope of His mercy."
What a relief!
Perhaps I am not really a failure...not as a wife or a mother. Perhaps He is in control no matter what my circumstances look like...no matter how hopeless my situation seems. Perhaps this scripture study...with all 60-70 other women in attendance....is where I am supposed to be. There is something for me here...a branch....a lifeline....hope.
Please pray for my daughter, Amelia. Pray for me, as a mother, that God will give me the wisdom to know what to do, how to help her. Pray for a hedge of protection around my family....around my marriage. Pray for a peace that surpasses all understanding. Peace. Yes. I will pray that for you too.