Another Trip Around The Sun

 I turned 60 in January of this year.  I'm trying to come to grips with it.  Sixty.  The average life expectancy for an American female is around 80.  So, to think, on average, I've got about another 20 years left.  TWENTY YEARS!!  How does this happen?  Why does time go by so fast?  I've pretty much completed three quarters of my life.  

I don't feel 60.  Sure, my knees ache.  I'm out of breath with a lot less activity these days (I'm also a lot heavier).  I cry easier, I laugh easier.  I don't sleep as well as I used to.  There were so many things I cared about when I was younger, that I don't even think twice about now.  

I read something today that I wanted to share here:

The bittersweet truth about getting older...

I think about it almost everyday.

Especially since turning 40.

I'm 45 now.  And some days, I can't even look in the mirror without crying.

I don't recognize the reflection anymore.

I grieve the parts of myself I didn't appreciate more when I had them...

the plump skin, the full hair, the shapelier body, the energy.

I thought I had time.

But time speeds up when you're not looking.

And Society hasn't been kind about aging either.

We're told to erase the signs of living instead of celebrating them.

To treat wrinkles like flaws.

To pour thousands into injections and surgeries instead of presence and joy.

But I look my because because I am my age.

And that should be enough.

Every grey hair is a badge.  Every wrinkle, a receipt for the life I've lived.

Too many people never get the chance to wear that.

Still, sometimes I ache with longing.

I miss my past self.

The freedom.  The recklessness.

The magic of being young.

The moments I didn't know were "lasts" until they were gone.

I wish I had taken more risks.  Been more patient.

Loved myself more.  Spent more time with the people who mattered.

Less time proving myself to the ones who didn't.

But this isn't a list of regrets.

It's a wish list.

A compass for the rest of my life.

Because I want to be 80 and say:

I lived.  Fully.  Unapologetically.

Thank you, Holly. (hollyatamillustration on Insta).  I needed to have this conversation with myself.  I just wish I had done it sooner.

Good Bye 2024.

 Not just good bye....good riddance!  This has been a really bad year.  Don't get me wrong, there were some good things that happened, but as a whole, 2024 sucked.  Honestly, I don't have high hopes for 2025 either.  I think it's just the nature of time, of aging, of wanting the world to slow down.  But that's not going to happen.  I have to make peace with it.

These are the highlights for 2024:

January:  My 96 year old father-in-law died from a fall.  He broke his hip and just never recovered.  I will miss him terribly.  The good news is that he lived a very long, good, productive life.  He was very special to me.

April:  My evil neighbor sent the "attack" signal to his dogs and mauled my precious cat (Frank) to death.  He died in my arms...in front of all three of my kids.  Yes, the kids are all adults, but this was traumatic for all of us.  I'm not sure I'll ever get over that.  I have tried every single day since then to not wish bad things on this neighbor.  Incidentally, about a month ago, his dogs (who are not fenced in or leashed) attacked a woman and her dog walking down the street in front of his house. Police were involved.  I was able to find out that the woman and her dog were OK.  Yet NOTHING happened to the neighbor or his dogs.  To this day, he still lets them outside without a leash.  Un-freaking-believable.

July:  My brother-in-law's brother died.  Although I wasn't technically related to Ken, his death was so very unfortunate.  He lived a hard life...he played hard and suffered hard.  He was diagnosed with a hard to treat cancer, and he had no health coverage.  By the time his friends rallied to set up a Go Fund Me, it was too late.  I think he knew he was sick long before he ever shared that with anyone else.  He was 60 years old.  

October 11th:  My 96 year old mother-in-law fell at home.  In truth, we don't know exactly when or where. At first, she seemed ok, but she was in a lot of pain.  Took her to the urgent care, they ordered a CT Scan and as it turned out, when she fell, she broke 3 ribs and one of them punctured her lung.  She was transferred to the ICU of our local hospital.  She spent about a week in the hospital and then came home.  We were able to secure a home health nurse for the day time during the week and Dan and his other siblings would stay with her at night.  It's been hard for her as she has lost almost all of her independence.  She had to have help to sit up, sit down, change clothes, use the bathroom.  She could no longer cook or clean (which drove her absolutely nuts) by herself, so some days, she was extremely irritable.  She would eat very little as she was nauseous all the time from the pain meds.  Not sure why she was never given any anti nausea medicine, I mean, that just makes sense.  But then again, some of the members of Dan's family, especially those in charge, are not playing with a full deck.

November:  We had to put our dog Baxter to sleep.  Baxter was a rat terrier and a pain in my arse.  He was not a nice dog.  As a matter of fact, he was mean.  He would nip or bite and just had a bad attitude most of the time.  He was also a sickly dog.  He had various gastrointestinal issues, not the least of which was a bout of pancreatitis that cost us about $750 to fix.  He also had a small tumor on his back leg for years.  It never bothered him and never grew....until it did.  At some point, he had licked it until it split open.  It happened while we were out of the house.  When we got home, there was blood and puss all over the house and he was in a lot of pain.  I had to put the muzzle on him just to wrap his leg in a towel.  We took him to the vet, but the vet said there was too much infection and it would be best to put him down.  To be honest, I hated that dog most of the time....but I didn't want him to die.  I cried over that dumb dog.  Like I said, he was a pain in the arse...but he had been a fixture in our house for 10 years.  I was lonely when he was gone.  Maybe he and Frank are playing over the rainbow.

December 29th:  My mother in law passed away.  It was a long and hard two months.  She was well taken care of....24/7 by family and by a sitter some days.  Sadly, she wasted away.  She never got her appetite back and then slowly, she stopped taking any fluids.  It got to the point where she just slept all the time.  It was suggested by the physical therapist that it was time to call hospice.  Hospice came on 12/26 and she died 3 days later.  I'm still in shock.  My life will never be the same.  She was the best of the best.    Two days before she died, her sister (who was 98) passed away up in Virginia.  

2024 didn't end any better than it started.  And with two funerals in the next week (Dan's aunt on the 8th and his mother on the 11th), it looks like 2025 has started off with a bang.  

There was one good thing that happened this year, and I'll share all of that when the funerals are over and I have some time to change my attitude and to turn my frown upside down.  I will also share some of plans for 2025 if for no other reason than to document that I tried.

Can't Seem to Get it Together

 When I used to write in this blog often, I felt better.  I suppose it was therapy for me.  My stats tell me that no one really reads my words, so in a way, it just felt like talk therapy for myself.  Then I realized, I have no desire to hear my own problems. I'm living them.  It just reminds me how flawed I am.  

I'm having trouble aging.  There are a ton of physical issues that happen as you age.  Lots of "not so nice" things...vision loss, hearing loss, general fatigue, loss of interest in some things, achy joints, wrinkled skin...the list goes on.  Earlier this year, on my birthday, someone from work asked me how old I was.  My answer....I'm 'everything hurts' years old!  That pretty much sums it up.  But, my issue is deeper than the number.  I just can't believe how fast time has gone.  I am almost at retirement age.  How the heck did that happen?  Most of my life has been lived already.  But there is still so much I wanted to do.  

As I reflect back on the life I've lived...it's been awesome.  It really has.  I had such a wonderful upbringing.  Family is the word I would use to sum up my childhood.  Growing up in an Italian/Catholic environment meant that everything was family oriented.  Births, deaths, Baptisms, First Holy Communions, Confirmations, weddings, funerals...all required celebrations.  Of course, it all centered around food and the dining table.  This is something I have not been able to replicate in my own family.  I can remember all the adults sitting around a kitchen or dining room table eating wonderfully home made Italian food, drinking home made wine, talking, laughing, crying and hugging, all the while the kids played on the floor or outside.  It was an incredible time.  Sadly, when my father died at the ripe old age of 47, much of that ended.  It's true that there is usually one person that is the glue that keeps the family together.  When he was gone, no one took up the reins.  

My elementary and high school years were tremendous.  When I look back on that time, I can't think of anything that was not enjoyable (except of course, my dad's death).  I have been given the gift of an awesome adolescence.  My young adult life was just as terrific.  I mean, there was heartbreak and definitely some things I would undo if I could, but generally, no complaints.  As my role changed from single to married with children, my eyes were opened a bit to the realities of a changing world and doing the best you can to protect your children from the craziness. Add a dash of breast cancer to the mix and you find yourself wobbling a bit.  But as I sit here today, there is not a single thing that I would say made my life unenjoyable. It has been a wonderful ride.  So why am I so melancholy these last few months?  I honestly don't know.  I guess I'm just realizing that I'm on the home stretch.  I have lived more years than I have left.  Time has flown by and while I have had a wonderfully rich and full life, I've missed some things.  Some things I've always wanted to do, or see....and I'm running out of time.  

Soon, my body will not allow me to do some of the things I've always wanted to do.  I've waited too long to create a bucket list.  Sure, my priorities changed when I had kids.  They became my focus.  Well guess what, they're all adults now and mostly self sufficient.  They don't require all of me anymore.  Now is the time I can start to focus on myself a bit.  My excuse in the past has always been..."the kids"...."money (or lack there of)"...."time".  I feel like I've waited too long.

My concern these days consists of making sure I know the passwords for banking, bill paying and living expenses.  Making sure the kids know where our valuables are stashed and what things have been handed down that might not be important to them now, but will be as they get older.  Making sure that my end of life wishes are known and trying to get a grip on the fact that we have no funeral arrangements already made or paid for.  This is the kind of thing that gets in the way of living.

I guess you could call this my mid life crisis...only I'm way beyond mid life at this point.  Sigh.  I'm just in a really weird place at the moment, and I don't like it. 

Time and Love

 Time is going by faster than I ever thought it would...or could.  I turned 58 this past January.  I'm not even sure how to deal with this fact.  I remember when I turned 25, I had a bit of trouble handling that age.  I guess I felt as though by 25, I should be married and have a couple of kids already.  Turns out, I didn't get married till I was 32 and didn't have my first baby until I was 35.   When we are young, we expect our lives to turn out the way we always imagined.  Reality is usually quite a bit different. And time does indeed march on at an alarming speed.

I can recall being a child, listening to my parents lecture me about not "wishing my life away" or hearing them tell me that I'm growing up too fast and that before I know it, I'll be an adult with grandkids.  Back then, it seemed so far away.  But, alas, as usual my parents were right....about almost everything.  It seems like just yesterday I was graduating from high school!  HA!  It's been 40 years now!  It seems like yesterday when my first child was born.  Nope.  He will be 23 this year.  When my youngest turns 18 in October, I will no longer have "kids"...they'll all be adults.  Sigh.

I'm feeling my age now, physically.  Everything hurts when I first get up in the morning.  It doesn't help that I'm overweight and not as active as I used to be.  Between cancer and Covid, my life has been turned upside down...and sideways.  I'm handling all of it as best as I can.  There are many glitches that happen over a normal human life span.  I've had my fair share.  But, I'm still here.  My mom and dad are gone, so is my sister.  I can't fathom why I've been allowed to stay.  But, the older I get, the more I ponder about life, relationships and time.  

There is a movie that came out in 2014 called, Interstellar.  I think this has to be the best movie I've ever seen in my entire life!  No kidding.  It's deep and it took me watching it several times before I really understood what it was about.  When I finally "got it", it changed me life.  In general, the plot is about saving human kind, and in order to do that, they must find another planet.  This entails traveling through a wormhole to another galaxy and they end up orbiting a black hole.  Through out the movie, you here a ticking clock.  This is because of time dilation.  Due to the gravitation pull of the black hole, for every hour that passes while they orbit, 7 years pass on earth.  At one point, the astronauts are discussing this and one of the characters, Dr. Amelia Brand (played by Anne Hathaway) talks about a love interest of hers that had previously gone to one these planets that she hadn't seen in a long time and was presumed dead.  This is the conversations that happened between Dr. Brand and Cooper (played by Matthew McConaughey):

Cooper: You’re a scientist, Brand.

Brand: So listen to me when I say that love isn’t something that we invented. It’s… observable, powerful. It has to mean something.

Cooper: Love has meaning, yes. Social utility, social bonding, child rearing…

Brand: We love people who have died. Where’s the social utility in that?

Cooper: None.

Brand: Maybe it means something more – something we can’t yet understand. Maybe it’s some evidence, some artifact of a higher dimension that we can’t consciously perceive. I’m drawn across the universe to someone I haven’t seen in a decade, who I know is probably dead. Love is the one thing we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space. Maybe we should trust that, even if we can’t understand it. All right Cooper. Yes. The tiniest possibility of seeing Wolf again excites me. That doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

I think this quote really gets to the heart of the plot.  When they are talking about their plan and how to execute it, I realized that their mission of saving the world or building a new one...is all about love.  When Brand says, "Maybe it means something more - something we can't yet understand"...there is a universal feeling of wanting to understanding it.  Love is complicated and unique to everyone but we all struggle to cope with it, realizing  that there is so much more we don't understand.  Love drives us, it influences decisions, it moves us along or holds us back, even if we don't understand it.  

To me, this just means that time doesn't really matter all that much. Love does. I can be old or young, I can be in good health or failing health, I can be happy or sad, I can watch my kids be born and grow up and and at the same time, watch family and friends leave this world due to sickness or accidents....or just because it's time for this earthly life to end.  Love is what matters.  And, you take that love with you wherever we go, however long we are here.  Love never ends.  Love transcends space and time.  If you love now, you will always love.  Our bodies are bound by time, our love is not.

Getting older can sometimes make me uneasy about the future and what it looks like for me.  But the love I have for others, for my kids, my husband, my family and my dear friends will travel through time, forever.  It is comforting to me to know that I will take those I love with me and my love, in turn, will be with them always.  

Life Advice

 So, a creator on Instagram (@SahilBloom) asked a question of several 90-year-olds on what advice they would give their 32-year-old selves.  Since I turn 58 tomorrow, I was curious what their answers would be.  Here are their answers:

1. Now and then, break out the fancy china and drink the good wine for no reason at all.

2. Dance at weddings until your feet are sore.

3. Tell your partner you love them every night before falling asleep.  Someday you'll find the other side of the bed empty and wish you could.

4. Don't fear sadness, as it tends to sit right next to love.

5. Treat your body like a house you have to live in for another 70 years.

6. Never raise your voice, except for at a ballgame.

7. Do one good deed every single day, but never tell anyone about it.

8. Time doesn't heal anything when it comes to relationships.  Don't delay difficult conversations.

9. Find the things that make your eyes light up.  Do more of those.

10. Always remind yourself that your track record for making it through your bad days is perfect.

11. If something has a minor issue, repair it.  Minor issues become major issues over time.  Applies equally to love, friendships, health and home.

12. The most damning lie you can tell is the lie you tell to yourself.

13. No one has ever argued their way to happiness.

14. If you're going to lose a fight, make sure the other person thinks twice before fighting you again.

15. Getting old is no picnic, but it's much better than the alternative.

16. You may occasionally disappoint others, but make sure you never disappoint yourself.

17. Never let a good friendship atrophy.  Send the text, make the call, plan the trip.  Good friendships must be treasured.

18. When you meet someone, look them in the eye, give a firm handshake, and call them by their name.

19. Give everybody a second chance, but never a third.

20. The "good old days" are always happening right now.

21. Whenever you hug someone, make sure they are the one to let go first.

22. If it's raining on a warm summer evening, go outside and dance in it.

23. Taking no risk is the biggest risk you can take.  Regret from inaction is always more painful than regret from action.

24. It doesn't have to be perfect for it to be wonderful.

25. When in doubt, love.  We can always use more love.

26. Looking presentable is a matter of self-respect.

27. When you're feeling down, smile at yourself in the mirror for one full minute.

28. Travel as much as you can.  Collect one token from every trip to remember it by.

29. If there's something bothering you, ask yourself whether it will matter in one month.  If not, let it go right now.

30. Stop trying to change people who don't want to be changed.

31. You may win the argument, but if you lose the friend, what was the point?

32. Stubborn pride is the downfall of many men and women.  Learn to forget the slight hurts and avoid grudges.

33. Do one thing that challenges your mind every single day.  A crossword puzzle, math problem, anything.  Daily "exercise" will keep your mind sharp for the long haul.

34. If something isn't working and your gut tells you to try harder, first ask whether there's just an easier way to do it.

35. Allow your kids to fail.  You will hate it, but it's so important.

36. There's nothing wrong with shedding old relationships as you grow and change.

37. No amount of money is worth trading for your peace of mind.

38. If your kid wants to dance in line at the store, join them.

39. Smile and say good morning to strangers on the street.

40. Laugh loudly and unapologetically whenever you feel like it.

Interesting list.  At 58, my list would be a bit different, but there are definitely some nuggets of wisdom here.  I feel like #17 and #36 are a bit contradictory, but I do get the point being made in both.

I think my favorite is #20, "the good old days are always happening right now".  That's so true.  What my children will see as their good old days are completely different than what I see as mine.  But time marches on, regardless.  There is an order to everything.  We are born, we live and we die.  Always.  No one gets out of here alive.  Many have gone before us and all will follow.  In a strange way, that's comforting. 

P.S.  Sadness and love really do sit right next to each other (see #4).

Welcome 2023!

 I must say, 2022 went by very quick.  Quicker than I would have liked.  It is said that the older you get, the faster time goes.  I can attest to the fact that this is true.  I remember as a kid, wishing I was older so I could do this or that.  My parents would say, "Don't wish your life away".  But, I thought my life would be happier, more fulfilling when I was "older".  If I had known then, what I know now, I would have savored every single day of no responsibility....no worry about making sure bills are paid or how much gas or eggs cost.  Those were the days.

Recently, I put a little color in my hair.  When my hair grew back after chemotherapy, it came in grey.  I don't hate grey hair, but I was just tired of looking at it.  I wanted something different.  So, I went to a real salon and had some light color...just a very light brown with a bit of purple added to it.  You can't really tell there is purple, but it just highlighted the grey.  In the sun, you can still see the grey.  I love it.  But, my husband asked me if I was having a mid life crisis.  I had to laugh.  I'm about to turn 58 in 11 days.  I've got news for him....I am way past mid life.  I'm over the hill and down the road a bit.  I mean, how long does he think I'm going to live?  

I tell you all of this just to let you know what my goals are for this year.  My goal is simply to live each day as it comes.  To do my best to see a little good in every day.  To not be so quick to judge people or circumstances, but to let things play out.  To take better care of myself.  To put me first often.  To do the things that make me happy.  I've seen all over social media that people are choosing a "word" for the year.  I've chosen the word BREATHE.  I'm going to concentrate on taking slow, deep breaths several times a day.  I'm going to take a breath before I speak.  I'm going to try to not be so impulsive...with my thoughts and definitely with my mouth.  I'm going to spend more time outside, walking and enjoying nature (such that it is in Florida in the middle of summer).  And, I'm going to try and laugh more...at myself and at life in general.  

As I type all of that, it seems like a lot.  I tried to have a small goal so that it would be easier to attain.  We shall see. I hope, if you're reading this, that you have some goals of your own for this new year.  My advice to you is to try and do something that makes you happy each day.  It shouldn't matter if your single, married, divorced, separated or widowed, a parent or childless.   Do something for yourself every day.  You can not give fully to others if you are depleted.  

So take a deep breath and enter 2023 with the energy and anticipation of that child you used to be all those years ago.  

Happy New Year!

This Space

 It seems that I have a love/hate relationship with this space.   Writing here has always been a place of refuge for me.  A place where I could bare my soul knowing full well that no one will care or even read my words.  A place where I could talk about all the things wrong in the world and all the things wrong with me.  A place where I don't have to pretend to have all the answers.  More simply, a place where I can admit that I don't have a clue about what I'm doing...in any area of my life.

At different times in my life, I have suffered with depression, anxiety, insecurities, and low self-esteem.  But haven't we all?  I mean, these conditions are not exclusive to me or my life.  For me, part of my therapy over the years has been to write about it.  I do pretty well for awhile, and then, I get discouraged.  I guess because it's difficult on some days to live this life, let alone write about it and God forbid, have to read my own words.  

Recently, I received word that my long time therapist will be retiring in February.  I've been seeing him regularly since 2008 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  He has seen me through several surgeries and several rounds of chemotherapy.  He's held my hand through Cat Scans, PET Scans, MRI Scans, tumor marker lab work and annual mammograms for my "uni-boob".  He understood the survivor's guilt that I have felt over the years when attending the funerals of dear friends who fought breast cancer just as hard as I have, but they had a different outcome.  He understood the scanxiety.  You see, even though it has been 14 years since I was first diagnosed, he understood that I live every single day anticipating its return.  Some days, I'm able to overlook those fears and some days, I'm not able to.  He's more than a therapist, I consider him a friend and a colleague.  I have one more appointment scheduled with him before his retirement.  And then, I'm on my own.  It will be strange but he more than deserves the rest and relaxation that we all hope for with retirement.  I wish him well.

I will now have to decide if I want to establish contact with a new therapist, or, give it a go on my own. As it stands at the moment, I'm thinking that I will run solo for a bit and see how things go.  If, at some point, I feel as though I'm fumbling too much, then I will reach out for help.  In the meantime, I suppose I will use this space as way to gather my thoughts and work things out.  I have absolutely no idea how this will go.  I've always said that life is a crap shoot.  Let's gamble.

Simply put, this has been a weird year, Part One!

 One year ago today, was the last day I worked in my office.  Since then, I've been working from home.  There have been a couple of days I have had to go in for various reasons, but I can count those on one hand.  If I had known then, what this past year had in store for me....I would not have believed it.

I would consider myself a social person.  By that I mean, I'm good at it.  I'm good at being social.  I feel as though I can interact with people and for the most part, I think people enjoy being around me.  I usually manage to say the right thing at the right time and avoid looking like an idiot.  Although, maybe I should take a poll, just to be sure.  In many ways, it is an act.  I do what I do.  I do what is required. I move on autopilot, the way of least resistance. But, deep down, way down, there is a darkness within me that cries out for solitude.  This year forced my hand.  I was forced to pull away from the distractions of my life. I was forced to face my fear and anxiety head on.  Basically, I was forced to swim. 

Because of the type of job my husband has, he was not able to work from home, so he continued to work everyday.  My youngest daughter was already homeschooling before the pandemic.  My middle daughter is autistic and goes to a Special Ed school.  I can't remember exactly when they sent her home, but she ended the school year doing Zoom classes.   

The good part about working from home was that I didn't even have to get dressed!  My wardrobe consisted of day time pajamas and night time pajamas!  I didn't even have to brush my teeth or my hair...no one would know!  We had all our groceries delivered and rarely went out at all.  If we did decide we wanted fast food, it was always the drive-thru or Uber Eats.  We came awfully close, one time, to having NO TOILET PAPER in the house of 4 people...3 of us being girls!  It was a learning curve, for sure.

By the time summer came, I was tired of being locked down with my family.  I was willing to trade families for a month or so, but I had no takers!  Then, when school started up again...things got dicey.  The numbers showed things were getting better but the predictions were that there would be a surge of new cases around the holidays.  We were doing our part.  We weren't going anywhere or doing anything.  We were watching Mass on YouTube and our Netflix account was working overtime.  The only time I went out was to bring my daughter to school.  She was armed with hand sanitizer and masks.  Everyday, faithfully, I would drop her off fully protected.  They had a staff member standing outside taking temperatures before anyone could walk into the building.  Every afternoon, she would come out of the building masked up (and sometimes she also was wearing a face shield).

In early September (it was September 1st, to be exact), I got an email from Amelia's school saying that they had a COVID positive staff member.  They were informing us as a "courtesy", but they said  this staff member had little to no contact with any of the kids.  The email didn't indicate we should keep the kids at home, so, I kept sending her into school.  I trusted them to tell the truth and if this positive staff member wasn't even in the same part of the building as the classrooms, then I had no reason to fear exposure.  

Boy was I wrong.....

Let's Start Again

 It's been awhile.  I know.  A lot has happened since I last wrote in this space.  The world has changed in ways I'd never imagined.  A year into the pandemic and things are still weird.  I have never experienced anything like this in my life.  I dare to say we are on the back side of this, but, what do I know?  There are few things I'm sure of anymore.  Without a doubt, I am NOT the same person I was a year ago.  Not even close.

I will be visiting these pages again...regularly....if I can figure out where to start.  I need a place to speak my mind again.  I need a place where I can be honest...mostly about my fears.  Today, if I could change anything about my life, I would go back to January 1, 2020 and I would change only one thing...my attitude.  

What would you change?

I'm still here....

I'm still here, in this place that I don't recognize.  It kind of reminds me of a song from 30 plus years ago called "Land of Confusion".  It's just where I am right now.  I am a stranger in my own life.  It's me, it's my life, my house, my family, my reflection in the mirror.  But, I don't belong here.  It's all wrong.  It feels all wrong.


I'm done riding this ride.  I want to get off.  I want to go home, where things are as they should be...where things are familiar and feel right.  Where I belong.  Then, and only then, will I be able to truly relax, truly feel safe.  To be able to inhale deep and long, and exhale all those things that aren't mine.  All those things that aren't me.  To be able to truly breathe, that's what I want most of all.


But, as the song says, "This is the world we live in and these are the hands we're given, use them and let's start trying, to make it a place worth living in."


As I'm typing this in Blogger, on top of the page is the name of this Blog...."Finding My Joy in the Journey".  I remember knowing that this is what I wanted to call it.  It was a conscious decision.


Just so you know, I have yet to find any joy.

Life Goes On

Life continues to move along, whether I'm paying attention or not.   Very little to nothing has changed since I last posted.  It's like I'm on a winding road with hills, switchbacks and no pavement.  I never know what is around the next bend.  Sometimes, I drive a little too close to the cliff's edge and I have to force myself to swerve away.  The only thing I can do is to drive slow.


I guess the biggest difference from a few months ago is that I don't cry as much.  I really went through a spell of intense sadness when all I could do was cry...when all I wanted to do was cry.  Although the tears have stopped, the intense sadness has not gone away.  I believe this will be with me forever.  The sadness includes deep regret, mostly for things left unsaid and undone.  Some of the sadness comes from fear.  I think the fear comes from isolation.  I'm afraid because I really don't know who I am.  I have lived for 54 years so far.  I have a husband, 3 children, family and friends.  Still, I have no clue what I'm doing.  I'm miserable most of the time and it appears that I bring others misery too.  I really don't know who I am.


Whatever is going on with me, it's going on deep inside.  Very deep.  Someone recently asked me if they think I'm having a "midlife crisis".  That kind of made me chuckle.  No, I really don't feel as though it's a crisis.  A crisis to me indicates something temporary.  Something that exists for a season and can be changed simply by changing circumstances or surroundings.  This kind of "fix" will not change what is going on inside of me.  Some would say, "only God can fix this".  Maybe.  The thing is, He and I have been having conversations about this for quite some time.  I see no light at the end of my tunnel.  Perhaps, this is the inner turmoil that He is allowing me to have for a purpose.  I think of Mother Teresa: 

 "In my heart, there is no faith. I want God with all the powers of my soul, and yet between us there is terrible separation."

I feel separated from everything and everyone, including God.  Especially God.

I was cleared by cardiology.  This means that the terrible chest and jaw pain is not my heart.  I have been cleared by gastroenterology.  This means that although I have severe GERD, it has not caused esophageal cancer...yet.  She did find a hiatal hernia which could be causing some of the pain, but it is a small one so they are going to leave it alone.  I haven't been to the oncologist yet to find out what's causing my hip pain.  I think I'm too scared.  With all the other things going on in my life right now, I do NOT need another bout with cancer.  I just don't. 

So, I plow through each day.  I get up, get dressed, go through all the motions I need to go through.  I smile and I nod.  I laugh at appropriate times, look sad and concerned at appropriate times, do everything I'm supposed to do and I do it all with the utmost emptiness and sadness. 

Maybe one day, I'll figure this out. 

Not Fair

Life is not fair.  I realize that no one said it would be, but this fact...along with everything else, just gets on my nerves.

My best friend from grade school passed away on Monday.  She just turned 54.  She died from metastatic breast cancer that had spread to her bones, lungs and liver.  She has twin 7 year olds (they were adopted).  I think she was cancer free for about 4 years after she was first diagnosed and treated.  It came back again and she had a few months in remission.  She battled this disease for close to 15 years.  But then...well, you know the rest.  She lived in constant pain.  It seems that cancer in your bones (particularly your spine and tailbone) is unrelenting and extremely painful.  She had a ton of chemo and quite a bit of radiation.

It used to be that if you were diagnosed with breast cancer, had surgery, and then adjuvant therapy (chemo, radiation), and if you were cancer free for 5 years....they considered you "cancer free".  As a non physician....this makes no sense to me.  All it takes is ONE CELL to remain in your body and the potential for recurrence is massive.  Which brings me back to myself.  I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma on 7/8/08.  I had a mastectomy (left) on 8/4/08.  Started chemo in September.  I had 4 rounds of Taxotere and Cytoxin.  Completed chemo in December 2008 and then began a 5 year regimen of Arimidex (aromatase inhibitor for hormone positive breast cancers).  In February of 2009, I had a complete hysterectomy.  Since then, I have had PET scans and CAT scans, regular visits with an oncologist (until the summer of 2018 when he "cut me loose") and regular mammograms (on my uni boob) and regular lab work.  I have been cancer free for 11 years.

My gut tells me that it will more than likely return someday.  The chances of the chemo slashing the throat of every single cancer cell in my body seems a little far-fetched to me, but, here I am 11 years later.  Other than the residual effects of chemo (neuropathy in my hands and feet) and "white coat syndrome" (what can I say??) as well as my lack of a left breast, I really would not know I was ever sick.  But, 99 times out of a hundred, cancer wins.

Still, I have no idea why I was allowed to live cancer/symptom free for all these years, yet my dear friend from school died at age 54 (the same age I am) and leaves behind a loving husband and a set of 7 year old twins....plus three older step children, both parents and her sister.  Why?  Why was I the one to survive this (so far)?  Why?  There is nothing special about me.  But, Rosa....Rosa was very special.  She was the most kind and loving person I have ever met.  I never heard her utter a mean or unkind word about anyone!  She never complained (at least to me) accept to say that trying to raise her twins (who both have some other health issues) and manage the pain/fatigue was difficult sometimes.

Last night, I went through all of our emails and instant messages over the last 9 years and I am so sad.  So sad for the loss of Rosa.  Up until 2015, I hadn't been with her since we graduated from 8th grade.  But thankfully, through Facebook, we were able to reconnect.   I visited my home town in 2015 after my sister died.  Rosa invited us (my son traveled with me) to her house for a New Years Day (2016) brunch.  It was a blast!  I am so thankful that God allowed me to reconnect with her in this way.  I never thought that just 3 short years later, she would be gone.

She knew she was dying.  She ended treatment about a month ago and they called in hospice.  She emailed me a few times and told me how much she loved me and how thankful she was for our friendship.  I was blessed to have had these moments with her...even if it was over the internet.  The last time we exchanged email was on 7/21/19.  She passed away on Monday, 8/12/19...just 3 weeks later.

Just when I feel like I might be climbing out of the pit of darkness that I live in....something like this happens and, I just feel like God has it in for me.  None of this makes any sense...AT ALL.

Thank you, Rosa, for all that you contributed to my life and to the world.  I hope we can see each other again some day.  I look forward to it.

I'm Curious

So, I'm curious.  Why do some people struggle and others seem to sail through life with ease?  This is mostly a rhetorical question as I realize that things are never exactly as they appear.  But what I'm getting at is, sometimes it seems that a person gets hit over and over again and can never really regain strength enough to get up. 

Believing in God can sometimes make this more difficult because the question needs to be asked, "Why does God allow so much strife for some people and not others"?  The answers are pretty standard...."God never gives you more than you can handle"....."You must be a good Christian because the devil is attacking you more"...."You must have a lesson that God wants you to learn"...."It only seems that your world is falling down around you, but it isn't"...."You're still alive and breathing so is it really that bad"...."There are others that have it far worse than you so stop complaining"....blah, blah, blah.

If I reflect on the last few months to a year of my life, I've come to some possible conclusions:

1. God does not really exist.  It's a made up, fabricated fairy tale that is meant to give you an illusion that someone gives a rats ass about you and your circumstances.
2. God does exist and He's a joker and gets His jollies off on creating havoc in people's lives...almost driving them off the edge of a cliff.

There might be other possibilities too, but I'll just quit while I'm ahead.

Can you tell that I'm bitter?  You can't?  Well, let me spell it out for you a little better:

   You know that poem about there being only one set of footprints in the sand?  Well, I don't feel like I'm being carried, nor do I feel like I've ever been carried!  That's right!  I feel abandoned, left fully alone to fend for myself.  Today, I feel like prayer is a waste of time.  It's a farce!  I go to church, I pray, but to no avail.  I'm just going through the motions like a good little pawn.  Ha!  The jokes on me!

Who Am I?

Do you ever feel like you are standing on the outside looking in at your own life?  I'm living my life.  Things are happening to me.  I'm living, breathing...being.  Yet, it feels like it's someone else.  I don't feel like me.  I feel like a visitor...and outsider.  I feel so disconnected to myself.  Nothing seems familiar. 

Nathan is totally gone.  His room is empty...well, actually, we've moved Amelia in there.  He is really and truly gone.  It doesn't seem possible that 19 years have passed that quickly.  Where did the time go?  Oh, if only I could go back....go back to the year 2000.  I would do so much differently!  Everything differently!  I wish there was a way to go back to that time and slow it down. 

I have no words for the emptiness I feel....no words for the unfamiliarity of this situation.  I feel so out of my element....a little like I'm living someone elses life.


Sleep.  I need to sleep.  I don't feel anything when I sleep.

I found them!

I found my tears again.  For several weeks, they had dried up.  They're back.  In full force.  Can't seem to stop it today.  It's awkward while I'm at work.  Feeling very anxious and like my world is crashing in around me.  Having health problems too....that are likely anxiety related, but I can't be sure. 

Saw an episode of America's Got Talent yesterday where a young autistic man played the piano and sang.  I cried watching it...and haven't been able to stop the tears since.  Feel like I'm losing it!

Oh, please help me.  Please.

There's more?

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...tada!  I was notified yesterday that my 7th grader will be retained in 7th grade for another year.  She failed math and civics.  That's all.  The school counselor called, told me matter of factly...and said goodbye.  She never offered any solutions or recommended any way to help.  I was stunned and since she called me at work and there were people standing around my desk...I didn't ask any questions.  I called my husband and he asked me about summer school.  I emailed the counselor and asked.  Her response was simple, "No, unfortunately there are no summer school options offered for 7th graders".  Not one word more.  So, I did what I always do, I panicked.  I knew she was going to be close, but her last day of school is the 31st...you would have thought the school would have reached out to me sooner.  Sigh.  I hate that school.  That school is the reason for most of my anxiety these days. 

Anyway, I was able to talk to a friend who talked me off the ledge.  She is also a guidance counselor at a local high school.  She was able to look at my daughter's records and found that she passed the first semester of math, but failed the second.  Therefore, she suggested that I enroll her in FVS (Florida Virtual School) for the summer for the 2nd semester math curriculum.  If she passes that, she should be promoted.  She can take civics as an 8th grader, but will lose one of her elective classes and more than likely, she'll have another "history" class as well.  It will only work if the guidance counselor "approves" this plan.  To hell with her if she doesn't. 

I do not need another thing.  I don't.  I can't handle any more.  Each day, I feel like a part of me dies.  Soon, there will be nothing left.  What do I do then?  It's only a matter of time.

Keeping it together

I've been doing my best to keep it together.  My son graduated from high school last week.  It's been very busy.  My Goddaughter also graduated, so there was that.  And, I had to attend a baby shower for the daughter of one of my best friends.  Yes, it's been busy.  I've had to dress up, be nice and smile a lot over the last week. 

I think it's strange that I had no emotion whatsoever when my son crossed the stage and received his diploma.  I didn't even tear up....which makes no sense since all I've done lately is cry.  I did feel pride...just like all the other parents there, but there were no tears.  Maybe, it just hasn't hit me yet.  He's moving out too.  Yep, he and two friends are moving into a house that one of the guys mother owns.  They went there yesterday to do some cleaning.  New carpet is being laid today.  It won't be long now before he is all moved out.  Again, no emotion. 

Maybe it's like a pressure cooker and one of these days soon, it'll blow.  I don't know.  Still just going through the motions, I guess.  I wish I could feel some happiness, some contentment.

The only good news was, I had 4 days off from work (including Memorial Day).  It was nice not to have to get up at o dark thirty.  But, we had another horrible thing happen in our house (I won't go into the details), but sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just torch the entire house and start over. 

I feel a panic attack coming as I type this.  Feeling slightly nauseous and like I need to have diarrhea.  I'm the only one in the office at the moment...and I can't tell if that's a good or a bad thing.

Amelia finished school last week also.  Olivia is the only one still going as her last day isn't until the 31st. 

Amelia starts work/camp today...and Olivia starts her gymnastics camp on the 10th.  Nathan is going to help me with dropping them off and picking them up.  I really need a break. 

Nothing new to report....it's the same emptiness, same despair, same brokenness....just a different day.

Why?

No one told me this would be so hard.  The things that I thought would be easy...aren't.  Likewise, the things I figured would be hard, have been the easiest.  It's like I'm living in an alternate reality.
Right now, I feel like I'm living in the "Stranger Things" world of the "upside down". 

I don't know what to do.  I'm 54 years old and I don't have a clue about what to do next....how to handle how I'm feeling...what to let go of and what to hang on to.

Sleep is my only escape.

Mother's Day Pity Party

Mother's Day was a bust...at least for me.  I never once brought it up to anyone, and never once did anyone say, "Mom, what would you like to do Sunday?"  So, this is how it went...

Saturday night, Nathan had to work from 5pm to 2am.  I brought him to work and Dan was setting an alarm so he could go pick him up.  The girls were either in bed or watching tv.  Dan and I were laying in bed watching tv.  Actually, if truth be told, I was watching old episodes of The West Wing on Netflix via my phone....but I digress.  At about 10:15pm, I heard Dan swear under his breath.  He got up and started to get dressed.  I asked him where he was going...."Walmart".  I asked him why and he said, "because I just have to go". 

So, I knew that he had suddenly remembered it was Mother's Day.  After he left, I texted him and said that I know why he had to suddenly dash out and that I really don't want any Mother's Day presents....especially since he was bitching about money just a few short hours before.  He said he promised to not spend too much (I mean, how much can you really spend at Walmart?).  He took Olivia with him.

Fast forward to Sunday morning.  I wasn't feeling well.  My stomach was very upset and I had to keep running back and forth to the bathroom.  At one point, when I got up from the bed, I felt dizzy.  I decided that since Nathan didn't get home from work until almost 3am, that he, myself and Olivia would go to the 6pm mass later on.  Dan took Amelia with him to the 10.

On the dining room table was a really nice bouquet of flowers (actually, there were 2) in a fancy vase.  I guess one was for me and the other for his mom.  He bought a very nice card and signed all the kids' names and his own. 

Not once during the day did any of my kids say Happy Mother's Day to me.  Not one.

When I was taking Nathan to work at 12pm, he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner later.  He still has 2 unused gift cards to Maggiano's and he knows I like that place.  It was kind of him to ask, but my stomach still wasn't feeling right, so I said maybe we could go one day this week.  As it turned out, he came home from work early because he wasn't feeling well either (he was dizzy too).  I just assumed he was asking me to dinner because it was Mother's Day...although he never said it.

On top of all that, I made breakfast for everyone Sunday morning...biscuits and sausage gravy as well as scrambled eggs.  I cleaned the kitchen, washed and folded 3 loads of laundry and made dinner (baked chicken, steamed broccoli, rice and some sweet potato gnocchi that I bought from Trader Joes. 

Olivia posted a Happy Mother's Day note to me on her Instragam after dinner.  As I write this, I checked her Instagram...and mine and I don't see the post.  So maybe, she just made it for me and didn't post it.

It was a bust.  I'm sad.  Sadder than usual.  I wish just one of them would have said..."No mom, it's Mother's Day...let me fold those clothes for you....let me wash those dishes". 

Honestly, I haven't been a very good mother in a long time.  I suppose this is payback.  They need you when they're little and then, as they grow, you become less and less important in their lives.  As the demands got bigger and more complicated, I failed them.  It's not a big secret that I suck as a mother.  The reality of it stings though. 

I feel very unloved.  Truly.  But I'm not sure why this upsets me.  I don't want to be here anymore.

May the 4th be with you.

Saturday was the 4th anniversary of my little sister's death.  It's weird, that seems so long ago, yet I feel like I just saw her.  My sister and I had a love/hate relationship.  We got along much better when we lived several states apart and only had the phone to communicate.  She was bed bound for the last 4 or so years of her life.  She struggled.  She suffered. 

I miss her.  I so much wish that I had her to talk to, especially during this particular time in my life when my world is so dark that I can't even see my hand in front of me.  There is so much I would change about our relationship.  I would be more understanding of her addiction.  I would not be so judgmental.  I would ask her for advice.  I would let her know that she mattered to me.  I would tell her that I loved her.

She died on May 4th.  All those Star Wars fans love this day.  I remember it as a sad day.  Collaboratively, her boyfriend (of more than 20 years), her daughter and I had to make the decision to remove life support.  I waited with them (over the phone) until she took her last breath.

Since then, I've been an orphan.  My dad died when I was 17 and my mom died in 2006.  And, my sister in 2015.  Sometimes, I wonder why I am left here.  I'll never figure that one out.   I know they are waiting for me.  We will be a family again some day...and maybe not so dysfunctional.